Eight Years

I don't write much anymore; life is just more complicated than it used to be. It's wonderful, beautiful and breathtaking. I'm very lucky to have found love again and even luckier to be the mama to 2 little girls that are now 3 and 1. They are all everything I could've ever wished for...and yet...

I still wonder what life could've been like, then I feel guilty for not appreciating my family in the here and now. Other times I'm so grateful for those experiences, they shaped my personality, thought processing, maturity and gave me the man and 2 little girls I'm lucky enough to call my own these days. I don't love one branch of my life more than the other. If I absolutely had to choose between the path that I'm on now versus the path that I was on with Tim I'd be standing at that crossroads for eternity, but I've also learned that I don't have to choose, that the happy and sad, the grateful and grieving pieces can all co-exist. 

8 is fairly insignificant to most, generally you think of big anniversaries being the first, or a multiple of 5. It took me longer than it should have to put together why this felt so big, then it sunk in. His lucky number, whether for baseball, coaching or softball, if he could be 8 (or some form that added up to it) he absolutely was. So that's why this feels like a significant anniversary, because to him, 8 would be a big deal.

I've felt more connected to him recently than I have in the past couple of years. I still miss him and there isn't a day that passes without some reminder, but I feel his presence more now and have more recently been able to hear the sound and cadence of his voice again. I think I was trying so hard not to forget for so long that I was not allowing my brain to access those memories. Many of the big ones still feel so far away & fuzzy, others (some of the more insignificant ones) are clear again but no matter how much I get, it still never feels like enough. Knowing that the pictures I have will forever be it, there won't be more, is a hard pill to swallow at times and I still get panicked, afraid I'm forgetting bits & pieces of his existence. 

These days though, mostly, I'm immensely grateful. Whether its for the support that was given to us, or gifts of food, of time, of advice, financial support and especially for friendship. While Tim & I both benefitted from friendships we can never repay, I saw the true meaning of friendship after he died. I saw a quote recently from a poem called Sisters from Rupi Kaur that said "On days I could not move it was women who came to water my feet until I was strong enough to stand. It was women who nourished me back to life." I couldn't describe my experience better (other than mentioning there were a number of male friends who also helped carry me when the load was too heavy to bear). 

From the friends that wouldn't let me just stay in bed and give up to my grandma who came to lie beside me, especially to my mama who did (& still does) any & everything I need but doesn't always do any & everything I want. From the wise advisor who told me in the kindest way that one day I was going to move on and I would be happy again even though it made me beyond angry at the time to hear it to the friends that kept driving 4+ hours (with one occupant's frequent stop requests the trip inevitably ended up being 6) to stay with me on hard weekends so I wasn't alone to the friends that hired me to work for them and kindly let me step back when I was too embarrassed to admit to anyone that I was still so depressed some days that I quite literally couldn't get out of bed. There were friends I hadn't seen in years that sent the kindest notes, strangers or friends of friends that poured their hearts out to me in messages I just couldn't gather the strength to respond to but still will go back and read. 

There was the sorority sister that put together the letter writing campaign that just kept going, each one giving me a little more life and hope in the day. The friends that always included and welcomed me, they came together to make sure I never felt like the odd one out in the midst of happily married couples. There were friends that just showed up, friends that never quit trying even when I was absolutely impossible to be around and friends that never failed to be themselves and treat me like they always did regardless of how unlike myself I was and the ones that would always answer in the middle of the night even if it the majority of the time they spent with me was just me sobbing uncontrollably until I wore out enough to fall asleep. 

The weekend that I still look back to for strength and inspiration was the one in which I moved into what was supposed to be our new house. We had packed up our old house together and put the vast majority of our belongings in storage until we found the right place (& inevitably until the place we found was renovated). We started the renovations the week before he was first hospitalized and it was finally ready for me to move in after he was gone. I knew this task was going to be monumental to try to overcome and as much as I hate asking for help, I did it. Little did I know that I would have an army of supporters to show up. I met the movers at our storage units and led them back to our house, absolutely terrified for what I was about to face alone and next thing I knew I had friends filling every corner of my house setting up my furniture, making my beds, unloading my boxes, hanging my clothes and most importantly, just being there when we came across the boxes of Tim's clothes or the mementos from our wedding day. The amount of love and support that got me through that day continues to carry me through hard times even now.

