Hanging onto Hope

I'm finally on a regular (& normal) sleep schedule. It's taken over a year but has finally happened. I'm also finally dreaming again, they've ranged from weird crazy dreams reflecting current and past events in my life to reliving that final day with Tim. Over and over and over again. Most nights I've woken myself up with a loud scream and shooting up in bed drenched in sweat. The strange thing is typically after that happens I fall right back asleep and am peacefully out for the remainder of the night. It's a little creepy but at the same time I'm just so relieved to be able to see Tim's face and hear his voice again that I don't mind it as much as much as I should.

I took time away from going to my therapist for awhile just because I didn't feel like facing the enormity of how much this all still effects me day after day. That was not the smartest move I've made. I've struggled a lot recently and its come as a shock as I guess I thought the year anniversary of Tims death would be some sort of switch indicating that the worst was over and I had crossed the finish line of grief. It's actually been worse since then. It seems the only switch that flipped was the one in which the fantasy world in my head where Tim was surely going to come walking through the door sometime and I could just save up all of the things I've noted and been wanting to tell him for that moment ended. Reality has finally hit me that he truly is never coming back. It's something that you rationally know but can't seem to wrap your head around so you just stay in a constant state of denial that he's just on a trip or just out of touch. Reality really sucks when it hits.

I finally did head back to see my therapist last Friday and she helped me to kind of understand that I've finally gotten through the denial stage and am now "at the bottom of the pendulum". At least when you finally hit bottom there is nowhere to go but up right? She also told me that apparently I'm one of the more severe cases of grief she's seen. I'm torn between that being a badge of honor for how much Tim and I loved each other or adding it to the list of the curve balls life seems to keep tossing my way when I could really use a nice easy pitch. 

I struggle with having to frequently remind myself that Tim didn't choose to abandon me but it's hard to keep that perspective. I keep feeling like he's out there living his life with someone else and have to remind myself that he didn't leave me. It's so strange but I guess I just want to have a reason to be mad at him for not being here anymore instead of being mad at him for not being here and immediately feeling guilty because I know he would be if he could.

I'm torn over my house, it's started to feel like home (except for the mice that moved into the attic above my bed) but is also a solid constant reminder of everything that the last year has been. Right now that's a bad thing, I'm hoping that as I work my way through all of this that it becomes more of a symbol of how these events have molded me into a different person. I replaced all of Tim and My bedding a month or so ago and now my bed finally feels like it's mine versus being a constant reminder of us. I'm working on that balance now, figuring out what to replace to start a new life with fewer constant reminders that just reopen all of the wounds and what to keep as sweet memories of what once was. I guess it's representative of me trying to figure out who I am now. Considering how hard both of us are on things I've been having to replace a lot of items as they break. A set of sheets we got for our wedding ripped into shreds as I leaned up to watch TV one night leading to the idea of just replacing everything.

Over the past year I've lost interest in things I once loved, I've gained respect for things I once despised (I.e. Tims music and fantasy football) & I don't recognize the girl I see in photos from "before". My memories no longer feel as though they were my own experiences but more of a movie I watched, just surreal. I don't know what I want out of life any longer and I don't have a clue as to who I am but I've finally started to get a little clarity. Where I once thought I was done with supporting cancer fundraising, it's becoming more of a passion but in a different manner than before, one in which I'm more actively involved. I'm reaching out slowly to find out where else I want to volunteer and what matters to me. I've found that giving pieces of myself helps to make me feel whole again.

Mostly these days I'm in a constant state of exhaustion no matter how much sleep I get. Tired of fighting for every step I take forward, tired of being ok, tired of feeling lost and alone, of no longer having the connection with anyone that I did with Tim and tired of figuring it all out alone. Irregardless I have a support system that most could only dream of and through them I find the strength to drag myself out of bed every morning, to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how much I don't want to and to keep trying to get back to the person that Tim fell in love with, a little more hardened and banged up but also with greater understanding of just how precious each day is.

