Sunday, January 18, 2015

Already failing at my new goals

So about that whole getting physically healthy thing...I have had a great start, a friend introduced me to Hot Yoga and I've found that not only do I love it but I'm not terrible at it like I am with every single other sport I try. (Also I'm not exaggerating, my high school friends still taunt me over my "fast break" that led to 2 points for the other team...the one time I didn't miss the darn basket & Tim was terrified that we'd have all sons with my lack of physical abilities, it would've been his worst nightmare as a parent). I went four times the first week and only once this past week (i might've decided one night that I'd rather have Thai food delivered). I'm headed back in this coming week though, I love the way it makes my body feel (exhausted and sore). It's great as it completely drains my body and occupies my mind while I'm in there so I finally get a break. Otherwise my mind is still going nuts, the memories flood me constantly throughout the day. Sometimes they are sweet, sometimes they are more disturbing.

I have been eating like crap as well. I killed a pint of Ben & Jerry's (& yes I was on a couch watching a movie eating out of the carton. As cliche as it gets). The good news is typically I just eat around the ice cream to get the cookie dough chunks and toss the rest so perhaps the whole pint doesn't count? I also had McDonalds today. It was terrible and reaffirmed why I don't eat that anymore. 

I came up to my parents house in Clyde NC for some respite away from the insanity. I haven't slept well for the last few weeks (back into my staying up all night routine and waking up early so I never get a large chunk of sleep). My medical insurance is still messed up until the beginning of February so I'm hoping to get started on a new plan then. Until then I've been sticking to my nightly rituals of bubble baths, sleepy time tea, my meds and prepping for bed before trying to lose myself in a book or trash TV show until I finally fall asleep. 

Emotionally I'm back and forth. Most nights I cry myself to sleep, some nights I wake up crying multiple times through the night. I have really weird but realistic dreams (if I say something to you that doesn't make sense clarify that with me as the dreams are so realistic I'm getting mixed up at times with what is really going on vs. it literally being a crazy figment of my imagination. Pair that with my current lack of memory and life is slightly confusing). Maddy also has been waking me up by barking aggressively in the middle of the night. I think there might be a squirrel living in my attic and hoping that's what has her riled up but my poor heart is getting a workout with those wake up calls. The lack of sleep had made me more grouchier than usual but I'm really trying to keep perspective. Sometimes there just isn't enough coffee.

I'm trying to become more forgiving and understanding to everyone I meet and keep in mind that I have no idea what they walk into when they go home just as they don't know the amount of loneliness and grief I walk around with.

It's becoming more real which I why I think I'm starting to get upset more. I try to talk about Tim a lot but I've been getting choked up when I try lately. Throughout my days I see things or talk to people and my first reaction is still, I can't wait to tell Tim. Or that I know something will make him laugh, mad, etc. or I just need his advice. I went to go buy new tennis shoes the other day (want to see if my knees will let me run again). I realized that I haven't picked out my own pair of sneakers since college. Tim has picked out every other pair since and I had no idea where to start. I just wandered down rows and stared for like an hour and finally just left frustrated. The reality that I never get to see him, feel him hug me when I need a pick me up, run ideas by him for his advice, etc. is all sinking in. Being alone is beginning to sink in. I'm adjusting to the living alone thing but Tim and I always talked a lot after dinner and when we laid down in bed. It's where we hashed out our hopes, dreams, fears and got/gave advice, backed each other up, fought over ideals. I miss that time with him. I miss not having him when I feel so down to give me one of his tight hugs and make some dumb remark to make me laugh. Maddy likely thinks I'm an idiot as I try to use her as my sounding board. Too bad she just groans and turns her head as she lies back down.

None of this has been easy but the past two weeks have brought in a different kind of hard. It's difficult to explain as rationally I know he's gone and not coming back but my body/mind keeps thinking that it's been enough and I'm ready for him to come back now. The realization that isn't happening hurts the most. I'm not ready and am struggling to accept that at least for now I'm not going to get the privilege of seeing him. That sucks.

I'm trying to stay focused on things I can look forward to. Three friends and I are headed to Universal Orlando for a fun long weekend riding rides and we're all currently studying up on our Harry Potter movies. I quickly learned that the movies are not in fact children's movies (or I'm a big wimp) and should be watched during daylight hours only. Thanks to Jay Motley's obsession with Harry Potter he's loaned me his library so now  I'm also reading the books (much less disturbing than the movies). There is discussion of matching colored t-shirts for each day (my friend Kim Browns family gave that idea). There has also been discussion of using fanny packs. We're hoping to bring them back from '95 to '15. They really are very functional waist purses (even if mine does say Myrtle Beach in a strong 1980s typograph)

There are two girls nights being scheduled by two sets of my amazing friends, all around Valentine's Day. Couldn't imagine being without some of the ones I love most that weekend. I think I had finally convinced Tim that he had to send me flowers this year (there is a first time for everything) so these "dates" will be the perfect replacement

Two other of my friends are helping me to plan a trip for Tim & i's fifth anniversary in April. I don't know that I completely care what we do but I do know I need it to be different and big enough to distract from it also being right at the sixth month anniversary of losing him. We're hoping to get some solid plans laid out in the next week or two. 

I've also been back working part time for my friend Jemny Kramer and her company Fickle. The first day was really hard as I was basically exactly where I was the day I got the call telling me to get to the Cancer center right away and all of the madness started. The work has been a good thing to be able to focus upon, a great distraction. 

I've also been hard at work at my house with finishing the screen porch, making my own builtins for my den. Finally getting my couch delivered. Getting artwork hung and trying to figure out where all of my junk goes. Hopefully my blinds should be up this week so I can stop using blankets to block the windows
I keep getting classier it seems. Minus a rug here or there and some artwork for some blank walls I think my house (inside anyway) is pretty much done. 

With that being the case I'm starting to look into what it would take to become a medical equipment sales representative. If anyone has advice on how to get started I'm more than willing to listen!

Now for the biggest news, steven and I met last week to discuss moving forward with one final BrightLife tournament.  We don't have any details yet on dates, prices, location, etc. but if anyone has items they'd like to donate for the auction, wants to help with gathering items and hole sponsor donations or has any ideas or suggestions as to what we could do to make this final tournament the best and most successful yet please let me know. Tim and I had discussed whether or not we should do a tournament this year and had been leaning toward no until he decided that he really wanted to do it again and got so excited about it. I hope we can translate a little of his excitement for this to you all as we start to get it figured out. As we get more information we will be sure to pass it along. This year all funds earned will do kind of a double duty. After everyone was so generous with the gifts to iTOR after we lost Tim the idea was brought up of naming the iTOR conference room after him. It's actually the last place he was with his advancement council meeting as they planned their great work for 2015. So all money raised from this years tournament goes to that. These funds will also be going to any specific projects designated. In years past Tim and I have spoken to Dr. Edenfield and asked that he put the funds where he sees the most research need. One year it covered the collection and analysis of solid tumors for patients at GHS for an entire year. This meant that for a year every GHS solid tumor patient got that analysis for free (early trials/non-standard protocol typically aren't covered by insurance). I plan to do the same for this year, find out what the most urgent need is and put the funding toward that in the hopes it will be the difference needed for someone else to get their cure. 

So basically I'm staying busy and trying to get myself reaclimated to the "real world" but doing so with baby steps and the understanding that it may be too much and have to step back before going forward again. Life overwhelms me .