Five Years

For one of the first times, I don’t know how to put my thoughts into the appropriate words. Today starts the five year anniversary of the worst day of my life. So much has changed over the past five years, I’ve gotten remarried to an incredible man who has so much respect for all of the life I’ve already lived and everyone that was and still is involved. Three weeks ago as of Saturday our daughter was born and I fell in love more with her over the course of a few days than I ever thought was possible even as I’m still in total disbelief that she’s real. I thought my lifelong hope of being a mom had ended with the death of Tim.

Life has come full circle for me. I was told over and over again in the days, weeks and months after his death that even though it didn’t feel like it I still had a lot of life to live. I didn’t believe it at the time but somehow those people were right. It’s been a hard road with many steep learning curves. I’ve made big mistakes through this process, I’ve said and done hurtful things to others, I’ve had some pretty rough things said and done to me but ultimately all of those have changed and made me grow in more ways than I ever thought was possible. Some relationships have slowly faded away but the most important ones are still very involved in our daily lives. Our family dynamics are a bit more extensive than a simple tree these days but we both know how lucky we are to have an extra fork of people we can love and that love the three of us and look forward to them being involved in our lives for years to come.

One thing hasn’t changed and it’s a hard concept for even me to grasp so I understand why others don’t get it either. I have not ever stopped loving or missing Tim. I never will. He changed the world for me. That world fell on its head Oct 4, 2014 & only really began to feel as though it was back on its axis a few years ago when I met my now husband. He taught me that I could fall in love with someone else just as deeply and that it wasn’t a shift of taking love and reapplying it elsewhere but more of an addition. I had always feared (based on Disney, fairytales, Hallmark movies, whatever) that you got one true love in this lifetime & that was all there was room in your heart for. I’m incredibly lucky to find that isn’t reality & even more lucky to get to have married both of them.

I hate October 4, it reminds me of what we all lost, my husband, Tom & Rickia’s son, Steven’s brother, etc. It was and always will be such a sad day for me but I hope that Tim’s life and legacy continue to be an inspiration for others. That if anyone stumbles across this blog in the middle of the night desperate search not far off of my own in the long nights after Tim’s death hoping to see that somehow it ends up

Ok, that this end to my story shows that it can be. Life goes on, it’s so hard to face that. It isn’t pretty but if the people who matter come first it will all work out. 

I was told some pretty profound words at the beginning of all of this by a grief counselor. She stated that you could could either become better from your loss or you could become bitter. Each person has that as their first fork in the road when facing a challenge like this. Better requires the hard work, facing the demons. Bitter is easy, you just stay the victim. Many times bitter was such a temptation of a path I wanted to follow but I’m so glad I ultimately chose the better path.