Moving into a new year

2015 will be the first year I haven't spent with Tim since I met him. There are going to be a lot of low-points, the anniversary of his diagnosis, what would've been our 5th wedding anniversary, my birthday, his birthday, etc. it's also really sad for me as this takes me a further step from the life I shared with him. My kitchen is finally done but I can't seem to bring myself to cook in it just yet. Sadly it's due to the mess that will be created and that I will have to clean it up on my own instead of relying using Tim to do it. I've been using loose trash bags on the porch thus far as it's easier with the unpacking but truth be told, I'm also avoiding truly having to take out the trash and this cuts out a few steps. I tried to be productive before Christmas Eve by puttingn a load of laundry in. I remembered it was there this morning...I think I finally fixed it after washing it three more times but I may smell a little musty the next time you see me. My apologies in advance... Tim handled all of this stuff for us. Along with the ability to fold a fitted sheet flat. The man had a lot of issues but some incredible talents. He's still saving people today based upon a text I got from a close friend of mine today which made me start crying in the middle of the meat section at Whole Foods (fYI: the butchers have no idea what to do when someone cries in front of the meat case- it seemed to terrify them). The text stated "I was also going to tell you. I had a colonoscopy 2 weeks ago. I was having bleeding when I went to the bathroom. I feel like bc of Tim I was aware of what could be going on so I immediately went to the dr. They found a polyp that was pre cancerous and removed it. If I had not gone to the dr it would have turned into cancer. I know Tim's mission was to bring awareness to the disease and to save someone's else's life. I thought by telling you, you might find a little bit of encouragement in what all y'all went through. Tim brought awareness to me and no telling how long I would have waited to go to the dr if I had not known about colon cancer."

I miss him constantly and think about him every second of every day. I never know if it makes people more uncomfortable or happy to talk about Tim so in public I don't a lot. I also don't know when I can keep it together and I have always been a very private crier. Tim made fun of people on TV for having what he called an "ugly cry face" so I get incredibly self-conscious in case there is a Tim around that might make fun of me. It's been a whirlwind for awhile. The contractors are still working on my house but hopefully approaching the end. I'm ready for peace and quiet around here (& I'm tired of the costs...) but  the house is becoming more comfortable, safer and slowly becoming home. 

I got the flu the week before Christmas, it came over me within an hour or so from feeling fine to being really sick. I'm almost past all of it now. Haven't been contagious since before Christmas but still recouperating from all of it. I also had hand surgery last week for tendinitis embarrassingly enough it came from endless hours of playing Candy Crush during sleepless nights, in countless waiting rooms, etc. this quick surgery should fix everything right up for me.  

Unfortunately I was a TERRIBLE patient. I'm really anxious about anesthesia now that I know just how badly it can get. Granted the issues Tim had were related to the tumors in his lungs but it's still rocked me to my core. I was told to take a Klonopin before I came in and as soon as they gave me an IV they gave me Verced which should've calmed me down and kept me from caring as the goal was not to put me all the way under. Needless to say. The Verced never worked and I chatted them up all the way back to the OR. I also made sure they know that if I crashed I did not want to be recessitated multiple times as they reminded me that this was supposed to be a quick 10 min procedure that shouldn't even involve general anesthesia so the likelihood of me crashing was pretty slim. I'm pretty sure I remember asking what meds they would be giving me next at some point before I woke up and realized I was sobbing and completely disoriented. With my robust medical knowledge and terror of anesthesia, the nurses had asked about my background so I went to sleep talking about Tim. As I woke up it ended up being me sobbing about Tim and Tellig the whole story to the 5 or so nurses around my bed that I had made cry. This is all according to my friend Hayley that took me. Apparently they came to get her pretty quickly stating that they usually waited until the patient came to more but thought she may be able to calm me down. At some point in my dilerium I remember seeing/hearing someone pull a curtain to the side who stated they had followed everything and had been praying for me. It meant a lot. I pulled it together enough to request a grilled cheese with a side of honey mustard and a plate of half and half. I demolished it, so much for a light meal after surgery. My newest niece Stella was also born and I found out I'll be having yet another niece, Austin, come April. Soon I'll have four little nieces and a nephew running around that I can spoil.

