Sunday, October 26, 2014

My meds

Things have been slightly better, I feel guilty saying that as I feel as though I'm letting go of Tim in some way but actually sleeping and keeping food down (even in smaller quantities) has a way of doing that to a person.

I got a shot of phenergan that completely knocked me out for a full night and the majority of the next day. I went to my doctor who prescribed Klonopin to make my brain slow down enough to sleep and Zofran to help with my nausea. I'm now sleeping about 15 hours a night (technically I haven't slept through the night since the first week of August) and am getting small meals down and keeping them down. My mouth still aches from the sores but the magic mouthwash prescribed by my doctor (a combination of lidocaine and malox) keeps it numb enough to allow me to eat, my mouth is improving too, just slowly. I've also started taking Celexa so hopefully that will kick in over the next few weeks and start to help me feel a bit more stable. Typically I wouldn't share all of my medical data but I've been a little embarrassed about how much trouble I've been having with everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm being over dramatic but can't turn it off so I thought others may feel the same.

I went to the mountains with my mom and some family friends this weekend. Tim and I had an amazIng night there a few months ago of just hanging out, drinking some beer and watching pitch perfect in front of the fire but those are our only memories there which was kind of a relief to get a break from being surrounded by all of them 24/7. I feel like I'm drowning in memories of him sometimes, other times I feel like I can't remember enough.ive felt claustrophobic since all of this happened though to the point I want to do something crazy like bungee jumping (I hate heights) but it reflects in my outfit (or lack there of at times) with the baggiest clothes I can find bc everything else feels so restrictive. I also have no shame in wearing pajamas and slippers in public anymore at any time.

I have some really big decisions to make soon although it feels way too early to make any. I'm freaking out about what countertops to get for my kitchen, much less life decisions. The first being if I start nursing school in January. I don't know if I can be back in the hospital or run into things/procedures/etc. that remind me of Tim and all he went through constantly so I could use a little guidance there. My house is also done (a few more weeks still) and I need to figure out how/if I can feel safe there. I think I'm going to travel some between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Tim and I adored this time of year and we've developed quite a few traditions around the holidays. I'm just not sure how many (if any) I can face this year. I'll be in town for Christmas for sure but only because Haley is due and I'm incredibly excited to meet my newest niece. As for everything else, I'm still trying to figure out what I want, what I need and what I can do. They all seem to contradict all of each other. 

Thanks for sticking through all of this with me, I feel like all I do is complain and gripe. I know how lucky I am to be surrounded by friends, family and strangers during this time. I have been receiving and reading every message. I haven't figured out nor had the energy to respond to most yet but I did want you all to know that I do get them, I do see them and each and every one does mean so very much to me. You all are keeping me going, making me get out of bed each day and somehow move forward through the hell. You all have buoyed me with the strength I don't currently have on my own right now. As crazy as I sound, I feel your prayers and know I wouldn't have even made it this far without all of you. Days are long but time moves quickly and I can't believe it's almost been a month since i lost Tim, I keep waiting for life to feel ok again but am realizing that may take an incredibly long time. The fact that you all are still cheering me on and haven't given up on me means so much. I think that's something I'm really afraid of, everyone else moving on while I'm still in this standstill in life.

To my sorority sisters in particular, whichever of you started the campaign of sending me DVDs for the hospital and notes for me, thank you. Hearing from many of you that I haven't heard from/seen since graduation or that we've lost contact over the years has meant the world to me. There are so many stereotypes to sorority girls. Many we ourselves lived up to during our time in Chi Omega at Carolina but you all have been showing the true testament of what a sisterhood is truly about. About a week before he died, Tim told me he was proud of me for coming up with that idea. Thank you for carrying it on for me when I haven't been able to, thank you for carrying me when I haven't been able to.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

My memories

My grief counselor suggested I start to journal my memories of Tim during the time he passed away each day to try to change the anxiety I've been having at that point into something positive. I thought I'd start with the things that drove me crazy about Tim. The things we fought over (& we had some nasty fights over the years), the things that I "hated" about him, the things I was always trying to get him to change or improve upon. Those are some of the things I now miss the most as I've realized that they were what made me fall even more in love with him, even as I wanted to throttle him at the time.

