Monday, November 16, 2015
Monday, October 26, 2015
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
I've been dreading this point in time since I lost Tim. Friday was Tim's 33rd birthday and he was the type that drug his birthday out as long as possible, it was obnoxious. I miss it. Saturday was the anniversary of him first crashing, being placed in the hospital and rapid response being called in resulting in he & I spending a very long night in MedSurg ICU with a very intoxicated and angry neighbor (don't drive your moped while intoxicated to a stop sign). Dr. Edenfield saved me the next morning as he came in with a very large cup of coffee for me.
A year ago today Tim was fighting for his life in CVICU and I spent another mostly sleepless night just watching him breathe. Still so grateful for Amy, the night nurse he had in the unit a few times that allowed him (& thereby me) rest as much as possible & sweet Savannah who knew something was wrong during the night before and refused to stop pushing for solutions.
I know the next few months are going to be like this, the good memory days and the bad memory days all leading up to that last day that crushed my soul. Even with the time that has passed and the successes I have made I don't think I will ever recover.
I have "normal" days now but nothing really seems normal to me anymore. I'm learning how to live again from scratch. Apparently part of that includes me now being an adrenaline junkie as I went skydiving last weekend (Happy Birthday Tim!) The guys were more nervous than I, https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=nJ52U2f-HBo
I've also started working in a job I love selling medical equipment, tube feeding, oxygen equipment, tracheotomy supplies, etc. It allows me to help people and be involved in the medical field that I love so much without the personal interactions nursing would bring. I feel like that dream died along with Tim. But I finally feel as though I've found my calling in life, jury is still out as to if I'm any good at it. It's good that my days are beginning to have structure and distraction as I don't know how I would get through these next few months without.
I keep feeling as though my time with Tim was a figment in time, a part of my imagination. Many times it doesn't feel real in that it ever happened. Other times it's hard to convince myself that he just isn't home yet. I am the worst roommate I've ever had & that includes Maddy who pees on anything she can reach when she gets mad at me (which has been a lot lately).
I am doing better, Tim is still in my every thought & I talk about him often but the quiet moments are when I miss him most bc they are the times everything floods me. Thank you to all that have been here for me in so many different ways over these past 10 months. I truly wouldn't have made it this far without my village.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Five years ago the first Brightlife “Tee it up for Tim” Golf Tournament was held. It was put together by friends of my brother in order to make sure that he had funds available for travel or medications associated with his horrible disease. Tim was blown away by the overwhelming response and money raised, therefore the next three Brightlife tournaments were “Tee it up for Cancer” in order to also help others who are battling cancer. Up until Tim’s last breath, he always put other people and their needs ahead of his own. On April 20 we will be holding the final Brightlife golf tournament, and we are going back to the original slogan, “Tee it up for Tim.” All of the money raised will be going to ITOR, but the focus of this tournament will be a celebration of Tim’s life. I hope to see all of you this year as we “Tee it for Tim” and honor him by enjoying a great day of golf, followed by dinner and a silent auction. Tim enjoyed this day and looked forward to seeing everyone at the tournament and/or dinner every year. We have cut down the number of teams in this year’s tournament, so if you have interest in playing I encourage you to sign up using the link below.
Once again I want to say thank you for your support in the past. This tournament meant a great deal to Tim. The final “Tee it up for Tim” event will be held on April 20 at Thornblade Club. It will be a 1:00 shotgun start, followed by dinner beginning at 6. Below you will see a link to the registration page for golf and dinner. I look forward to seeing all of you. Below is a picture of our group at the first Brightlife “Tee it up for Tim” event. I challenge a group to top these shirts!!!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Monday night (11:30PM):
I've taken my daily anti-anxiety meds and the max dose of my one-off anxiety meds. I'm slightly sleepy but my mind won't shut down for me to go to sleep. Instead I'm starting to respond to WAY overdue Facebook messages (some from as far back as September). My attention span sucks (it always has with my ADHD) so I likely won't get too far on these tonight. At some point I'll just put this down and stare blankly at Good Eats until I fall asleep on the couch. My bed hasn't exactly been comforting for me lately. Reaching over in the middle of the night to a cold bed instead of a warm body will wake you up faster than a bucket of cold water. Maddy stays out here with me every night and luckily I did invest in a nicer couch so my back hasn't been suffering too much. I cry a lot these days, it doesn't take much, if anything to set me off. I'm miserable. Stating that I miss Tim doesn't even begin to describe the feelings I have. I started counseling awhile back but I don't think it was the right time for me just yet. I'm restarting next week with a grief specialist and hoping to get help digging myself out of this quicksand of mourning. I feel like I'm always waiting for Tim to come home, I'm desperate to pick up the phone and have the relief of talking to him but it never happens, obviously. In that I feel as though I'm just waiting. I have amazing friends, friends that have been here for me day and night for the past 5 1/2 months. Those friendships still aren't wavering. This situation has been good in that I'm learned what true friendship looks like.