Tuesday, August 18, 2015

It's Here

I've been dreading this point in time since I lost Tim. Friday was Tim's 33rd birthday and he was the type that drug his birthday out as long as possible, it was obnoxious. I miss it. Saturday was the anniversary of him first crashing, being placed in the hospital and rapid response being called in resulting in he & I spending a very long night in MedSurg ICU with a very intoxicated and angry neighbor (don't drive your moped while intoxicated to a stop sign). Dr. Edenfield saved me the next morning as he came in with a very large cup of coffee for me.

A year ago today Tim was fighting for his life in CVICU and I spent another mostly sleepless night just watching him breathe. Still so grateful for Amy, the night nurse he had in the unit a few times that allowed him (& thereby me) rest as much as possible & sweet Savannah who knew something was wrong during the night before and refused to stop pushing for solutions.

I know the next few months are going to be like this, the good memory days and the bad memory days all leading up to that last day that crushed my soul. Even with the time that has passed and the successes I have made I don't think I will ever recover.

I have "normal" days now but nothing really seems normal to me anymore. I'm learning how to live again from scratch. Apparently part of that includes me now being an adrenaline junkie as I went skydiving last weekend (Happy Birthday Tim!) The guys were more nervous than I, https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=nJ52U2f-HBo

I've also started working in a job I love selling medical equipment, tube feeding, oxygen equipment, tracheotomy supplies, etc. It allows me to help people and be involved in the medical field that I love so much without the personal interactions nursing would bring. I feel like that dream died along with Tim. But I finally feel as though I've found my calling in life, jury is still out as to if I'm any good at it. It's good that my days are beginning to have structure and distraction as I don't know how I would get through these next few months without.

I keep feeling as though my time with Tim was a figment in time, a part of my imagination. Many times it doesn't feel real in that it ever happened. Other times it's hard to convince myself that he just isn't home yet. I am the worst roommate I've ever had & that includes Maddy who pees on anything she can reach when she gets mad at me (which has been a lot lately).

I am doing better, Tim is still in my every thought & I talk about him often but the quiet moments are when I miss him most bc they are the times everything floods me. Thank you to all that have been here for me in so many different ways over these past 10 months. I truly wouldn't have made it this far without my village.