1. No matter how much he deserved for me to be mad at him and how wrong he was in a situation, I always felt guilty when I got angry with him. For instance, one night the last I heard from him he was on his way home from the Carolina game and should be back by 12:30-1am. Next thing I know it's 2:30am and he had yet to walk through the door, isn't answering his phone and I'm losing my mind thinking he got in a wreck (more on that later). When he finally called about 30 minutes later he's mad at me for bugging him while he's trying to have a good time (this is after I've been blowing up his phone with calls and texts). Apparently he decided to stop by a friends house on the way home and didn't take his phone inside. He had a way of spinning circumstances that by the end of the call I'm still mad as all get out at him, am berating him for scaring me like he did and feeling guilty and apologizing for freaking out on him. He would've made for an amazing lawyer with his slick way of turning a situation around without me ever realizing it until it was too late.

2. Tim REFUSED to ever admit he was wrong. I can't tell you how many times I would force an apology and make him retry it to me multiple times due to the apology being along the lines of "I'm sorry that you thought I should've called and it scared you that I didn't" granted I had to ask him if he even felt bad about what he did to get the weak apology. Every time after a fight though he'd do something small but sweet to show he was sorry, like offering for me to put my cold feet on him to warm up (usually no matter how asleep he was when I'd try I would get a "uh-uh get them off now").

3. Tim had a hot temper. One of his friends, jake, nicknamed him "Angry Tim" at one point due to that. His road rage in particular drove me crazy. Sometimes it was entertaining to watch him get worked up about the smallest thing, sometimes it would irritate me and sometimes my hot temper would also come out. What was funny about that was that Tim wanted everyone to think he was laid back and easygoing and I was completely uptight (which I am) when in fact he was just like me. In the last few months though I was surprised at how mellowed out he became, it seemed like he was growing out of angry Tim and finally becoming the easygoing person he always tried to portray.

4. Tim was VERY particular. I have major OCD issues that my friends like to make fun of, Tim liked everything to be just so in his own little way as much as, if not more so than I. I took full advantage of that in knowing he couldn't stand to see dishes on the counter or in the sink. I haven't loaded or unloaded a dishwasher (without company anyways) in almost 5 years. He also sorted laundry almost down to the color, whites, lights, reds, darks, blacks, sheets, towels, cleaning rags. Our washing machine and dryer never stopped but I never had to do laundry as he despised my idea of everything being permanent press all the time. I also shrunk a few of his shirts and forgot I was washing something leaving it in the washer for days on end so I was banned. Once he began doing laundry for us there were strict rules I had to follow about making sure everything was right side out. He also just recently got out of the 90s trend of wearing white t-shirts under everything but still had a ridiculous stockpile of them. He had two baskets of them in his closet his "good" ones and his "bad" ones. To this day I don't have a clue of what constituted a good vs bad white t-shirt. His love of order, however different than mine, kept my anxious OCD satisfied and me out of chores I despised.

5. Tim was a terrible driver. He always told me what an excellent driver he was but he could make me incredibly carsick driving from our house to Woodruff Rd. he always slammed on the gas, was heavy on the brake and took turns full speed ahead. He got in more accidents than I can count on the years we were together and I caught him watching movies on his navigation system as he drove down the road more than once. His car is a bit worse for the wear because of it. He always drove though, never complained about not feeling like it or just wanting to relax and be a passenger. For as many road trips as we took together, I rarely, if ever was the driver. 

6. His favorite color was black. I don't know why this bugged me but it always did, secretly it's one of my favorites too even though I always tried to make him like blue more. In fact, in our new house I had it planned for our bathroom to be painted black just for him. He never got to see it but I was so looking forward to his face when he walked in for the first time.