All of that & its subsequent recovery led me right into Christmas which was nice as I had no time to anticipate it, get nervous and worked up. I slept most of Christmas Eve then it was very low-key. Christmas morning was mainly watching my niece go nuts of her toys and planning the inevitable trip to the ER for my dad who just got a bow and arrow, luckily he lost his arrow on his fourth shot.  My cousins decided we'd do a white elephant exchange instead of our traditional Christmas gifting and it was a lot of fun. I got to round out the day at Tom & Rickia's house with Steven, Haley & the kids, Tims Aunt Karen and Tom's parents. It was really hard bc I kept feeling like he should be there and almost kept looking for him but being with his family is the best gift I can get as I see little bits of him in their mannerisms, the things they say, etc. 

Every single day is hard. Things hit you from out of nowhere and knock you off of this very precarious place you've managed to balance yourself. I don't feel like I'm living anymore. I feel like I survive from day to day. No matter how ugly the previous day was, if I make it to the next I survived and that's enough.

Unfortunately I've gotten to the point where that just isn't enough anymore for me. I'm tired of not being able to fall asleep until 3 or 4 every night then waking up at 1 or 2 in the afternoon. It prevents me from getting back into a normal life, a normal routine. A good friend recently told me after I mentioned I wouldn't mind his life of travel and adventure that all you have to do is stay up late and wake up early. I've got the staying up part down pat. Now I just have to figure out how to drag myself out of bed in the morning. My goals for the new year are seemingly simple but pretty complex in actuality, they all bear down to making myself a better, happier, healthier person and I'm putting them out there so I can be held accountable as I'm going to try really hard to slip I'm sure:

1. Get physically healthy - I've focused the last five years on tims life, his health and his needs. I don't even know who I am or what I want anymore. I do know that this girl has no qualms about killing a brownie for breakfast & multiple other times during the day. I eat my feelings and unless those feelings start becoming kale chips, sprouts and tofu this is not going to turn out well. So I've decided I'm going to put the ban on myself that I kept on Tim to keep him as healthy as possible. Goodbye red meat, white anything, processed anything, fried anything and sugar containing substances. I'm going to miss them but know I'll feel better when I get back into our old routines...right after I stop by  Golden Chick one last time that is...

2 get emotionally healthy - I'm on too many drugs to balance my mood. I want to start addressing the elephant in the room and start working my way off the meds. It will be a long process but I know it will be the healthiest way to go overall. I'll be going back into therapy, work on getting my meds adjusted for the short term with a long term plan, head back to acupuncture as nothing calms me like that and I'm going to start trying yoga to feel like I can regain control of my body and my life.

3. Get spiritually healthy - this is the hardest. Do I still love God and believe in God? Yes. But I'm so confused, so lost as to why this happened as I can't seem to find any justifiable reason for it. Why Tims story wouldn't have spread just as far and well if he was that .009% that's cured from such an advanced stage Cancer. Someone has to be the first, why not him? I'm pissed at God right now for essentially crushing me so completely. Ministers at our church have been reaching out and there is one I'm getting together with soon to discuss all of this.

4 get financially healthy - I'm well taken care of currently but I know I need to start trying to find a job. I also know that I wouldn't hire myself right now as I have too many issues with the sleeping stuff to be a good employee. I still also don't know what I want to do. I have almost 10 years experience in marketing but to be honest, my heart wasn't fully invested so I was only decent at it. I reapplied to nursing school for the fall but not sure I'll do it. I think I could do all of the procedures but I couldn't be the nurse the patients and their families not only need, but deserve. I am considering the idea of being a medical equipment sales rep but have a lot more research to do and to see if I could even get into the market. By the end of the year id like to have a job I love to do and look forward to going into work every day.

My hope is that by achieving these things I can start to pick myself up and move forward. I hate that it pulls me further from mylife with Tim but am also realizing that time is doing thatwhether I participate or not. Wheni meet with him again I want to be able to tell him about everything I accomplished every after he was gone. I can't wait to see that sweet grin again. This is also the year of family and friends for me. I'm learning how to ask for help and stop sticking myself into an island. I know I need down/alone time every so often but I do adore all of the time I've had with so many sweet friends recently.

Hope you all have a happy new year. May 2015 be a year of positive growth for all of us.