Post Anniversary

Go figure that the one year anniversary of Losing Tim was the same weekend as Joaquin. I will say it was a good distraction as I watched all the news reports rolling in about what was going on. My company headquarters is in Cokumbia (& was luckily spared) but it also gave me a sense of purpose on Monday to try to see how I could help alleviate some of the responsibility from my coworkers and help. 

It's been hard, I try to keep myself distracted and not to think about what I've lost but it haunts me. I didn't just lose my husband/soulmate/best friend/etc... But I missed almost 5 years of being somewhat carefree, the potential of having a family and being a mom, having some to do life with. I'm grieving a lot of those losses as much as I'm grieving Tim at times. Not long after losing Tim I received something called a mantra bracelet that stated "be still and know." It's become my life mantra and a phras I repeat over and over to myself when I am falling apart or having a hard day.

That being said, sometimes it's hard for me now to use some of the best overdramatic expressions I used to (I.e. I'm dying, this is the worst day of my life, etc.) I start to but catch myself as they just sound so trivial and callous now that I have seen someone die and I have lived through the worst day of my life. I don't get phased by the rough stuff as much as I used to and I still get annoyed by trivial things but now I truly understand what is worthwhile and really important in life. I was thinking of what I would save if I had to leave my house in a hurry (it's an exercise I've done before at night to distract my anxiety at night). Before my concern would always be that Tim & I wouldn't have enough room in our cars for all of the things we'd "have" to save. Now I think I'd have extra room as so long as I had Maddy, important paperwork and my pillow (you'd understand if you slept in my bed) I'd be just fine.

Some portion of my life feels surreal and like a dream. I can't decide if it's the part I'm living now or the part from before. I see pictures of myself from "before" and then don't know who that girl is. I can't imagine living without the understanding of how bad life can be like I know now. It makes me feel as though I'm al let two completely separate people.

My body is still struggling, I've finally mostly gotten my sleeping under control but Friday was put on a regime of antibiotics for a minor infection I had. I started feeling worse Saturday evening and my mom took me to existent care. I was sure I had gotten a full blown case of the flu on top of this other infection. Apparently I was allergic to the antibiotics I was getting so today I've been loading up on fluids trying to flush that one out of my system and let the other kick in. I also screwed up a tooth and had to go to the dentist this morning to get that fixed up. Some of my pain has finally subsided as of this evening and I'm finally starting to feel a little better. I'm hopeful that the high dosage of antibiotics should keep me somewhat healthy at least for a few weeks.

My girlfriends have been absolutely incredible through the past few weeks, they have buoyed me through this and kept me busy and distracted. I hope there is never a reason that I can do enough to thank them for everything they've done for me. 

I'm slowly but surely making progress. I got it in me to go through Tim's clothes the other day and pull out his lesser used items. I'm still not really ready to part with them so they are hanging out in a spare bedroom but I took a step. My house is almost done with projects I can do but now I'm bored and ready for a new one. Keeping my hands busy during the evenings and weekends is much better for me than lying around watching TV.

Maddy is doing great other than being a lazy bum. This morning after letting her out to go to the bathroom she sprinted back in, climbed up in my bed and fell back asleep. She's figured out that if she bangs her bowls around enough I'll come fill up whatever is missing so she essentially lives the life of a pampered princess. I still blame Tim for ruining my dog as she had much better manners before he entered our lives. She's also figured out how to move the kitchen chairs around and will let herself up onto kitchen counters or the table and help herself to whatever she desires when I'm out of the house. I've been catching her via the nanny cam, she's sneaky in that she hops right down when she knows I'm coming in and approaches the door as though she was sleeping on the couch. 

That's been the extent of my exciting life these days. I don't do much other than work, work on the house or watch TV so I'm pretty boring at this point. I've written somewhere around 500-600 thank you notes but I'm still behind by about 150 so I know there are many overdue and I apologize but they are coming. The same goes for the Favebook messages, I will respond to each one but I'm super slow so you have my most sincere apologies and know it will arrive someday...