7. His taste in music was TERRIBLE. You can literally ask any of his good friends about tims taste in music and all will just shake their heads. No one has ever been able to grasp how such a sweet and outwardly calm guy loved such hard and heavy music. I was drug to so many TOOL concerts, 93.3 Birthday Bashes, etc. and have never seen more horror in his eyes than when I told him that he was taking me to New Kids on the Block. Poor guy was miserable the entire time. He used to tell me his music calmed him down while it was making me an anxious mess but I find myself turning on his playlists more often than not these days and I finally understand the calm he spoke of. By no means is this my new favorite but I've finally garnered an appreciation for his music.

8. He would seat at bees, wasps, Hornets, etc. and never quite understood that he (& I) were much less likely to be stung if he stopped staging combat against them. He was stung once while mowing the grass which barely made a welt and you would've thought someone had chopped off his leg. However when I got stung multiple times after mowing over a nest a few years later, was yelling at him to open the door as I was standing on the porch ripping my pants off sure that the insects were still in there stinging me and welts all over my legs he couldn't have moved slower and told me not to freak out so much the next time. 

9. He complained about every darn thing. The picture of him that is so amazing and we used for a lot of the service, obituary, etc. as well as the one of the two of us with his arms wrapped around me had him complaining the entire time about sweating, about walking, about having to have his picture taken. I learned that was just Tim and the way he functioned. I also learned how to goad him even more so if I had to hear the complaining, at least I got a good time out of it. For as much as he complained though, he put up with a lot of things I drug him to and through and although he'd complain to me fore, during and after, he never let anyone else hear him (unless a fellow compatriot gave him the leeway to complain to them that is).

10. He couldn't multitask, he couldn't even text and talk to me at the same time. Our dry cleaners knew us well due to the amount of time they'd have our stuff sitting with them before Tim would stop back by with his guilty but winning grin for forgetting yet again. He would get so flustered with me if I told him a list of things to do but he did love a good list and loved showing me the things he was able to check off. As I figured out that getting the tasks completed was a game for him I would've with him and give him a list that was impossible to complete in one day. He would bust his butt though to try to prove me wrong and get it all done.

I really could go on: he was the worlds worst bedhog (would claim he was on the edge when actuality it was his face on the edge while the rest of him was curled up across the diagonal of the bed), he was a notorious cover stealer and although all of the covers would be sagging off to his side of the bed every morning he would accuse me of stealing the covers all night (I did end up figuring out how to partially roll myself into the covers to protect from his attacks), he drank out of all the cartons (sorry to anyone that has been a guest at our house), he could never be in a room without the TV on (I miss turning on the TV and it always being on ESPN bc Tim had it last), he first hated my dog and kicked her out of my bed before falling madly in love with her (& she with him) to the point they would be hanging out in bed with no room for me to get in (we had a king) and so many more. Ultimately I miss those annoying things. If I had to fall into a toilet bowl in the middle of the night every single night bc Tim left the seat up again I would do it happily, I'd go to all of the horrible TOOL concerts where they play the same songs they played at the last one and some drunk idiot inevitably tries to play air drums on your head while your husband is too engrossed in the show to notice (true story), I'd be carsick every day just to have him back. To see that sweet smile grinning back at me as he tortured me yet again, for him to lean down in my ear and grumble about whatever it is he's having to do at that moment, for me to be banned to the other couch bc "it's daddy softer time". 

There is a Portuguese word I ran into somehow years ago and it just recently came back into my thoughts. Back then I thought it was just a beautiful sentiment and I was amazed that there was no direct translation, no word in the English language of comparison. Now I live that word every day and completely understand its meaning: 
Saudade  It describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing may never return.[2] A stronger form of saudade may be felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown, such as a lost lover, or a family member who has gone missingmoved away, separated, or died.

Saudade was once described as "the love that remains" after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone (e.g., one's children, parents, sibling, grandparents, friends, pets) or something (e.g., places, things one used to do in childhood, or other activities performed in the past) that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. It brings sad and happy feelings all together, sadness for missing and happiness for having experienced the feeling.

My dog peed on my towel

it's been a really bad few days, last night being the absolute worst. Each day gets harder bc I'm taken further from my life with Tim. I used to feel his presence, no matter if he was in the next room or a few states away. I don't feel that anymore and it's incredibly lonely. 

