Tuesday, March 10, 2015

A Conglomeration

This is going to be all over the place, similar to my brain these days. It's been awhile since I've posted but there has been a lot on the schedule and I've been struggling a lot. I keep meaning to get back to blogging as it helps me feel better to get it out but it also helps me document where I've been so I can see if I'm making any progress (the feeling is that I'm stagnant). In that respect I'll likely be writing this over a period of at least a few days as I just don't have the time or energy to do much more.

Monday night (11:30PM):
I've taken my daily anti-anxiety meds and the max dose of my one-off anxiety meds. I'm slightly sleepy but my mind won't shut down for me to go to sleep. Instead I'm starting to respond to WAY overdue Facebook messages (some from as far back as September). My attention span sucks (it always has with my ADHD) so I likely won't get too far on these tonight. At some point I'll just put this down and stare blankly at Good Eats until I fall asleep on the couch. My bed hasn't exactly been comforting for me lately. Reaching over in the middle of the night to a cold bed instead of a warm body will wake you up faster than a bucket of cold water. Maddy stays out here with me every night and luckily I did invest in a nicer couch so my back hasn't been suffering too much. I cry a lot these days, it doesn't take much, if anything to set me off. I'm miserable. Stating that I miss Tim doesn't even begin to describe the feelings I have. I started counseling awhile back but I don't think it was the right time for me just yet. I'm restarting next week with a grief specialist and hoping to get help digging myself out of this quicksand of mourning. I feel like I'm always waiting for Tim to come home, I'm desperate to pick up the phone and have the relief of talking to him but it never happens, obviously. In that I feel as though I'm just waiting. I have amazing friends, friends that have been here for me day and night for the past 5 1/2 months. Those friendships still aren't wavering. This situation has been good in that I'm learned what true friendship looks like.

...So it's been over a week. I keep meaning to do this but there are a lot of things I "mean" to do these days...

Wednesday night (10:50PM):

Once again I've taken my meds but am not yet asleep, something happened last night that changed things, changed me and it's insane but yet I feel so different. I hope it lasts but I have no idea if it will and if it does how long that will be. It's been a really hard few months for me. I've sunk into somewhat of a depression that I don't even seem to have the desire to dig myself out of. I'm struggling to accomplish the simplest tasks for BrightLife or even my house (it got horrendously disgusting for awhile there). Keeping myself and Maddy fed and our hygiene intact is about my limit these days. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I have no issue sleeping all day and going back to sleep the next night. Granted my schedule is still insane but I'm getting more sleep than I have gotten in years. 

I've been busy and will have to recap all of that some other time but my close friends now refer to my house as Fort Knox with all of the security precautions I've added so I feel as safe as ever, to be honest I was no better off with Tim. We once heard noises on our back deck and his exact response to me was "go see what that was". He'd never have an issue sacrificing me for his own safety if an intruder was involved. He kept a long skinny bat called a fungo under our bed versus a metal bat so he wouldn't have to get as close (6"?) to whomever he was hitting. I think I heard more noises at our old house than I have at this one (other than whatever animal lives above my room/the den). I haven't been able to talk my dad into investigating that just yet.

I start counseling again tomorrow, it's overdue. I know I'll never be able to move forward without someone to help me figure out how to do it. I feel as though I'm in a rut and just constantly at odds with the situation I'm in and can't figure out how to come to terms with it much less how to be a functioning human being.

Last night I went to sleep Pretty late with the TV on. It felt as though I was in this weird semi-conscious state and I thought I was just dozing, you know when you're still awake but just lying there with your eyes closed. I do this a lot to try to get myself to fall asleep so it wasn't unusual. I started to realize that I was lying on someone's arm and that person had their other arm up over my head running their fingers through my hair just like Tim used to in order to put me to sleep. I could feel him behind me and somehow knew it was him just from his presence. He said something to me and when I rolled to my back to look at him and ask what he said I ended up being wide awake. It took me a second to realize what was happening but for the first time when realization hit it wasn't upsetting, I felt a sense of peace  and for the first time in almost 6 months I had felt Tim's presence. It's the strangest thing and now I feel like a drug addict just wanting another fix. It was the most realistic dream I've ever had, even the sounds of what was on TV actually sync' up to my dream. I know and understand the science behind it all and can honestly say it was more than that. Maybe it's some part of my sad and overworked brain reaching out but I'll take it, whatever it was. I just want more.

I also went to dinner with a friend who is a pediatric oncologist tonight. She has such a reassuring presence and as she's seen it over and over through her work she just gets it. There have been a few medical questions that have been bothering me about Tims death that I just haven't been sure I want the answers to but then again I need them to be ok. I think I just don't want to hear the "wrong" answer yet I want to person I'm asking to be honest with me no matter what the answer may be. I blurted out one of those questions to my friend tonight and she answered it with exactly what I'd been hoping to hear and even answered a few more with what I've been wanting without even knowing she was doing it.

I knew life was hard but had no idea just how hard it can be until I lost my best friend. He never leaves my mind and saying I miss him doesn't even begin to describe the feelings I have about him being gone. I've been told over and over again that it never gets better, just easier to deal with and I'm hopeful that tomorrow will start to teach me new coping mechanisms for making it easier to deal with.

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