Thank you all for all of your love, support and kindness. Even when I don't respond know that I do see it, appreciate it and am so grateful for it.

Today was bad, tomorrow will be worse

Today has been hard, it officially marks a full year since I lost Tim. Everything I've done over this past year has been in the perspective of what were we doing at this time last year. Right now I was signing off on not having an autopsy on Tim, they were asking me what funeral home to use, I was starting to go through my and Tim's phones for our families to call and inform friends of the news, I missed a lot of people in the chaos. Someone posted something about it on Facebook which forced our hand into making a post about what had happened versus being able to let the shock sink in and get through the night. I had to get on the elevator and walk away from Tim for the last time. I passed out from exhaustion and it's one of the last times I really slept through the night without medication, even to this day.

Today has been hard, full of clear and difficult memories of what Tim went through in his last day. Tomorrow will be nearly impossible. Tomorrow will be the first time in my adult like that I look back to what happened last year and don't have memories of Tim included. I have had such a tremendous support system and incredibly patient, kind and thoughtful friends but it doesn't make the process any easier. Thank you all for supporting me, our siblings, parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends over the past year. There are many more hard days ahead for all of us but the kindness and patience means a lot.

51 weeks

At this time a week from now I have no idea what I'll be feeling or how I'll handle it being a year down to the date and time we of lost Tim. It's going to be extremely hard but the biggest difference between the anniversary next week and that time last year is that now I have hope. A few weeks ago I hit a turning point and have been anxious about it not lasting or getting as down as I was previously but somehow my feeling of hope has persevered. I feel guilty about it a lot regardless of what my therapist says but I've also come to the conclusion that even if Tim had a miraculous turnaround and was cured of the cancer, he would be miserable right now. Completely dependent upon oxygen and a wheelchair, not able to participate in life as he would want to do and I think that has given me some form of peace in a twisted way. I still fantasize every day about what life could've been had he never gotten sick or had he never taken that turn for the worse last year. I still imagine what we'd be doing at this moment had those things never happened and would love to have that life, whatever shape it may take but at the same time I know the reality of the situation would've had us trapped inside and without visitors last winter due to how severe the flu season was. It wouldn't have had Tim disappearing every weekend to a football game with me harping on him about taking time to help me around the house this fall, it would be filled with prepping for another flu season and the constant fear of Tim catching some kind of respiratory illness and ultimately he would've been absolutely miserable.

This past week we dedicated the I TOR conference room in Tim's memory and I know he'd be so honored. I've had friends offering dinners, stopping by to say hi, hanging out, sending cards, etc. and through the time I spend with them be it on the phone, on FaceTime or in person, I feel his love. Today was my youngest nieces dedication at church with a reception here after. At one point her older sister was running around interacting and playing with everyone as I cleaned up inside (likely due to the cake and ice cream and candy corn I kept offering up). In that moment I could almost visualize she & Tim playing as he once did with Steven's oldest two. I can't begin to express how much I wish that was reality.

For now I'm doing ok, my meds are finally regulated, I have the best support system I could ever dream of between family, friends, doctors, etc. and I'm truly living in each moment and facing each day as it comes instead of worrying of what will come after. I'm scared of next Sunday and the feelings and memories that will come from that day but honestly it's the day after that scares me more as I have approached each day with the comfort of seeing what Tim and I were doing a year ago on that date which gives me a sense of comfort. Oct 5 will be the first time I can't do that. I have no doubt that I will make it though but these days really knock the wind out of me and it feels like it's hard to recover from the blows. Regardless I haven't stopped trying. It's a fight every single day to get up out of bed and I count the hours until I can climb back in. But I am fighting and fighting hard to be ok, to reclaim my life and slowly but surely to move forward, always carrying Tim right with me.

My body knows even when I dont...

