Thursday, March 26, 2015

Less than a month left

I've gone to my new therapist twice now and I like it. I like her. She's ever so slowly helping me to renter the world as not just an observer but an active participant who wants to be involved. Each week she sets me to a new task and I'm becoming consumed by accomplishing those instead of just being a bump on a log. She's explained why I am so incredibly exhausted no matter how much sleep I get and keeps me from feeling as though I'm a crazy person. I tried to set a goal for myself to go through Tims jeans the other day, as soon as I opened the closet door and could smell him I knew it wasn't happening. I haven't opened that door in months so the way the smell encompassed me was too much to bear. I tried to push through it but I remembered us buying the first pair of jeans I pulled down and I remembered various times he wore them and exactly how they fit him and promptly gave up. Instead I started purging my closet which should keep me occupied for quite some time.

April is going to be a really hard month for me, the 6 month anniversary of Tims death is very quickly approaching on April 4, our anniversary is April 10 and its a big one, 5 years of marriage and 8 years since our first date. Finally the fifth and final BrightLife tournament and dinner is on April 20. It will be a lot of fun but it will also be a really hard day as although all of the funds that will be raised will be going to iTOR once again, Steven and I are focusing the day on Tim and his memory as without his want and desire to make a change and bring awareness to iTOR none of the previous day's would've ever happened.  I think his email below sums it up better than I can and I hope many of you and yours will be able to join us that day or that evening to celebrate the life of Tim.

Dear Friends,


Five years ago the first Brightlife “Tee it up for Tim” Golf Tournament was held.  It was put together by friends of my brother in order to make sure that he had funds available for travel or medications associated with his horrible disease.  Tim was blown away by the overwhelming response and money raised, therefore the next three Brightlife tournaments were “Tee it up for Cancer” in order to also help others who are battling cancer.   Up until Tim’s last breath, he always put other people and their needs ahead of his own.  On April 20 we will be holding the final Brightlife golf tournament, and we are going back to the original slogan, “Tee it up for Tim.”  All of the money raised will be going to ITOR, but the focus of this tournament will be a celebration of Tim’s life.    I hope to see all of you this year as we “Tee it for Tim” and honor him by enjoying a great day of golf, followed by dinner and a silent auction.  Tim enjoyed this day and looked forward to seeing everyone at the tournament and/or dinner every year.   We have cut down the number of teams in this year’s tournament, so if you have interest in playing I encourage you to sign up using the link below.

Once again I want to say thank you for your support in the past.  This tournament meant a great deal to Tim.  The final “Tee it up for Tim” event will be held on April 20 at Thornblade Club.  It will be a 1:00 shotgun start, followed by dinner beginning at 6.   Below you will see a link to the registration page for golf and dinner.  I look forward to seeing all of you.   Below is a picture of our group at the first Brightlife “Tee it up for Tim” event.  I challenge a group to top these shirts!!!


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

A Conglomeration

This is going to be all over the place, similar to my brain these days. It's been awhile since I've posted but there has been a lot on the schedule and I've been struggling a lot. I keep meaning to get back to blogging as it helps me feel better to get it out but it also helps me document where I've been so I can see if I'm making any progress (the feeling is that I'm stagnant). In that respect I'll likely be writing this over a period of at least a few days as I just don't have the time or energy to do much more.

Monday night (11:30PM):
I've taken my daily anti-anxiety meds and the max dose of my one-off anxiety meds. I'm slightly sleepy but my mind won't shut down for me to go to sleep. Instead I'm starting to respond to WAY overdue Facebook messages (some from as far back as September). My attention span sucks (it always has with my ADHD) so I likely won't get too far on these tonight. At some point I'll just put this down and stare blankly at Good Eats until I fall asleep on the couch. My bed hasn't exactly been comforting for me lately. Reaching over in the middle of the night to a cold bed instead of a warm body will wake you up faster than a bucket of cold water. Maddy stays out here with me every night and luckily I did invest in a nicer couch so my back hasn't been suffering too much. I cry a lot these days, it doesn't take much, if anything to set me off. I'm miserable. Stating that I miss Tim doesn't even begin to describe the feelings I have. I started counseling awhile back but I don't think it was the right time for me just yet. I'm restarting next week with a grief specialist and hoping to get help digging myself out of this quicksand of mourning. I feel like I'm always waiting for Tim to come home, I'm desperate to pick up the phone and have the relief of talking to him but it never happens, obviously. In that I feel as though I'm just waiting. I have amazing friends, friends that have been here for me day and night for the past 5 1/2 months. Those friendships still aren't wavering. This situation has been good in that I'm learned what true friendship looks like.

