Tuesday, December 9, 2014

On to the next holiday.

I made it through Thanksgiving if only by sheer distraction and exhaustion after not sleeping for the two days proceeding it. My sole focus has been upon getting this house organized (which includes paying bills I've just stuck in random places and am now getting late notices on). I think that focus has kept me calmer than I would be without it. I count the weeks as the anniversaries of losing Tim. One month was also All Saints Day at church, Two months happened to be the weekend after Thanksgiving and now I've discovered that Three months will be the weekend after Christmas. Four months will also be pretty rough as it is the day before the anniversary of Tims diagnosis. I think I finally get a break from all of the collisions of dates and anniversaries come February and will have a break until our 5th wedding anniversary in April when it's also the 6th month anniversary of losing Tim. This kind of horrible cosmic coincidence would only happen to me with my horrible luck. 

Obviously I'm frustrated these days and a bit down in the dumps. My family (parents, sister, grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins) bent over backwards to help make my Thanksgiving a bit more bearable. I went right up to the mountains the day after which was a good distraction. My friend is currently working on getting tims car all fixed up for me. It'll look even better from the front than before Tim was driving it into everything (which I've apparently taken over now).

Our supper club friends held our Christmas dinner and white elephant gift exchange over here last week. I still have no counters, sink or dishwasher so they were sweet enough to bring their own pots and pans for anything that had to be heated up and we kept it classy with paper plates and plastic cups. (Btw that should be a new dinner party trend, makes clean-up a breeze) I also got a very special visit from tims mom and her friend Patti and was able to go eat lunch with them. It was really nice being able to catch up. I ate lunch, attended Spanish class, learned about snowflakes and was the official tag-ee for a large bunch of 4 year olds when I got to go visit with Lillian at school the other day. It was so nice to see her in that different element (so quiet and shy!) and I had the best time playing with her and her class. Pretty sure some of those kids legitimately think my name is "Aunt Jenny" although I have to admit that I miss Lillian's old name for me. For some reason she called me "Uncle Jenny" for years and it stuck until she grew up on me, "Aunt Jenny" seems a bit boring after that. :) I got to peek in on Harlan for a second who took a second to place what I was doing there but was such a sweet cuddler as soon as he figured it out. Nothing like seeing his face light up when it clicked that I was there to see him. I adore those kids & am so grateful to watch them (& their soon-to-be sister) grow up. Tim was ecstatic about becoming an uncle again and actually looking forward to holding a baby this time versus me forcing him to hold the baby long enough for the picture. I think Lillian and Harlan warmed him up and Brynn was his first experience not being afraid with a newborn. Irregardless he loved our nieces and nephew more than anything else in this world (including Maddy & myself). He would've been thrilled to become an uncle again twice in a four month period. 

The DVD library did so well that I purchased another DVD cart for the cancer center and will be making drop-offs at the McCall Hospice House as well as back at the hospital for the pallative care floor. I've heard that many are so excited about this and I can't thank you all enough for all of your generosity. 

I'm slowly but surely writing all of my thank you notes but have injured my wrist (or more technically injured it awhile back and am finally getting it treated) and am stuck in a large gorgeous black splint (with Velcro that catches on everything) for the next few weeks. Depending on how everything goes I may have surgery on it just before Christmas. Between that and Maddy spilling my tea on a big batch today slowly is the operative word.

I miss Tim, every second of every day. Nights are hard and id do just about anything to talk to him again (as in have a conversation). People ask if I feel his presence and mostly I just feel the loss of it still, the hole of what was. I can't seem to fathom that I'm not going to see him again in this lifetime. If feels like a joke or that he's on a trip. I haven't caught myself calling him yet but I woke up and couldn't find him for awhile the other day. It was so confusing then so devastating. 

Stupid little things set me off, someone asking how I'm doing, a quote from Anchorman, a sweet friend doing the dinner prayer, finding all of his gory scary movies. In a way it's frustrating, I can't keep my emotions in check. I either sound/feel like a robot when I talk about him or I lose it, no middle ground. There have been some very awkward experiences at restaurants, on the phone with customer service reps and some poor people that ask the wrong question at the wrong time. Ultimately I've learned of the kindness of most people. There are a few scoundrels in the bunch but the ones that are good more than make up for the others.
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