It's really strange how my body has taken over my emotions the last few weeks. Somehow I intuitively know the days that were bad ones with Tim's health and wake up feeling "off". Today was the first "good" day I've had in weeks now. My sleeping pill is no longer working so I'm back to hanging out wide awake until 3AM again no matter how much melatonin, warm milk, hot relaxing baths, etc. I supplement with. Luckily I have an appointment with my doctor again this week and can hopefully get everything adjusted quickly this time and get back to sleeping again. Tonight I supplemented with Benedryl, fingers crossed that it works and that I don't oversleep tomorrow morning. 

In the spirit of being as candid as I've always been: I keep meaning to come back here but in a way I'm also trying to reclaim my life and my anonymity, as happy as I am to hear that these posts have helped others and I'll leave them up as long as blogger lets me so hopefully they may continue to do so as well as to spread Tim's voice and story and as much as they help me to express and vent I'm the person who hates crying in front of other people as its so awkward (had lots of those awkward moments in the past few years). I also miss the days of kind strangers not knowing my life story and personal thoughts, so as with everything else in my life these days I'm trying to find a balance. We started this as a way to make life easier and keep everyone updated on Tim's status without having to rehash the whole story over and over again and I've kept it up for the same reason, except now to share what is going on with my life now.

Its a little over 3 weeks until the year anniversary of losing Tim, its a hard pill to swallow. In some ways I can't believe its only been a year, in others I can't believe its already been a year. It feels like yesterday that we were hanging out and talking. I can still hear his voice and laughter when I think about him. Slowly but surely the horrendous images of him on that last day are not the first that pop into my head when I think of him, but they are of happier times, of him and Maddy giving me the stink eye when I would try to get into our bed (God forbid I disturb their cuddle sessions :) ), the way when he really laughed hard he would sound just like the count from Sesame Street but when he was "giggling" he'd chuckle and as he teased me he always would make this high pitch heeehh heh hehe, just how proud and in awe he was of all of his achievements with promoting iTOR. I mentioned to some friends tonight as how I get recognized when I say my name sometimes, not because of anything I've done but always as "Tim Bright's wife" That is a honor I'm so happy to have as my own, it sounds so crazy and possessive to say but Tim shared so much of himself with others but that title is one of the things no one else besides me can ever claim and I truly love being able to do so. 

My job is going well, I think, most days I feel completely lost and unqualified but I try to remind myself that this is how I've been at the beginning of every job and it will get better (at least we all can hope ;)). My house is finally almost at the point I feel I can call it done, as most know Tim & I closed on this house last July and started renovations right after so the majority of those were being done while he was in the hospital (it was as horrible as it sounds). This is why we lived with his parents for the short stints he was out of the hospital which I'm glad worked out that way as it made me feel so much safer to nap, go check on the renovations or just simply take a little break. My girlfriends moved me and Maddy in last November (p.s. its not a large house but I'm still figuring out where they stashed things for me) and renovations continued until the early part of the summer. I'm finally starting to grow grass in most places of my yard (thank God for no more red clay everywhere) and I am finally starting to feel safe and almost like this is home for me. My bedroom is sparse and at some point I'd like to start fresh with new linens but as with most things associated to my time with Tim I'm not quite ready to make that leap just yet. 

Maddy has made me take that leap with a few things as she recently decided that me not being home during the day was completely unacceptable and crushed a nice vase and picture frame (keep in mind that this destructor also ate through my blinds about a month after me getting them and went through a phase in which she peed her way through my house. Other than that we've become pretty close again. When I'm home she refuses to be in a different room than me and follows me around. Not an issue most times but it becomes pretty comical as I'm cleaning or doing something causing me to walk back and forth and my little shadow becomes very frustrated that she can't just settle in anywhere. She's also decided that her bed (which is a double layered memory foam mattress - Tim's idea not mine) is unacceptable most days and likes to sleep on mine now...right where my feet should go.

