Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The worst week of the year

This week is an emotional one for me every single year as it has been since we found out Tim had mets the Monday after Thanksgiving 2010 and the typical expectancy was two years. Tim almost made it four. Each year the anxiety of what is to come in the next and remembering how awful it was to find out tims cancer had spread doesn't compare  to this year without him. I've had so many amazing friends helping me unpack/repack Tim's things over the past few weeks. I'm putting his things into storage until I'm in a better place and better able to go through them all. Today though I went on a binge of unpacking boxes as my family is celebrating Thanksgiving here Thursday and I wanted to try to have an area in which they wouldn't be tripping over everything. Of course today would be the day that id find our old photo albums, ticket stubs, wedding momentos, etc. it's so strange to see a lot of this and wonder where Tim wants it before realizing none of it matters to him anymore. It only matters to me.

A week or so ago I had a really bad day where I woke up and couldn't figure out why Tim wasn't in bed. I was so confused thinking he went to get something to drink or to the bathroom And the confusion seemed to last awhile. Then suddenly it all sunk in. I didn't get out of bed that day. 

I said that I'd share the good, bad and ugly so here it goes. Days have been better for the most part but I don't know if that's because I've completely thrown myself into getting my house put together and I'm terrified of what's to come after I finish this project. I have days where It's an accomplishment for me to take Maddy for a walk and get myself something to eat but I also have days (few and far between) that I'm fairly productive. Nights are a different story. My meds knock me out for the most part but it's an unconscious sleep versus good quality sleep. Sometimes I forget to take my meds until the point that I'd be sleeping through dinner if I took them at that point and I have to tough it out. Some days I've exhausted myself so much physically it overpowers my constantly turning mind. Others result in me being awake until 4:30-5am. 

For awhile (& sometimes still now) I prayed for God to take me. I could never hurt myself because it would be such an injustice of me to take my life after Tim fought so hard for his but I now understand how people can get so low that it seems like the right option for them. Instead I've prayed that God will see it as my time and reunite me with Tim. I've told my grief therapist this and many others, I'm told it's a normal part of the process of grieving. I say it because I kept wondering if I was suicidal by wanting it to be my time.

I've also had a lot of crappy stuff happening lately including my first wreck since high school (everyone is fine, tims car will be in the shop for a few weeks), getting locked out of my house, BIG issues getting my title at the DMV (as in two states and the bank I got my loan from all claiming the other holds the title and they can't do anything resulting in five trips to the DMV within three days), having an untraceable gas leak in my house, tims car just shutting off on me later one evening when I was two houses from being home and various other "fun" adventures.

There have been some good things too though. The cards, texts and calls have continued to come which makes me feel so loved in the midst of all of this. There have been over 500 DVDs donated for the hospital, in fact I dropped off the cart about two weeks ago with Tims friend Berkley and got a text from Savannah (tims night nurse over and over and my saving grace many times over) where she'd had a plaque made dedicating the cart in memory of Tim. I'm taking the extras to the Cancer Center for a library for the long days there as well as to McCall Hospice House. Riverside moved the BrightLife banner they created for Fim into the gym for basketball season (he LOVEd girls basketball, esp when my cousin Rebecca or Haley's sister Georgia was playing), my oldest friend, Lauren, had her baby last night and let our friend Hayley and I join their families to meet little Savannah Mae right after she was born. My friend Megan and her husband Ed took me up to see her parents and their day old puppies, Maddy loves to cuddle with me now (she may be using me for my bed but that's ok), 

I have to say the worst is going to bed alone. It doesn't matter who stays over, I don't get my favorite time of the day with him anymore where we just hang out, watch TV, talk and generally made fun of each other. Tim made me laugh a lot in ways that no one else has ever been able to before. I can't remember if I've told this story or not on here so forgive me if I repeat myself but we had many sleepless nights filled with worry and Tim would always try to cheer me up. On three occasions he was the most successful he's ever been. One random night around 3am he made up a game called the Bright Olympics, even invented the rules himself, for himself. I think it was pretty well known although unspoken that I would never take part in this game as I can be incredibly shy (hard to believe once you actually know me). You'll understand why in a minute.  The rules for his game were that he had to strip down, turn on all of the outside lights and id time him to see how fast he could run around the house shoeless and naked. 1. I forgot to start the timer I was laughing so hard when he actually ran out of the front door with nothing on 2. He slipped on the third turn on the mulch and I completely lost it after that so he came in wanting to know how he did and found me utterly useless from laughing. He instituted a shoe only rule after that. The third Olympics he stripped down yet again and ran up and down our road three times which had me in stitches but it was the second Olympics that I'll never get the image out of my head. He decided he was going to do jumping jacks on the front porch (naked of course) and would do 50 but as we now had neighbors across the street he decided to forgo the lights this time. He got out there and probably about 15 in I turned on the porch lights just to taunt him (we teased each other incessantly, to the point that an outsider or someone who didn't get our relationship might think we were being cruel when in actuality it's how we expressed our love to each other) and I thought he'd coming sprinting back in. To my surprise he just grinned and started counting louder. I've never laughed that much in my life.

Here are some pictures from the past few weeks:

My sorority sisters that helped with the first weekend of unpacking (along with many other friends that kept me company, made my beds, etc. that first day)

The locksmiths discovering the gas leak (yes these events happened in short succession)

The stocked DVD cart for 5D and the sweet sign Savannah had made for it.

