Monday, October 26, 2015

Post Anniversary

Go figure that the one year anniversary of Losing Tim was the same weekend as Joaquin. I will say it was a good distraction as I watched all the news reports rolling in about what was going on. My company headquarters is in Cokumbia (& was luckily spared) but it also gave me a sense of purpose on Monday to try to see how I could help alleviate some of the responsibility from my coworkers and help. 

It's been hard, I try to keep myself distracted and not to think about what I've lost but it haunts me. I didn't just lose my husband/soulmate/best friend/etc... But I missed almost 5 years of being somewhat carefree, the potential of having a family and being a mom, having some to do life with. I'm grieving a lot of those losses as much as I'm grieving Tim at times. Not long after losing Tim I received something called a mantra bracelet that stated "be still and know." It's become my life mantra and a phras I repeat over and over to myself when I am falling apart or having a hard day.

That being said, sometimes it's hard for me now to use some of the best overdramatic expressions I used to (I.e. I'm dying, this is the worst day of my life, etc.) I start to but catch myself as they just sound so trivial and callous now that I have seen someone die and I have lived through the worst day of my life. I don't get phased by the rough stuff as much as I used to and I still get annoyed by trivial things but now I truly understand what is worthwhile and really important in life. I was thinking of what I would save if I had to leave my house in a hurry (it's an exercise I've done before at night to distract my anxiety at night). Before my concern would always be that Tim & I wouldn't have enough room in our cars for all of the things we'd "have" to save. Now I think I'd have extra room as so long as I had Maddy, important paperwork and my pillow (you'd understand if you slept in my bed) I'd be just fine.

Some portion of my life feels surreal and like a dream. I can't decide if it's the part I'm living now or the part from before. I see pictures of myself from "before" and then don't know who that girl is. I can't imagine living without the understanding of how bad life can be like I know now. It makes me feel as though I'm al let two completely separate people.

My body is still struggling, I've finally mostly gotten my sleeping under control but Friday was put on a regime of antibiotics for a minor infection I had. I started feeling worse Saturday evening and my mom took me to existent care. I was sure I had gotten a full blown case of the flu on top of this other infection. Apparently I was allergic to the antibiotics I was getting so today I've been loading up on fluids trying to flush that one out of my system and let the other kick in. I also screwed up a tooth and had to go to the dentist this morning to get that fixed up. Some of my pain has finally subsided as of this evening and I'm finally starting to feel a little better. I'm hopeful that the high dosage of antibiotics should keep me somewhat healthy at least for a few weeks.

My girlfriends have been absolutely incredible through the past few weeks, they have buoyed me through this and kept me busy and distracted. I hope there is never a reason that I can do enough to thank them for everything they've done for me. 

I'm slowly but surely making progress. I got it in me to go through Tim's clothes the other day and pull out his lesser used items. I'm still not really ready to part with them so they are hanging out in a spare bedroom but I took a step. My house is almost done with projects I can do but now I'm bored and ready for a new one. Keeping my hands busy during the evenings and weekends is much better for me than lying around watching TV.

Maddy is doing great other than being a lazy bum. This morning after letting her out to go to the bathroom she sprinted back in, climbed up in my bed and fell back asleep. She's figured out that if she bangs her bowls around enough I'll come fill up whatever is missing so she essentially lives the life of a pampered princess. I still blame Tim for ruining my dog as she had much better manners before he entered our lives. She's also figured out how to move the kitchen chairs around and will let herself up onto kitchen counters or the table and help herself to whatever she desires when I'm out of the house. I've been catching her via the nanny cam, she's sneaky in that she hops right down when she knows I'm coming in and approaches the door as though she was sleeping on the couch. 

That's been the extent of my exciting life these days. I don't do much other than work, work on the house or watch TV so I'm pretty boring at this point. I've written somewhere around 500-600 thank you notes but I'm still behind by about 150 so I know there are many overdue and I apologize but they are coming. The same goes for the Favebook messages, I will respond to each one but I'm super slow so you have my most sincere apologies and know it will arrive someday...

Thank you all for all of your love, support and kindness. Even when I don't respond know that I do see it, appreciate it and am so grateful for it.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Today was bad, tomorrow will be worse

Today has been hard, it officially marks a full year since I lost Tim. Everything I've done over this past year has been in the perspective of what were we doing at this time last year. Right now I was signing off on not having an autopsy on Tim, they were asking me what funeral home to use, I was starting to go through my and Tim's phones for our families to call and inform friends of the news, I missed a lot of people in the chaos. Someone posted something about it on Facebook which forced our hand into making a post about what had happened versus being able to let the shock sink in and get through the night. I had to get on the elevator and walk away from Tim for the last time. I passed out from exhaustion and it's one of the last times I really slept through the night without medication, even to this day.

Today has been hard, full of clear and difficult memories of what Tim went through in his last day. Tomorrow will be nearly impossible. Tomorrow will be the first time in my adult like that I look back to what happened last year and don't have memories of Tim included. I have had such a tremendous support system and incredibly patient, kind and thoughtful friends but it doesn't make the process any easier. Thank you all for supporting me, our siblings, parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends over the past year. There are many more hard days ahead for all of us but the kindness and patience means a lot.