Not everything has been great, wonderful and positive though. I'm not proud of the way I've handled many situations over the past 8 years (& don't get me started on the years before that). I've learned a lot about forgiveness and rebuilding though. Tim's parents were always incredibly supportive of us and gave us more help than we often deserved. I desperately wanted to be independent of being under our parents' wings and often would be angry or upset at what I perceived to be overstepping boundaries. Even with a daughter in law that could often be akin to a sour patch kid they never quit caring and never quit trying. When Tim & I were first dating he had a "tradition" of getting breakfast at a gas station where a lady home cooked biscuits, grits, etc., would grab Zaxby's or something for lunch and order pizza for dinner and spend the ENTIRE day watching GameDay & college football. I made it through ONE of these days and was bored out of my mind. Our lunch that day was Zaxby's and I got a kids meal in which the prize was wax covered string. In my infinite boredom I made a wax covered string couple and declared it to be us. I stuck it to the mirror in Tim's bedroom and it sat there for years.

Right around the first anniversary of Tim's death Rickia gave me a gift. She had painstakingly peeled that wax string couple off of that mirror, delicately taken it to a frame shop and had it framed for me. It was a gesture that finally knocked me back to my senses and helped me to realize that while I had lost a husband, they lost their child. I hung it in my kitchen to remind me every day to get out of my own head and take the perspective of someone else before judging them, its one of the first pieces I brought to our new house and I hung it where we can see it from our dining table to remind me how lucky I am to have them in our lives.

8 years has somehow simultaneously passed in the extent of a lifetime as well as in the blink of an eye. I hope that in 8 years more I look back to this time and have even more regrets than I do in looking back in the last. Because that means I'm learning from my mistakes and, hopefully, becoming a better human.

Five Years

For one of the first times, I don’t know how to put my thoughts into the appropriate words. Today starts the five year anniversary of the worst day of my life. So much has changed over the past five years, I’ve gotten remarried to an incredible man who has so much respect for all of the life I’ve already lived and everyone that was and still is involved. Three weeks ago as of Saturday our daughter was born and I fell in love more with her over the course of a few days than I ever thought was possible even as I’m still in total disbelief that she’s real. I thought my lifelong hope of being a mom had ended with the death of Tim.

Life has come full circle for me. I was told over and over again in the days, weeks and months after his death that even though it didn’t feel like it I still had a lot of life to live. I didn’t believe it at the time but somehow those people were right. It’s been a hard road with many steep learning curves. I’ve made big mistakes through this process, I’ve said and done hurtful things to others, I’ve had some pretty rough things said and done to me but ultimately all of those have changed and made me grow in more ways than I ever thought was possible. Some relationships have slowly faded away but the most important ones are still very involved in our daily lives. Our family dynamics are a bit more extensive than a simple tree these days but we both know how lucky we are to have an extra fork of people we can love and that love the three of us and look forward to them being involved in our lives for years to come.

One thing hasn’t changed and it’s a hard concept for even me to grasp so I understand why others don’t get it either. I have not ever stopped loving or missing Tim. I never will. He changed the world for me. That world fell on its head Oct 4, 2014 & only really began to feel as though it was back on its axis a few years ago when I met my now husband. He taught me that I could fall in love with someone else just as deeply and that it wasn’t a shift of taking love and reapplying it elsewhere but more of an addition. I had always feared (based on Disney, fairytales, Hallmark movies, whatever) that you got one true love in this lifetime & that was all there was room in your heart for. I’m incredibly lucky to find that isn’t reality & even more lucky to get to have married both of them.

I hate October 4, it reminds me of what we all lost, my husband, Tom & Rickia’s son, Steven’s brother, etc. It was and always will be such a sad day for me but I hope that Tim’s life and legacy continue to be an inspiration for others. That if anyone stumbles across this blog in the middle of the night desperate search not far off of my own in the long nights after Tim’s death hoping to see that somehow it ends up

Ok, that this end to my story shows that it can be. Life goes on, it’s so hard to face that. It isn’t pretty but if the people who matter come first it will all work out. 

I was told some pretty profound words at the beginning of all of this by a grief counselor. She stated that you could could either become better from your loss or you could become bitter. Each person has that as their first fork in the road when facing a challenge like this. Better requires the hard work, facing the demons. Bitter is easy, you just stay the victim. Many times bitter was such a temptation of a path I wanted to follow but I’m so glad I ultimately chose the better path.

Three Years

Three years ago a very terrible thing happened. I have no idea what the weather was like that day as my back was to the window and all of my focus was on the storm happening in front of me. I'm told it was a beautiful fall day, perfect blue skies, the crisp in the air showing that winter was just around the corner. I can still recall some events from that day with perfect clarity, other details have faded slightly over the years. Our families and I saw some horrific things that day but in the days, weeks, months and now years that have followed we have seen so much beauty in the compassion of others.