I'm so mad at Tim and at God right now. I know it's not something he chose but It feels like Tim abandoned me when I needed him most without so much as a compass. I can't find any valid reason why God didn't miraculously heal him and took him instead. I know he's out of pain, I know he's whole again, I know eternity with him is nothing compared to the life I have left without him but none of that provides any comfort whatsoever. I would take him back in any form I could get him right now. I read a quote that stated that moving on from grief is similar to monkey bars. At some point you have to let go to move forward. Problem being that I don't ever want to let go, I don't want a new normal or life before/with Tim and life after. I just want my crappy old life back, as many problems and hurdles as there were. 

Over the years I thought about what life could be like if I ever lost Tim. I had no idea, the imagined pain I felt was incomparable to the real thing. I haven't really slept for two weeks now, nor have I really eaten as I'm so tired of getting sick every single time. I'm hungry, I have a constant headache, my body aches and is weak, I get dizzy doing very little, I have painful sores throughout the inside of my mouth and I'm so indescribably exhausted. 

Maddy hasn't been the same since the night I came home from the hospital without Tim. She gets up and walks away every time I get near her, sleeps or just lays in her bed the majority of the day and most recently peed on the only towel I had in the bathroom/my room while I was in the shower for the first time in more days than I care to admit. I found out as I tried to dry myself with that towel. It wasn't an accident, she hadn't had one in years and actually is notorious for peeing on my parents dog's bed when she's upset with her. Maddy actually peed on my mom in bed one night after I told mom she had to cut out the daily treats she was giving her. Maddy got her revenge on mom the same night mom cut her off. She's mellowed out a little in the past few days but I have no doubt she's grieving the loss of Tim and is confused about where he is. Each time I go to get in the car she tries to hop in with me, if she does make it in she refuses to get out. I've been driving his car the few times I've gone out and each time I pull back in the driveway she comes running up to greet me but quickly loses her exuberance as she realizes it's only me. She and Tim had a very close bond and the big joke around our house was that I was the fifth wheel with the two of them.

My days haven't been much better than Maddy's. I'm trying to slowly renter the world but nothing feels right. Our house still isn't done and now I'm torn about living there, I'm terrified of living alone. I'm anxious about having to go through our things and relive all of our memories. Sometimes I just don't want to have any memories of Tim but I'm terrified of losing a single one.

I often forget that Tim isn't coming back, that this isn't some horrible dream, that he's not on some trip, that I can't call him, can't have a conversation with him, that cuddling up with him is no longer a possibility. Each time the realization of those facts is just as, if not more so, painful as the last. I don't know why I keep thinking that if we could just get in our house everything will be ok and we can go forward. I catch myself speaking of him in present tense, I find myself daydreaming of things we could do, I stumble over every big decision bc I haven't made one by myself in almost 10 years.

I've been told that the grief doesn't get better, but that it gets easier to deal with. I can't imagine a time where it doesn't take my breath away. I can't find the light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes I ask God why he took Tim instead of me.

I search for signs from Tim constantly, in song lyrics, in the sky, everywhere, everyday. I haven't found one yet. I talk to him and God constantly and ask them to send me something but I haven't gotten a response. I've been through more hell in the past five years than many have to experience in a lifetime and I can't conceptualize any just reason. I'm trying really hard to move forward and to be ok but it only gets worse and I'm so frustrated. I know I have to grieve to come out the other side but a reprieve from my body's rejection of me, from life being complicated at every turn and from the constant pain and reminders of Tims loss would do me a lot of good right now.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

What Happened on Oct 4

Many have been confused, and justly so, of what happened as Tim was supposed to be discharged at last word and the next word was that he was gone.

Friday, the 3rd we watched Divergent and went to bed. Tim was uncomfortable and anxious but we thought it was due to some changes in his meds. Around 2AM he had a breathing treatment that he got sick in the middle of. He was given some nausea meds and we went back to sleep. He started throwing up a lot the next morning and was x-rayed. They needed a clearer picture so they decided a CT was needed but Tim couldn't keep the contrast down. They put in a tube through his nose and into his stomach, a very painful procedure for him. Once it was confirmed that it was placed the contrast was placed into his stomach via the NG tube. 