Tims car after the wreck and it decided to just quit on me.

Day old puppies

My living room

Lauren and Savannah Mae

Proof of Maddy being sweet.

Thanks to all for the messages, calls, etc. I do these posts (most you'll notice are at 3-4am with crazy spelling errors as I'm always to lazy to get up and get my computer) in the attempt to quiet my brain at night so in reality they are similar to the tattoos I got. I do them for me and to remember Tim but I'm glad to hear that some enjoy my rambling on about Tim and I hope this helps to keep his memory alive in everyone. I guess I'm terrified of even one person forgetting who he was.

Friday, November 7, 2014

A Hard Day

Today is going to be a hard one. Although the house isn't fully ready I'm moving all of our stuff in which means going through all of our memories. I'm really overwhelmed right now as I go to meet the moving truck at the storage facility. I have lots of great friends that will be with me today and through the weekend which I'm extremely grateful for but please pray for my sanity as well as theirs as well as for a successful move and that this will be more sweet than bitter as I'm reintroduced to our things. I'm hoping they give me more of a feeling of comfort and being "home" than of anxiety and grief. 


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

The official month anniversary

Although Saturday marked 4 weeks since  Tims death, today was the official month mark. I met with someone from USCU's nursing program today to officially resign. I may change my mind later but for now I know that although I could do the technical requirements, I couldn't do the emotional ones and from experience I can say that patients deserve more than what I can give at this point of my life. The school has been incredibly kind, understanding, patient and generous to me over these last few months. I don't know what my plans are, right now I'm just trying to make it through each day as well as anticipating the upcoming holidays and how hard they will be. I don't think I'll be making any additional major life decisions until after the beginning of the year. Two tattoos and dropping out of school are enough for now.

I've been in the mountains which is healing for me. Tim and I were only able to spend one night up here together. It's one of my favorite memories as we watched pitch perfect, drank more beer than we should and just enjoyed spending time with Maddy and each other. That one good memory is comforting but keeps me from feeling overloaded by the floods of memories that happen elsewhere. The time up here has given me time to think, to reflect and to try to get a little organization back into my life. I haven't even looked at our bank accounts in months (I'm positive they are a mess), I don't know what bills I have paid and who I owe money to anymore, I have quite a few accounts that I have to have placed in my name, I still have to get our money pit finished and move in and I have a boatload of thank you notes to write for all of the generosity bestowed upon me by you all over this last month. 

I'm having more "not horrendous" days than the ones where I can't function. I'm achieving my goals each day (and even did so early today and got back in bed for the afternoon). My life is still very surreal but I'm reading lots of books as I've found they are a good distraction and actually keep my mind focused which is a rare event and I'm trying to focus on making it to the end of each week versus the end of each day now.

I'm terrified of the fact that I'll never be the same, that I don't recognize myself in pictures from "before". I remember the events happening as the picture was taken but I can't evoke any feeling I was having during that time. I feel like an outsider as I remember those events. I hate knowing that the pain will become easier to bear but will never go away. I hate that I not only lost my husband but my hopes and dreams for the future both personal and professional. I'll never know what our children will look like and whose dominate genes ultimately would've been the winner. I'll never get to see Tim as a father, which was one of his biggest dreams, and later as a grandfather. I'll never get to stare into his old grouchy stubborn wrinkly face bc I know that's exactly the type of old man he would've been, the kind that complains about every ache and pain, the weather, etc but secretly loves every bit of being alive.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

One Month

Today marks a month since Tims death. I'm getting a little better each day. I try not to admit it but in my heart I know I am. I mourn Tim every day, I feel his loss and absence everyday and every day I still have to give myself a pep talk just to get out of bed. It still doesn't feel real, I can still see him talking to me so I can't compute that he's truly gone. 

Each day I have three goals for myself: make the bed, eat more than once, accomplish one project at our house. Some days I get the bare minimum accomplished, others I get a little more. I've broken a door and a shelf by kicking/hammering through them in anger. I put up a fan that has blades not too firmly attached and a light fixture that may or may not be an immediate fire hazard. I'm trying though, as hard as I possibly can and although it doesn't get easier or less painful it makes the days go faster. 

Saturday's are bad, many close to impossible as I'm flooded with memories of that day. I know today may be one of the worst yet but I have a big plan a friend is helping me pull off to help make a dream of Tims become a sort of reality and I hope that's something that will make him smile because every day my goal is to do whatever I can to make him proud of me.

A few Saturdays ago I had what can only be described as a full mental breakdown I've been getting better (although I've also been getting sleep and food) since that point. I almost wonder if that was something I needed in order to move forward although now I'm constantly nervous of it happening again. It came on so suddenly and severely that it scared me and I'm pretty nervous about it. 

Tomorrow is All Saints Day at our church where they will honor all that have passed, including Tim. This will be hard on a multitude of levels for me, my first time back at the church since the funeral, my first time back around a crowd since I've developed this overwhelming fear and claustrophobia and my first time truly facing that Tim is gone in an official forum. There have been phone calls to be made but a lot is currently on hold so I haven't had to face the reality just yet, I don't really know what All Saints Day is about but I imagine hearing his name being read aloud will make this more of a reality than it has been. I dread going but I can't imagine not being there for Tim tomorrow so somehow I'll draw from his strength and just do it. Please pray for us all today, each "anniversary" is hard but this just feels so big, so heavy.