...So it's been over a week. I keep meaning to do this but there are a lot of things I "mean" to do these days...

Wednesday night (10:50PM):

Once again I've taken my meds but am not yet asleep, something happened last night that changed things, changed me and it's insane but yet I feel so different. I hope it lasts but I have no idea if it will and if it does how long that will be. It's been a really hard few months for me. I've sunk into somewhat of a depression that I don't even seem to have the desire to dig myself out of. I'm struggling to accomplish the simplest tasks for BrightLife or even my house (it got horrendously disgusting for awhile there). Keeping myself and Maddy fed and our hygiene intact is about my limit these days. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I have no issue sleeping all day and going back to sleep the next night. Granted my schedule is still insane but I'm getting more sleep than I have gotten in years. 

I've been busy and will have to recap all of that some other time but my close friends now refer to my house as Fort Knox with all of the security precautions I've added so I feel as safe as ever, to be honest I was no better off with Tim. We once heard noises on our back deck and his exact response to me was "go see what that was". He'd never have an issue sacrificing me for his own safety if an intruder was involved. He kept a long skinny bat called a fungo under our bed versus a metal bat so he wouldn't have to get as close (6"?) to whomever he was hitting. I think I heard more noises at our old house than I have at this one (other than whatever animal lives above my room/the den). I haven't been able to talk my dad into investigating that just yet.

I start counseling again tomorrow, it's overdue. I know I'll never be able to move forward without someone to help me figure out how to do it. I feel as though I'm in a rut and just constantly at odds with the situation I'm in and can't figure out how to come to terms with it much less how to be a functioning human being.

Last night I went to sleep Pretty late with the TV on. It felt as though I was in this weird semi-conscious state and I thought I was just dozing, you know when you're still awake but just lying there with your eyes closed. I do this a lot to try to get myself to fall asleep so it wasn't unusual. I started to realize that I was lying on someone's arm and that person had their other arm up over my head running their fingers through my hair just like Tim used to in order to put me to sleep. I could feel him behind me and somehow knew it was him just from his presence. He said something to me and when I rolled to my back to look at him and ask what he said I ended up being wide awake. It took me a second to realize what was happening but for the first time when realization hit it wasn't upsetting, I felt a sense of peace  and for the first time in almost 6 months I had felt Tim's presence. It's the strangest thing and now I feel like a drug addict just wanting another fix. It was the most realistic dream I've ever had, even the sounds of what was on TV actually sync' up to my dream. I know and understand the science behind it all and can honestly say it was more than that. Maybe it's some part of my sad and overworked brain reaching out but I'll take it, whatever it was. I just want more.

I also went to dinner with a friend who is a pediatric oncologist tonight. She has such a reassuring presence and as she's seen it over and over through her work she just gets it. There have been a few medical questions that have been bothering me about Tims death that I just haven't been sure I want the answers to but then again I need them to be ok. I think I just don't want to hear the "wrong" answer yet I want to person I'm asking to be honest with me no matter what the answer may be. I blurted out one of those questions to my friend tonight and she answered it with exactly what I'd been hoping to hear and even answered a few more with what I've been wanting without even knowing she was doing it.

I knew life was hard but had no idea just how hard it can be until I lost my best friend. He never leaves my mind and saying I miss him doesn't even begin to describe the feelings I have about him being gone. I've been told over and over again that it never gets better, just easier to deal with and I'm hopeful that tomorrow will start to teach me new coping mechanisms for making it easier to deal with.