Transport finally came to get him and as he was feeling worse and his toes were numb, vitals were taken and his blood pressure was found to be at 79/29, normal is around 120/80. Transport was canceled and Rapid Response was called. The room quickly flooded with people and I just remember sobbing as I was stuck in a corner behind all of them as they worked to stabilize Tim and he looked at me with so much fear in his eyes.

He was stabilized enough to be moved to the CCU and down there they decided he needed a central line in one of his arteries. His breathing was so hard that they had to ask me if they could insert it in his groin instead. I asked them to do whatever they had to do to save him. They got the central line inserted which is like a mini surgical procedure and stabilized him enough to be taken to CT. At this point I was terrified but certain that he would pull through just like every other time.

When we got the results of the CT a short time later it was the last thing we expected to hear. I don't remember exactly what was said and luckily Steven was in the room with us at that point but the doctor started listing locations where the cancer was and told us the damage was too great and there wasn't anything they could do. The biggest issue being that a tumor was pressing on his small intestine and causing a blockage. This scan was completely different from the scan in August, apparently the breaks in chemo with all of the other issues had just given the cancer the freedom it needed to go crazy with its growth. We had been told two days prior that Tims CEA had dropped 200 points already. I still believe that the trial he was on would've worked had all of these other issues not occurred. 

Tim didn't seem to understand the implication of what the doctor had said and simply stated "ok, let's get this NG tube out and we will figure out the next step from there." I had to explain that the doctor was saying that there were no next steps. It broke my heart to have to tell him that sentence but I thought we'd have a few weeks at least to say our goodbyes and come to terms with everything. 

Tim had Steven and the doctor go out to explain what was happening to our families and bring them all back. I texted Dr. Edenfield's wife to tell her what was going on and ask that they come to the hospital quickly as I had overheard the doctors response to some question the nurse had asked. His response was "it won't be long"

The doctors told Tim he could have anythingn he wanted and their goal was for him to be comfortable. He talked to our families and to Dr. Edenfield and his wife Andrea. We got some time alone together and as I tried to say my good-byes he told me "no" and to stop. He never would let me say goodbye or say goodbye to me. I've been told he was likely trying to spare me pain or that he simply couldn't say goodbye to me but it's one of the biggest things I've struggled with since his death. He slipped into a coma not long after our families stepped out and his nurse moved him over a bit to the side of the bed and told me to climb in with him. Our families came in one by one to continue their good-byes and at some point we were alone again. 

Tim was on medication to increase his blood pressure to keep him alive. He was also struggling with his breathing a lot and seemed very uncomfortable to me. He had a living will and it covered this circumstance indirectly but I had to make the hardest decision of my life when I asked the nurse to turn off the blood pressure medication and give him morphine. I knew it would hasten his death but I also knew it would make him more comfortable and would be what he wanted. It was a straight-forward decision with an answer so obvious that it wasn't even a decision anymore but I still struggle with it every day.

A very short time later I had a gut feeling that I needed to tell our families to get back in the room and quickly. I don't know how much time passed between my text and when he let go but I'll never forget the feeling of his last breath against me. The hoping and praying that I was wrong and that he'd breathe again, that everyone was wrong and he'd come back to life and I wouldn't have to face a life without him in it.

Our families went back out some time later and left me with Tim. I remember a nurse manager asking what funeral home I wanted to use and not having a clue what to say or where to start as a doctor performed his assessment to confirm Tims death. I remember seeing the sheet move as he checked the pulse in Tims feet and having a glimmer of hope that Tims foot had moved. I barely remember signing a form refusing an autopsy bc his body had been put through enough. I remember trying to get enough together to help our parents and Steven get a list of people that had to be called that night. 

