Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The worst week of the year

This week is an emotional one for me every single year as it has been since we found out Tim had mets the Monday after Thanksgiving 2010 and the typical expectancy was two years. Tim almost made it four. Each year the anxiety of what is to come in the next and remembering how awful it was to find out tims cancer had spread doesn't compare  to this year without him. I've had so many amazing friends helping me unpack/repack Tim's things over the past few weeks. I'm putting his things into storage until I'm in a better place and better able to go through them all. Today though I went on a binge of unpacking boxes as my family is celebrating Thanksgiving here Thursday and I wanted to try to have an area in which they wouldn't be tripping over everything. Of course today would be the day that id find our old photo albums, ticket stubs, wedding momentos, etc. it's so strange to see a lot of this and wonder where Tim wants it before realizing none of it matters to him anymore. It only matters to me.

A week or so ago I had a really bad day where I woke up and couldn't figure out why Tim wasn't in bed. I was so confused thinking he went to get something to drink or to the bathroom And the confusion seemed to last awhile. Then suddenly it all sunk in. I didn't get out of bed that day. 

I said that I'd share the good, bad and ugly so here it goes. Days have been better for the most part but I don't know if that's because I've completely thrown myself into getting my house put together and I'm terrified of what's to come after I finish this project. I have days where It's an accomplishment for me to take Maddy for a walk and get myself something to eat but I also have days (few and far between) that I'm fairly productive. Nights are a different story. My meds knock me out for the most part but it's an unconscious sleep versus good quality sleep. Sometimes I forget to take my meds until the point that I'd be sleeping through dinner if I took them at that point and I have to tough it out. Some days I've exhausted myself so much physically it overpowers my constantly turning mind. Others result in me being awake until 4:30-5am. 

For awhile (& sometimes still now) I prayed for God to take me. I could never hurt myself because it would be such an injustice of me to take my life after Tim fought so hard for his but I now understand how people can get so low that it seems like the right option for them. Instead I've prayed that God will see it as my time and reunite me with Tim. I've told my grief therapist this and many others, I'm told it's a normal part of the process of grieving. I say it because I kept wondering if I was suicidal by wanting it to be my time.

I've also had a lot of crappy stuff happening lately including my first wreck since high school (everyone is fine, tims car will be in the shop for a few weeks), getting locked out of my house, BIG issues getting my title at the DMV (as in two states and the bank I got my loan from all claiming the other holds the title and they can't do anything resulting in five trips to the DMV within three days), having an untraceable gas leak in my house, tims car just shutting off on me later one evening when I was two houses from being home and various other "fun" adventures.

There have been some good things too though. The cards, texts and calls have continued to come which makes me feel so loved in the midst of all of this. There have been over 500 DVDs donated for the hospital, in fact I dropped off the cart about two weeks ago with Tims friend Berkley and got a text from Savannah (tims night nurse over and over and my saving grace many times over) where she'd had a plaque made dedicating the cart in memory of Tim. I'm taking the extras to the Cancer Center for a library for the long days there as well as to McCall Hospice House. Riverside moved the BrightLife banner they created for Fim into the gym for basketball season (he LOVEd girls basketball, esp when my cousin Rebecca or Haley's sister Georgia was playing), my oldest friend, Lauren, had her baby last night and let our friend Hayley and I join their families to meet little Savannah Mae right after she was born. My friend Megan and her husband Ed took me up to see her parents and their day old puppies, Maddy loves to cuddle with me now (she may be using me for my bed but that's ok), 

I have to say the worst is going to bed alone. It doesn't matter who stays over, I don't get my favorite time of the day with him anymore where we just hang out, watch TV, talk and generally made fun of each other. Tim made me laugh a lot in ways that no one else has ever been able to before. I can't remember if I've told this story or not on here so forgive me if I repeat myself but we had many sleepless nights filled with worry and Tim would always try to cheer me up. On three occasions he was the most successful he's ever been. One random night around 3am he made up a game called the Bright Olympics, even invented the rules himself, for himself. I think it was pretty well known although unspoken that I would never take part in this game as I can be incredibly shy (hard to believe once you actually know me). You'll understand why in a minute.  The rules for his game were that he had to strip down, turn on all of the outside lights and id time him to see how fast he could run around the house shoeless and naked. 1. I forgot to start the timer I was laughing so hard when he actually ran out of the front door with nothing on 2. He slipped on the third turn on the mulch and I completely lost it after that so he came in wanting to know how he did and found me utterly useless from laughing. He instituted a shoe only rule after that. The third Olympics he stripped down yet again and ran up and down our road three times which had me in stitches but it was the second Olympics that I'll never get the image out of my head. He decided he was going to do jumping jacks on the front porch (naked of course) and would do 50 but as we now had neighbors across the street he decided to forgo the lights this time. He got out there and probably about 15 in I turned on the porch lights just to taunt him (we teased each other incessantly, to the point that an outsider or someone who didn't get our relationship might think we were being cruel when in actuality it's how we expressed our love to each other) and I thought he'd coming sprinting back in. To my surprise he just grinned and started counting louder. I've never laughed that much in my life.

Here are some pictures from the past few weeks:

My sorority sisters that helped with the first weekend of unpacking (along with many other friends that kept me company, made my beds, etc. that first day)

The locksmiths discovering the gas leak (yes these events happened in short succession)

The stocked DVD cart for 5D and the sweet sign Savannah had made for it.

Tims car after the wreck and it decided to just quit on me.

Day old puppies

My living room

Lauren and Savannah Mae

Proof of Maddy being sweet.

Thanks to all for the messages, calls, etc. I do these posts (most you'll notice are at 3-4am with crazy spelling errors as I'm always to lazy to get up and get my computer) in the attempt to quiet my brain at night so in reality they are similar to the tattoos I got. I do them for me and to remember Tim but I'm glad to hear that some enjoy my rambling on about Tim and I hope this helps to keep his memory alive in everyone. I guess I'm terrified of even one person forgetting who he was.
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