Sunday, October 19, 2014

My dog peed on my towel

it's been a really bad few days, last night being the absolute worst. Each day gets harder bc I'm taken further from my life with Tim. I used to feel his presence, no matter if he was in the next room or a few states away. I don't feel that anymore and it's incredibly lonely. 

I'm so mad at Tim and at God right now. I know it's not something he chose but It feels like Tim abandoned me when I needed him most without so much as a compass. I can't find any valid reason why God didn't miraculously heal him and took him instead. I know he's out of pain, I know he's whole again, I know eternity with him is nothing compared to the life I have left without him but none of that provides any comfort whatsoever. I would take him back in any form I could get him right now. I read a quote that stated that moving on from grief is similar to monkey bars. At some point you have to let go to move forward. Problem being that I don't ever want to let go, I don't want a new normal or life before/with Tim and life after. I just want my crappy old life back, as many problems and hurdles as there were. 

Over the years I thought about what life could be like if I ever lost Tim. I had no idea, the imagined pain I felt was incomparable to the real thing. I haven't really slept for two weeks now, nor have I really eaten as I'm so tired of getting sick every single time. I'm hungry, I have a constant headache, my body aches and is weak, I get dizzy doing very little, I have painful sores throughout the inside of my mouth and I'm so indescribably exhausted. 

Maddy hasn't been the same since the night I came home from the hospital without Tim. She gets up and walks away every time I get near her, sleeps or just lays in her bed the majority of the day and most recently peed on the only towel I had in the bathroom/my room while I was in the shower for the first time in more days than I care to admit. I found out as I tried to dry myself with that towel. It wasn't an accident, she hadn't had one in years and actually is notorious for peeing on my parents dog's bed when she's upset with her. Maddy actually peed on my mom in bed one night after I told mom she had to cut out the daily treats she was giving her. Maddy got her revenge on mom the same night mom cut her off. She's mellowed out a little in the past few days but I have no doubt she's grieving the loss of Tim and is confused about where he is. Each time I go to get in the car she tries to hop in with me, if she does make it in she refuses to get out. I've been driving his car the few times I've gone out and each time I pull back in the driveway she comes running up to greet me but quickly loses her exuberance as she realizes it's only me. She and Tim had a very close bond and the big joke around our house was that I was the fifth wheel with the two of them.

My days haven't been much better than Maddy's. I'm trying to slowly renter the world but nothing feels right. Our house still isn't done and now I'm torn about living there, I'm terrified of living alone. I'm anxious about having to go through our things and relive all of our memories. Sometimes I just don't want to have any memories of Tim but I'm terrified of losing a single one.

I often forget that Tim isn't coming back, that this isn't some horrible dream, that he's not on some trip, that I can't call him, can't have a conversation with him, that cuddling up with him is no longer a possibility. Each time the realization of those facts is just as, if not more so, painful as the last. I don't know why I keep thinking that if we could just get in our house everything will be ok and we can go forward. I catch myself speaking of him in present tense, I find myself daydreaming of things we could do, I stumble over every big decision bc I haven't made one by myself in almost 10 years.

I've been told that the grief doesn't get better, but that it gets easier to deal with. I can't imagine a time where it doesn't take my breath away. I can't find the light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes I ask God why he took Tim instead of me.

I search for signs from Tim constantly, in song lyrics, in the sky, everywhere, everyday. I haven't found one yet. I talk to him and God constantly and ask them to send me something but I haven't gotten a response. I've been through more hell in the past five years than many have to experience in a lifetime and I can't conceptualize any just reason. I'm trying really hard to move forward and to be ok but it only gets worse and I'm so frustrated. I know I have to grieve to come out the other side but a reprieve from my body's rejection of me, from life being complicated at every turn and from the constant pain and reminders of Tims loss would do me a lot of good right now.

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