I do remember walking onto the elevator knowing I had to walk away from Tim and leave him alone in the hospital for the first time ever. I remember how cold it was outside but that I wanted to feel it bc every other part of me was so numb. I don't remember getting home or falling asleep and the next week is a big gap of nothingness for the most part. I remember the mortuary and having to plan Tims funeral. I remember that I was asked to identify his body at the mortuary and although someone else could do it, I wanted to do everything for him because these were the last things I actually could do and my last connections to him. I remember seeing him lying there, reaching out to touch him and being shocked at how hard and cold his arm was. I remember a day or two later feeling panic that I would never see his face again and that the memories I have are the only ones I get. 

I don't remember much of the funeral or the reception. I barely remember seeing a few faces and I don't remember a lot of that evening after. Ever since, I've just been exhausted and lost.

I miss my best friend, my partner in crime, the one person that knew me inside and out. I feel like a ship gone adrift or I'm floating in the clouds yet I don't feel connected to my body at all. This experience doesn't feel real and I can't believe this is my life. I'm starving yet I can't keep food down so I feel terrible constantly and for the first time in my life the fact that I'm quickly dropping weight concerns me. Up until two nights ago when my doctor prescribed sleeping pills, sleep has escaped me, it's still not good but better than before. I had friends stay with me each night last week and one said I would sit up constantly and just stare at her or straight ahead. I have no memory of doing that.

I'm afraid of answering the phone, crowds and being in public, or just seeing people in general unnerves me for some reason. I know I have to get back out there at some point but right now I can't see how. I am desparately ready to leave town and have had offers to host me from literally around the world but am afraid to be away from my childhood bed at my parents house as it's currently the only place I feel somewhat secure. My uncle is a psychologist and has been helping me start to figure out how to function again. Tomorrow (today) I will start to see a grief counselor. My doctor has been amazing and has made herself available to me for whenever I need her. I wanted to share all of this, not to make you feel sorry for me or bring you down. I have a tremendous support system and am receiving more messages each day than I have the energy to respond to.   I'm very lucky in that sense. Women who are also younger and have lost their husbands have reached out to me to offer support and guidance but ultimately I've found that other than that network and professional help, there isn't anything out there that tells you what really happens in these situations. It shocks me that I'm a widow and I'm only 30. It seems to be a live and learn type thing. Living and learning when you already feel as lost as I do isn't ideal so I thought in Tims spirit of sharing (which was never his favorite, done more to appease me so I didn't have to repeat everything over and over again) that I would share my experiences in case someone else has to endure this hell but isn't as lucky as I to have the endless support, at the very least maybe it will be cathartic for me. The fact that I have no shame is likely to serve me well in this instance, even as I know Tim would be cringing from my oversharing about myself. Bear with me as this isn't likely to be pretty but as Tim told me so many times through his fight, "if it helps one person, it's all worth it."

Monday, October 13, 2014

Tims funeral

Thanks to all who made Tim's service so special yesterday as well as all of those who came from near and far to attend. If you missed it and would like to watch, it's still available here:

Now the really hard parts begin as I and our families have to find what normal is. Please pray for much needed peace and comfort that seem to be in short supply these days. 

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Tim's Service Today

For those of you that are not able to make it into town for Tim's services today, here is a link for the services that will be live starting at 12:30PM EST. Thank you

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Tim Bright's obituary

Hard to believe this is happening.:

Monday, October 6, 2014

Pictures of Tim

We're asking for anyone who has pictures, videos, etc. of Tim Bright to email them to me at as soon as possible as we prepare for his service. Thank you for your continued support, each day is just as difficult as the last but there is a little respite in knowing how much of an impact Tim made upon your lives.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Services for Tim

Last night, a little after 8pm, a large piece of my heart was forever crushed when Tim peacefully took his last breath surrounded by both of our families. It's still incredibly surreal and I'll never forget looking into his beautiful blue eyes that one last time.

As crazy as it sounds and felt at the time, from the first moment I saw Tim coaching on the Furman baseball field, I knew he was the man I was meant to marry. He loved me in a way that could never be matched, he wasn't just my husband and best friend, but an extension of me, of my soul, and filled a void that had always felt empty. 