We were all lucky enough to experience the entity that was Tim in every facet, the good and the bad, and we were lucky enough to be able to be with him in his final moments, as hard as they were. His family will always be mine and seeing little bits of him within each of them is always heartwarming, but especially seeing the mischievous look Harlan gets as he's considering his next move, how much Lillian cares for others and her concern for their feelings and Stella's tenacity & joy for life is like seeing bits of Tim (plus Harlan has his ears & his love for Carolina).

Enjoy today, whatever the weather may be. Think of him, maybe tell his story to someone else in the hope of preventing another family from going through such a loss, because as long as his memory is alive, so is he. 

Moving Forward, Reflecting Back

This summer I turned 33, I'm now officially older than Tim ever will be. It wasn't as sad as I anticipated it might be, more just a strange feeling. I've done a lot of thinking over the past few months about what was and what will be. I've come to a place in which I'm somewhat in awe of what I've made it through. I say the follows my not with a sense of pride but more of wonder that it happened to me, that I lived this and that I made it. I've never thought of myself as a strong person just really damn stubborn, maybe that finally paid off for me. What I am proud of though is the person these experiences have shaped me to be. I'm happier with myself in any form that takes, I'm kinder to people even when they aren't to me because I remember what it's like to be fighting just to make it through the next five minutes. By no means am I patient but I have a lot more of it than I used to. I care less about objects and perceptions and much more about people and how I make them feel. I'm no saint and still get oh so wrapped up in gossip, drama, etc. but those moments have become fewer and far between. I take joy in experiences and have less fear in general (thank God because I was wound tighter than a clock with my fear). I was sent something called a Mantra Band after Tim died stating "Be Still & Know", it has quite literally become my mantra and I try to abide by it as much as my (still thriving) OCD allows.

Once again, I'm happy. I've been dating an amazing man for months now and while I take the credit along with my friends and family for the majority of the hard work it's taken to recover, he has completed that process. He's shown me kindness, patience, that I can love again and most importantly, that I can be loved again. I finally feel like a whole person again.

I feel like the final step is to reflect back which is what I'm beginning to do now. I'm (finally) officially off of sleeping pills and beginning to get back into a regular sleep pattern. I no longer feel like a crazed zombie all of the time. I've realized that I've been avoiding a lot of pain for some time now and have begun to face that. In that I've realized how much I gave of myself and my life during Tim's illness. I have no regrets about that but the process completely drained me and even now, almost 3 years later, I have periods where the mental exhaustion still takes over.

Today Tim would've turned 35, on his last birthday, 3 years ago, he was fighting pancreatitis so our celebratory meal with his family was low-residue foods (I.e. Pretty bland). A major part of that is absolutely no sugar (to rest the pancreas). I will never forget our sweet niece, Lillian's crestfallen face as the "cake" was brought out during the singing of the birthday song and her realization that we hadn't been joking about there being no cake. That this dish was actually pears lined up with candles, I think her outward disappointment was felt by all of us, especially Tim. I still hate that he never got sweets again as he loved them so.

Ever since that year, Tim's birthday, for me, has marked the beginning of the end. He had the first emergency hospital admission the very next day, the first call of the rapid response team, along with the first of many surgeries, nights in the ICU (although the first with the drunk guy who wrecked his moped into a stop sign was the worst). We had some good moments during this period, actually some of my favorite memories, of date nights crammed into his hospital bed watching a movie on the tiny hospital TV, of the pure joy on his face the first time Maddy came to visit him and the way they cuddled up for hours on her last visit (& when she pooped in the hall as my dad was bringing her in, I've never seen such panic on his face and the unit secretary was incredibly calm as she asked if he really thought that was the worst those floors has seen). Some of my favorite memories involve Steven, Tim was so floored with how much time he got to spend with him (even if the situation sucked). Tim adored him more than I think he could ever know and Steven bent over backwards to be there for both of us through everything be it bringing a TV in to watch the Carolina game down in CVICU, helping me keep Tim's phone hidden so he'd stop texting and get some sleep (then defending me when I got caught days later) & my favorite was when we had to convince Tim to keep his C-pap mask on in the CCU as he was still groggy and confused by the anesthesia. He told us he didn't like us for forcing him to stay in the mask & listen to the nurse, then got sick due to the force of the air going into his stomach (one of the side effects we knew would happen and part of why he was fighting us so hard on it). No nurses were around so Steven and I were both struggling, gagging and trying to help him/get a nurse in there. It had to have looked like a comedy show from the outside.

