One Month

Today marks a month since Tims death. I'm getting a little better each day. I try not to admit it but in my heart I know I am. I mourn Tim every day, I feel his loss and absence everyday and every day I still have to give myself a pep talk just to get out of bed. It still doesn't feel real, I can still see him talking to me so I can't compute that he's truly gone. 

Each day I have three goals for myself: make the bed, eat more than once, accomplish one project at our house. Some days I get the bare minimum accomplished, others I get a little more. I've broken a door and a shelf by kicking/hammering through them in anger. I put up a fan that has blades not too firmly attached and a light fixture that may or may not be an immediate fire hazard. I'm trying though, as hard as I possibly can and although it doesn't get easier or less painful it makes the days go faster. 

Saturday's are bad, many close to impossible as I'm flooded with memories of that day. I know today may be one of the worst yet but I have a big plan a friend is helping me pull off to help make a dream of Tims become a sort of reality and I hope that's something that will make him smile because every day my goal is to do whatever I can to make him proud of me.

A few Saturdays ago I had what can only be described as a full mental breakdown I've been getting better (although I've also been getting sleep and food) since that point. I almost wonder if that was something I needed in order to move forward although now I'm constantly nervous of it happening again. It came on so suddenly and severely that it scared me and I'm pretty nervous about it. 

Tomorrow is All Saints Day at our church where they will honor all that have passed, including Tim. This will be hard on a multitude of levels for me, my first time back at the church since the funeral, my first time back around a crowd since I've developed this overwhelming fear and claustrophobia and my first time truly facing that Tim is gone in an official forum. There have been phone calls to be made but a lot is currently on hold so I haven't had to face the reality just yet, I don't really know what All Saints Day is about but I imagine hearing his name being read aloud will make this more of a reality than it has been. I dread going but I can't imagine not being there for Tim tomorrow so somehow I'll draw from his strength and just do it. Please pray for us all today, each "anniversary" is hard but this just feels so big, so heavy.