Sunday, October 26, 2014

My meds

Things have been slightly better, I feel guilty saying that as I feel as though I'm letting go of Tim in some way but actually sleeping and keeping food down (even in smaller quantities) has a way of doing that to a person.

I got a shot of phenergan that completely knocked me out for a full night and the majority of the next day. I went to my doctor who prescribed Klonopin to make my brain slow down enough to sleep and Zofran to help with my nausea. I'm now sleeping about 15 hours a night (technically I haven't slept through the night since the first week of August) and am getting small meals down and keeping them down. My mouth still aches from the sores but the magic mouthwash prescribed by my doctor (a combination of lidocaine and malox) keeps it numb enough to allow me to eat, my mouth is improving too, just slowly. I've also started taking Celexa so hopefully that will kick in over the next few weeks and start to help me feel a bit more stable. Typically I wouldn't share all of my medical data but I've been a little embarrassed about how much trouble I've been having with everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm being over dramatic but can't turn it off so I thought others may feel the same.

I went to the mountains with my mom and some family friends this weekend. Tim and I had an amazIng night there a few months ago of just hanging out, drinking some beer and watching pitch perfect in front of the fire but those are our only memories there which was kind of a relief to get a break from being surrounded by all of them 24/7. I feel like I'm drowning in memories of him sometimes, other times I feel like I can't remember enough.ive felt claustrophobic since all of this happened though to the point I want to do something crazy like bungee jumping (I hate heights) but it reflects in my outfit (or lack there of at times) with the baggiest clothes I can find bc everything else feels so restrictive. I also have no shame in wearing pajamas and slippers in public anymore at any time.

I have some really big decisions to make soon although it feels way too early to make any. I'm freaking out about what countertops to get for my kitchen, much less life decisions. The first being if I start nursing school in January. I don't know if I can be back in the hospital or run into things/procedures/etc. that remind me of Tim and all he went through constantly so I could use a little guidance there. My house is also done (a few more weeks still) and I need to figure out how/if I can feel safe there. I think I'm going to travel some between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Tim and I adored this time of year and we've developed quite a few traditions around the holidays. I'm just not sure how many (if any) I can face this year. I'll be in town for Christmas for sure but only because Haley is due and I'm incredibly excited to meet my newest niece. As for everything else, I'm still trying to figure out what I want, what I need and what I can do. They all seem to contradict all of each other. 

Thanks for sticking through all of this with me, I feel like all I do is complain and gripe. I know how lucky I am to be surrounded by friends, family and strangers during this time. I have been receiving and reading every message. I haven't figured out nor had the energy to respond to most yet but I did want you all to know that I do get them, I do see them and each and every one does mean so very much to me. You all are keeping me going, making me get out of bed each day and somehow move forward through the hell. You all have buoyed me with the strength I don't currently have on my own right now. As crazy as I sound, I feel your prayers and know I wouldn't have even made it this far without all of you. Days are long but time moves quickly and I can't believe it's almost been a month since i lost Tim, I keep waiting for life to feel ok again but am realizing that may take an incredibly long time. The fact that you all are still cheering me on and haven't given up on me means so much. I think that's something I'm really afraid of, everyone else moving on while I'm still in this standstill in life.

To my sorority sisters in particular, whichever of you started the campaign of sending me DVDs for the hospital and notes for me, thank you. Hearing from many of you that I haven't heard from/seen since graduation or that we've lost contact over the years has meant the world to me. There are so many stereotypes to sorority girls. Many we ourselves lived up to during our time in Chi Omega at Carolina but you all have been showing the true testament of what a sisterhood is truly about. About a week before he died, Tim told me he was proud of me for coming up with that idea. Thank you for carrying it on for me when I haven't been able to, thank you for carrying me when I haven't been able to.
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