He taught me the meaning of love throughout our ups and downs, of selflessness by being the strong one and calming and reassuring me in moments that were just as, if not more so, dark and scary for him, of kindness by always putting others before himself when even in these last few weeks he told me that he was more worried about me being left behind than him having to go, and he made me a stronger person. 

Many people have noted just how strong I've been throughout these trials, I'm truly not, it just appears that way when you are following in the shadow of someone as strong as my husband. It's Tim that has given me that strength and to be honest, I'm absolutely lost without him. He faced his disease head on, and never asked why, just said that if what he's going through could save one person then it was all worth it. The world is a much duller place without him. 

He fought valiantly until the very end and was noble and brave in his words and actions. He will always be my hero, my world, my heart.

Services for Tim will be held Saturday October 11, 2014 at 12:30PM at Greenville First Baptist Church, 847 Cleveland St. Greenville, SC. A reception celebrating Tim's life and legacy will follow. 

Tim never understood the point of flowers and because of that refused to ever send me any. For that reason, we are asking that in lieu of flowers you donate to the one organization Tim & I believe in the most, iTOR. We know that someday they will find a cure for this horrendous disease. Memorials can be made to 'GHS Cancer Institute ITOR'  Philanthropy Office, 300 E. McBee Ave,  Suite 503, Greenville, SC 29601

Hard to Swallow

Many have already been spreading the news but we wanted to put out a statement from our families as well:

We are sad to share with everyone that after a fight of 4 1/2 years, Tim lost his courageous battle with cancer tonight.  Throughout this fight, Tim and Jenny have exhibited the type of courage and determination that made our families proud.  They have both touched the lives of so many in positive ways and their positive impact will last a long time.  In return, we have all been blessed to watch how their strength, faith and love for each other buoyed them through this fight.
Thank you for all the prayers and well wishes during this "journey".  We will let everyone know when memorial plans have been made.
Thank you and God bless.
The Clantons & the Brights

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Another Down

This morning has been full of all kinds of tests as last night was a really rough one continuing to Tim getting sick multiple times this morning. He's currently in X-Ray/CT and they are trying to figure out what is going on with his poor body. Please pray for this to be a minor issue he can overcome and for guidance for the doctors to diagnose it quickly.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Two weeks in

Today it was decided that Tim would be discharged tomorrow. We were nervous but excited to head back to Tim's parents and hopefully get back into "real" life. Unfortunately since the procedure something has changed and the pain/anxiety meds that were well balanced are now overly sedating Tim so the plan now is to get his system a chance to clear itself out and start again with titrating his meds. Hopefully that will be done rather quickly and we can be on our merry way. We'd rather put the time in now than to boomerang back in a few days. In other news, after four days we have finally figured out how to use rewind on the hospital TV/DVD player. Long story but a huge advancement for our ability to watch movies here :)

Please pray for Tim's lungs to continue to clear out and improve in their functioning, for the new meds to be titrated quickly and accurately and for this chemo to knock out this cancer and be the miracle drug we've been waiting for.

I'll leave you all with a word of advice from a 5th grader's letter we received today (5th graders give some great and hilarious advice btw): "while you are still on earth pay attention to your friends and family and not your phone." :)

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


Praise the Lord, the surgery was a complete success and really could not have gone any smoother. Savannah Stroud Hightower has been Tim's night nurse many times over the past few weeks and has become a very good friend. We just happened to meet her dad the other night who is an anesthesiologist and ended up helping us with doing Tim Bright's surgery today. Such a reassurance considering how many issues he has had with anesthesia and his breathing after. This is the absolute best shape I've ever seen him after a procedure. The worse side effect is how tired he is.  A permanent stent has been placed and the hope is that this should be the final fix for all of his GI issues. We obviously still have some huge challenges ahead, including getting him back on chemo and getting it ramped back up to full-strength. Please pray that he can start moving forward with this treatment and that it can attack his cancer to get it back under control as well as that he can begin to regain strength to be able to start living a normal life once again.