On to the next holiday.

I made it through Thanksgiving if only by sheer distraction and exhaustion after not sleeping for the two days proceeding it. My sole focus has been upon getting this house organized (which includes paying bills I've just stuck in random places and am now getting late notices on). I think that focus has kept me calmer than I would be without it. I count the weeks as the anniversaries of losing Tim. One month was also All Saints Day at church, Two months happened to be the weekend after Thanksgiving and now I've discovered that Three months will be the weekend after Christmas. Four months will also be pretty rough as it is the day before the anniversary of Tims diagnosis. I think I finally get a break from all of the collisions of dates and anniversaries come February and will have a break until our 5th wedding anniversary in April when it's also the 6th month anniversary of losing Tim. This kind of horrible cosmic coincidence would only happen to me with my horrible luck. 

Obviously I'm frustrated these days and a bit down in the dumps. My family (parents, sister, grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins) bent over backwards to help make my Thanksgiving a bit more bearable. I went right up to the mountains the day after which was a good distraction. My friend is currently working on getting tims car all fixed up for me. It'll look even better from the front than before Tim was driving it into everything (which I've apparently taken over now).

Our supper club friends held our Christmas dinner and white elephant gift exchange over here last week. I still have no counters, sink or dishwasher so they were sweet enough to bring their own pots and pans for anything that had to be heated up and we kept it classy with paper plates and plastic cups. (Btw that should be a new dinner party trend, makes clean-up a breeze) I also got a very special visit from tims mom and her friend Patti and was able to go eat lunch with them. It was really nice being able to catch up. I ate lunch, attended Spanish class, learned about snowflakes and was the official tag-ee for a large bunch of 4 year olds when I got to go visit with Lillian at school the other day. It was so nice to see her in that different element (so quiet and shy!) and I had the best time playing with her and her class. Pretty sure some of those kids legitimately think my name is "Aunt Jenny" although I have to admit that I miss Lillian's old name for me. For some reason she called me "Uncle Jenny" for years and it stuck until she grew up on me, "Aunt Jenny" seems a bit boring after that. :) I got to peek in on Harlan for a second who took a second to place what I was doing there but was such a sweet cuddler as soon as he figured it out. Nothing like seeing his face light up when it clicked that I was there to see him. I adore those kids & am so grateful to watch them (& their soon-to-be sister) grow up. Tim was ecstatic about becoming an uncle again and actually looking forward to holding a baby this time versus me forcing him to hold the baby long enough for the picture. I think Lillian and Harlan warmed him up and Brynn was his first experience not being afraid with a newborn. Irregardless he loved our nieces and nephew more than anything else in this world (including Maddy & myself). He would've been thrilled to become an uncle again twice in a four month period. 

The DVD library did so well that I purchased another DVD cart for the cancer center and will be making drop-offs at the McCall Hospice House as well as back at the hospital for the pallative care floor. I've heard that many are so excited about this and I can't thank you all enough for all of your generosity. 

I'm slowly but surely writing all of my thank you notes but have injured my wrist (or more technically injured it awhile back and am finally getting it treated) and am stuck in a large gorgeous black splint (with Velcro that catches on everything) for the next few weeks. Depending on how everything goes I may have surgery on it just before Christmas. Between that and Maddy spilling my tea on a big batch today slowly is the operative word.

I miss Tim, every second of every day. Nights are hard and id do just about anything to talk to him again (as in have a conversation). People ask if I feel his presence and mostly I just feel the loss of it still, the hole of what was. I can't seem to fathom that I'm not going to see him again in this lifetime. If feels like a joke or that he's on a trip. I haven't caught myself calling him yet but I woke up and couldn't find him for awhile the other day. It was so confusing then so devastating. 

Stupid little things set me off, someone asking how I'm doing, a quote from Anchorman, a sweet friend doing the dinner prayer, finding all of his gory scary movies. In a way it's frustrating, I can't keep my emotions in check. I either sound/feel like a robot when I talk about him or I lose it, no middle ground. There have been some very awkward experiences at restaurants, on the phone with customer service reps and some poor people that ask the wrong question at the wrong time. Ultimately I've learned of the kindness of most people. There are a few scoundrels in the bunch but the ones that are good more than make up for the others.