I also got caught selling him out for his new-found love of Dilaudid. Knowing what I do now I never would've intervened but at the time I was terrified of him becoming addicted, he was beginning to count down the minutes until he could get his next dose and kept asking the nurses to "push it fast" into his IV. Understanding now how much pain he had to have been in at that point I get it but at the time I thought he surely was becoming an addict. I told him I was going downstairs to grab lunch and would be right back (after expressing my concern to him multiple times about the medication). I mentioned my concerns to his nurse at the time but asked that I be kept independent of the decision as I didn't want him to get angry with me and went downstairs, grabbed some food and headed back up. I assumed they'd wait it out a bit or have one of the doctors address it during rounds the next morning but of course that would've been too easy. The nurse came in about two minutes after me and started telling Tim about how as of now they were moving him to pain pills and off of the Dilaudid. As soon as she finished speaking his head swiveled over to me (excorcist like) & with fire in his eyes he stated "This is your doing isn't it". At the time it was a little disconcerting but became a big joke between us and our families very quickly. When we found out there were no more options that last night they asked Tim if there was anything he wanted to be more comfortable. He requested a Coke (the first time he'd been allowed to drink anything all day) but his big request was for Dilaudid, our families were in the room when he asked for that and everyone started laughing. Once again he broke the tension of a horrible situation with his unfailing humor (he also asked her to push it REALLY fast when they delivered).

Tim had his moments where he was quick to anger, where he was a stubborn/grouchy mule but he was always looking out for everyone else, especially his family who he loved so dearly. He would make all of us laugh, even in the darkest moments of our lives and that grin of his was absolutely infectious, especially when you knew he was plotting something (which was always written all over his face). I have no doubt that he is spreading that joy of his up in heaven today as he celebrates what should be his 35th Birthday & I hope he's getting all the cake and snickerdoodle cookies his heart desires!

10th on the 7th, 7th on the 10th

Life has been pretty good as of late, I'm currently in Chicago visiting Tim's cousin Kristen and have had such a fun time with her over the past few days. I scheduled the trip from the 7th to the 10th initially as I wasn't sure how I'd feel about this weekend. The 7th marked 10 years since Tim & I met and the 10th marks 10 years since our first date and more importantly 7 years since our wedding. Obviously there is some sadness about what could've been but these anniversaries are starting to be days that hurt less and in which I can just remember and appreciate what was and how lucky we both were to have had it, even if only for a brief moment.

So today I'm just remembering a perfect spring day in April that was neither too hot or too cold, gorgeous blue skies, everything at peak bloom and being surrounded by our friends & families.

New Year(ish), New Beginnings, New Perspectives 

It's been awhile since I've written anything, to be honest, it's been nice. I also took some time away from seeing my therapist to try and collect my thoughts. She's amazing and has provided me with the tools to be able to do such a thing. I'm at a strange place in my life now. Sometime during the end of last year I felt a peace with everything that I've never had before (granted I did just switch to a new anti-depressant/anxiety med). I still miss Tim like crazy and think of him every single day. I'd trade absolutely anything to be back with him and it still hurts but I think it always will to some extent. I think it has to because as long as I still love Tim (which will never end) it will hurt that he was taken from all of us so early. 

This is probably the longest break I've taken from updating this blog since we started it but for some reason I just felt the need to get some stuff out tonight I guess as it's been somewhat of a rough and emotionally draining day. Biggest news is that I was laid off from my job in early December due to the elimination of my position, luckily my friends that own On the Roxx and The 05 ended up with an unexpected opening for their event coordinator/marketing so I'm taking that over as of this week. It's a great opportunity with lots of potential and I'm grateful to be able to take so,e time doing something fun for awhile as I figure out what direction I want to go next. 

I've been renovating my guest bathroom and just finishing up in time to find my masterbath is a ticking time bomb for needing its own reno. Pretty sure that between the dogs and the renovations I'll ever have a clean house again. My goal for this year is to have a clean house, clean dogs, clean car and clean me if only for afternoon before Dec 31.

