Saturday, June 6, 2015

Another sporadic post

So sorry, I keep meaning to coming back to this but April was a struggle, May was full of travel and I have no idea what happened to June. So here goes nothing with trying to catch up. 


My hairdresser & very close friend flew out to Las Vegas for the day's surrounding my first anniversary without Tim. This also marked our 5th wedding anniversary, it would've meant he made it past the scary point in which they say only 3-4% make it. We always thought if someone had to make it then why not Tim. The week before we left was also the 6th month anniversary of his death. So double whammy. I spent that day with my couch, my dog, my Ativan, crappy food (whatever I can have delivered) & terrible movies. I've finally realized this is the only way I can make it through the day, just make sure that I'm still breathing in & out when the day is over. My birthday is quickly approaching and I've removed that date from Facebook in the hopes I won't be pinged all day with messages along with requesting to my friends and family that we just don't celebrate it this year. Maybe someday I will again but this year I just want to make it through.

While in Vegas we stayed pretty busy between the casinos & the pool but that place is exhausting. Josh got us an amazing deal at the Venetian, unfortunately his husband John had a last minute work trip but we kept him in the loop with late night calls which I'm sure he appreciated...

Oh, I also jumped off of a 90 story tower on April 10 (our 5th anniversary). Here's the video of that, for some reason I can't find the original so I had to tape it off of my phone :
I got back and I believe we had about a week until the BrightLife tournament. So many wonderful people came out and so many made the event a pretty special honorary of Tim, all of this led by Steven. He did an incredible job. My only regret of the day was not getting a picture with him.

Two days after the tournament I became an aunt for the 5th time. Miss Austin is still as tiny as can be and big sister Brynn LOVES her but has renamed her Uh-Oh.


I can't tell you how happy I was to see May. It meant an easier shot at normalcy and healing. I traveled up to visit my cousin in NJ just outside of the city. I had a great week with her and her husband.

I extended my connection in DC to be able to attend my sorority sisters baby shower. It was so fun to see Savy in her element although embarrassingly she kicked my butt on a hike.

I have no clue where the rest of May & June went other than working on the house and having my very first job interview. I really hope it works out as it is a position that ties back to many experiences Tim had over his last few months so this gives me the feeling of a connection to him in a strange way.

I do owe an apology as I completely forgot to post the total: $22,000 from the tournament. We couldn't have done it without the generosity of so many. Thank you so much.

As for me, I finally have an amazing sleeping pill so I'm hoping to become a normal sleeper again. I'm still seeing my therapist which helps but I still have big meltdowns and the next few months will be especially hard first with my birthday and the first time I start to catch up to him in age. I'm so dreading the year I surpass him. It will be so hard. The next being Tim's birthday which also sort of marks the beginning of the end as he was admitted the first time & crashed the first time the next day. Each subsequent day will get even harder as we get closer to the one year anniversary. I already know that day is going to absolutely crush me but the one after will be worse. The first time I can't look back a year and have a memory of Tim in it. I still haven't spread his remains and I know where but thus far I still can't stomach the idea of it all truly being over and him gone. I don't know why that affects me so but there you have it.

Tomorrow I'll meet my family and Tim's in Columbia for an exhibition between the Carolina Alums and the Blowfish. They will be honoring Tim before the game starts and as I told his friend Andi, I don't know if his head much less ego will fit into heaven after tomorrow night. He would be so touched that they wanted to honor his memory and I am so incredibly proud of my amazing husband. I'm a very lucky girl to have been the one that got the title of Tim Bright's wife.

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