I saw one of Tim's former co-workers the other day and he kept remarking how much better I look now than the last time he saw me sometime right after the funeral. Looking back I can see what's different. I still have many very bad, very dark, very sad days but the difference is now I can see a light again and know that this is just a blip on the radar. I don't think I will ever be the person I was before and I mourn for her. I strongly doubt I can ever approach life again with that much positivism and exuberance because I've lived through the worst that can happen. I'm a lot more free than I ever was before though, the only "things" I truly care about are the ones that are attached to memories of Tim. I like others and would like to protect my investments (specifically my new couch that Maddy treats as her own personal jungle gym) but I no longer would be devastated to lose things. My relationships with family members and friends are better than they ever have been before and I'm finally (slowly and kind of) learning to ask for help when I need it. Speaking of, if anyone is mad at their spouse please feel free to volunteer them over here, I'm always needing trash to be taken out, dishes to be unloaded, laundry to be done or a lawnmower to be tamed (it hates me as much as I despise it) as those were chores Tim took care of and apparently some part of my brain seems to think he'll still be managing them so I ignore them for awhile.

I'm slowly but surely starting to find a sense of peace within myself and am finding that maybe I do want to step into Tim's shoes to speak to others about iTOR and what they do and how they are helping our community. I hate publicly speaking almost more than unloading a dishwasher but I'm beginning to feel drawn in. I'll give it my first shot next Tuesday at an event in Tim's memory.

Tuesday is the day that iTOR will be dedicating their conference room (where Tim sat in countless Cancer Center Advancement Council meetings) as the Tim Bright Conference Room thanks to the incredibly generous donations by so many of you after his passing. I've been told that (if I understand correctly) those exceeded $100,000 and still trickle in from time to time. That's an amazing legacy to be left by Tim and I hope he would be so proud that his legacy continues. I know I am. I've heard the phrase "gifting begets gifting" and I can only hope that those reading the plaque about Tim's legacy as they walk down the hall will be inspired in some way by his story. I'll try to post a picture of it up here soon. 

Grief seems to be a very selfish and desolate emotion. I often forget that others miss Tim as much as I do and how much he made a difference in someone else's life. I just see life moving on without him here to enjoy it. I've had a few little reminders today that he's still affecting so many people and you've no idea how happy that makes me as well as how it pulls me out of my lonely little bubble to help understand that I'm not the only one wishing he was still here. Some days some stupid little stunt, i.e. me being asked to be in my new office's Fantasy Football Team when anyone who knows me knows just how much of a joke that is, reminds me that he's still getting the last laugh. I'm sure he's up there somewhere causing as much havoc as he possibly can.

It's Here

I've been dreading this point in time since I lost Tim. Friday was Tim's 33rd birthday and he was the type that drug his birthday out as long as possible, it was obnoxious. I miss it. Saturday was the anniversary of him first crashing, being placed in the hospital and rapid response being called in resulting in he & I spending a very long night in MedSurg ICU with a very intoxicated and angry neighbor (don't drive your moped while intoxicated to a stop sign). Dr. Edenfield saved me the next morning as he came in with a very large cup of coffee for me.

A year ago today Tim was fighting for his life in CVICU and I spent another mostly sleepless night just watching him breathe. Still so grateful for Amy, the night nurse he had in the unit a few times that allowed him (& thereby me) rest as much as possible & sweet Savannah who knew something was wrong during the night before and refused to stop pushing for solutions.

I know the next few months are going to be like this, the good memory days and the bad memory days all leading up to that last day that crushed my soul. Even with the time that has passed and the successes I have made I don't think I will ever recover.

I have "normal" days now but nothing really seems normal to me anymore. I'm learning how to live again from scratch. Apparently part of that includes me now being an adrenaline junkie as I went skydiving last weekend (Happy Birthday Tim!) The guys were more nervous than I, https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=nJ52U2f-HBo

I've also started working in a job I love selling medical equipment, tube feeding, oxygen equipment, tracheotomy supplies, etc. It allows me to help people and be involved in the medical field that I love so much without the personal interactions nursing would bring. I feel like that dream died along with Tim. But I finally feel as though I've found my calling in life, jury is still out as to if I'm any good at it. It's good that my days are beginning to have structure and distraction as I don't know how I would get through these next few months without.