In other news, which I may regret sharing and will come as a bit of a shock to all 4 of my parents and siblings is that I've begun to explore dating again. It's a lot different than it was 10 years ago and I'm so lost/confused about how it works these days. I did join a dating app and was asked to be the host of someone's seed as they wanted to make a mommy out of someone. I've never been so freaked out by another human. I have been out with a very nice guy who makes me laugh like I haven't in a very long time and has been kind, understanding and respectful of Tim's legacy. Who knows how this will work in the long haul but for now simply grabbing dinner and a movie with someone who can make me laugh and enjoys my mixed up humor while I get the pleasure of his company sounds good. This is likely to be the only post I make about this subject as I made the choice to open my life with Tim but no one beyond the two of us opted in for the public view of our life and as I figure out if/how dating will fit into my life privacy sounds pretty great.

Life is great some days and hard others but I'm finally finding a new normal and daily routine. The dogs keep me on my toes and eat everything in sight. The off and on of meds they've put me on over the past 2 years has changed my metabolism so I'm getting aggressive about getting my body back so I can try to feel a bit more like me again.

Thank you all for everything you've done over the past two and a half years. I have the strongest (& most protective) groups of friends I could ever ask for. They pick me up when I'm feeling down and arrange days on the couch with junk food, sad movies and support when I need extra love. The fact though that I'm still getting messages about the impact Tim played in the lives of others is such a testimony to his wonderfully lived life. He's so ver missed, esp as we approach our 7th anniversary but knowing that he is now living the life he deserves is a bit of comfort.

Two Years too Long

Today marks two years since Tim's death. There are no words to describe how much it still hurts to miss him and how desperate I feel to have him back. It's not an exaggeration to say that I still think of him multiple times every single day. Recently I started struggling more than usual and went back to the doctor where I was diagnosed with Severe Clinical Depression along with the ADHD, the PTSD and anxiety/sleep issues I've had already. They are working to regulate medications for me now to get the right one and the right dosage. It puts me in drastic ups where everything is numb to the point that nothing phases me, I'm never happy or excited but I also don't have the downs, I also get the drastic downs where I literally cannot get out of bed or off of my couch, where I can sleep up to 22 hours in a day and still be completely wiped of energy. The back & forth is frustrating but they are trying hard to help.

I've been trying to stay as busy as I can, Im still working for LifeHME doing medical equipment sales and I work for some friends at their bar in Augusta Rd, the 05, some nights and most weekends. In between all of that I'm currently demoing my guest bathroom down to the studs and will be having that rebuilt back up. I also was a celebrity chef for the Cancer Survivors Park event, called CHOP! Cancer and recently did my first public speaking event on their behalf. I cried my whole way though it so hopefully they understood at least a little of what was said...

Most days I'm still in a rough place as I'm still trying to process all that happened and the tremendous loss of Tim. Many times it still doesn't feel like reality and I struggle to ask for the help that I need when I need it. I've processed through a little of the grief and am doing much better than I was even a year ago but I have such a long way left to go. I can't imagine ever reaching a point that I'm at peace with it. I still have to fall asleep with the TV or some kind of music on, it's the only way to quiet my brain just enough

The dogs keep me pretty busy. I got Maddy for my 21st birthday and when Tim & I started dating almost 2 yrs later they initially despised each other. Later the two of them would be sitting on our couch and if I joined both glared at me for interrupting them. They worshipped one another and it was not unusual for me to get out of bed in the morning & come back to find my spot replaced by her (tucked in by Tim of course). Tim actually had the guts one morning to tell me that if I wanted to keep sleeping to go to the couch bc they were comfortable. He never made that particular mistake again but I was the third wheel of our marriage and he did state that if it came to a decision of which of us to save in a fire that'd he'd choose her bc I "could figure it out". Her diva behavior has not lessened over the past two years but she is getting a run for her money with our newest addition. Max is the devil incarnate most days but he's so sweet and cuddly that you can't stay mad for long. Thus far he has eaten a tree, 2 hoses, a screen door, a gate, a few blankets, an expensive pair of shoes and various other random objects and has completely dug up my backyard. He has begun to make strides in killing off the wisteria root system but I've given up on owning anything nice for awhile. But he always seems to know when I need someone and curls right up to me every time.

I'm still living day to day, sometimes hour to hour, just working to survive the grief, hopefully one day I'll overcome it. I'm lucky in the incredible number of friends & family constantly offering their support. I have 2 great sets of parents and 4 amazing siblings but best of all 5 of the sweetest nieces & nephew there Ever were. I'm still stopped by people sometimes asking if I'm Jenny Bright, Tim's wife, & they tell me how his story has been such an inspiration to them. I'm so proud to know that his work and legacy continue on as ultimately my goal has been that no one ever forgets who he was, what he did and what he went through. For if those things remain in people's memories & the stories are shared to others, he will live on forever.