I keep feeling as though my time with Tim was a figment in time, a part of my imagination. Many times it doesn't feel real in that it ever happened. Other times it's hard to convince myself that he just isn't home yet. I am the worst roommate I've ever had & that includes Maddy who pees on anything she can reach when she gets mad at me (which has been a lot lately).

I am doing better, Tim is still in my every thought & I talk about him often but the quiet moments are when I miss him most bc they are the times everything floods me. Thank you to all that have been here for me in so many different ways over these past 10 months. I truly wouldn't have made it this far without my village.

Another sporadic post

So sorry, I keep meaning to coming back to this but April was a struggle, May was full of travel and I have no idea what happened to June. So here goes nothing with trying to catch up. 

APRIL

My hairdresser & very close friend flew out to Las Vegas for the day's surrounding my first anniversary without Tim. This also marked our 5th wedding anniversary, it would've meant he made it past the scary point in which they say only 3-4% make it. We always thought if someone had to make it then why not Tim. The week before we left was also the 6th month anniversary of his death. So double whammy. I spent that day with my couch, my dog, my Ativan, crappy food (whatever I can have delivered) & terrible movies. I've finally realized this is the only way I can make it through the day, just make sure that I'm still breathing in & out when the day is over. My birthday is quickly approaching and I've removed that date from Facebook in the hopes I won't be pinged all day with messages along with requesting to my friends and family that we just don't celebrate it this year. Maybe someday I will again but this year I just want to make it through.

While in Vegas we stayed pretty busy between the casinos & the pool but that place is exhausting. Josh got us an amazing deal at the Venetian, unfortunately his husband John had a last minute work trip but we kept him in the loop with late night calls which I'm sure he appreciated...

Oh, I also jumped off of a 90 story tower on April 10 (our 5th anniversary). Here's the video of that, for some reason I can't find the original so I had to tape it off of my phone :

http://youtu.be/2FypYpJoOWo

 

I got back and I believe we had about a week until the BrightLife tournament. So many wonderful people came out and so many made the event a pretty special honorary of Tim, all of this led by Steven. He did an incredible job. My only regret of the day was not getting a picture with him.

Two days after the tournament I became an aunt for the 5th time. Miss Austin is still as tiny as can be and big sister Brynn LOVES her but has renamed her Uh-Oh.

MAY

I can't tell you how happy I was to see May. It meant an easier shot at normalcy and healing. I traveled up to visit my cousin in NJ just outside of the city. I had a great week with her and her husband.

I extended my connection in DC to be able to attend my sorority sisters baby shower. It was so fun to see Savy in her element although embarrassingly she kicked my butt on a hike.

I have no clue where the rest of May & June went other than working on the house and having my very first job interview. I really hope it works out as it is a position that ties back to many experiences Tim had over his last few months so this gives me the feeling of a connection to him in a strange way.

I do owe an apology as I completely forgot to post the total: $22,000 from the tournament. We couldn't have done it without the generosity of so many. Thank you so much.

As for me, I finally have an amazing sleeping pill so I'm hoping to become a normal sleeper again. I'm still seeing my therapist which helps but I still have big meltdowns and the next few months will be especially hard first with my birthday and the first time I start to catch up to him in age. I'm so dreading the year I surpass him. It will be so hard. The next being Tim's birthday which also sort of marks the beginning of the end as he was admitted the first time & crashed the first time the next day. Each subsequent day will get even harder as we get closer to the one year anniversary. I already know that day is going to absolutely crush me but the one after will be worse. The first time I can't look back a year and have a memory of Tim in it. I still haven't spread his remains and I know where but thus far I still can't stomach the idea of it all truly being over and him gone. I don't know why that affects me so but there you have it.

Tomorrow I'll meet my family and Tim's in Columbia for an exhibition between the Carolina Alums and the Blowfish. They will be honoring Tim before the game starts and as I told his friend Andi, I don't know if his head much less ego will fit into heaven after tomorrow night. He would be so touched that they wanted to honor his memory and I am so incredibly proud of my amazing husband. I'm a very lucky girl to have been the one that got the title of Tim Bright's wife.