Tuesday, November 4, 2014

The official month anniversary

Although Saturday marked 4 weeks since  Tims death, today was the official month mark. I met with someone from USCU's nursing program today to officially resign. I may change my mind later but for now I know that although I could do the technical requirements, I couldn't do the emotional ones and from experience I can say that patients deserve more than what I can give at this point of my life. The school has been incredibly kind, understanding, patient and generous to me over these last few months. I don't know what my plans are, right now I'm just trying to make it through each day as well as anticipating the upcoming holidays and how hard they will be. I don't think I'll be making any additional major life decisions until after the beginning of the year. Two tattoos and dropping out of school are enough for now.

I've been in the mountains which is healing for me. Tim and I were only able to spend one night up here together. It's one of my favorite memories as we watched pitch perfect, drank more beer than we should and just enjoyed spending time with Maddy and each other. That one good memory is comforting but keeps me from feeling overloaded by the floods of memories that happen elsewhere. The time up here has given me time to think, to reflect and to try to get a little organization back into my life. I haven't even looked at our bank accounts in months (I'm positive they are a mess), I don't know what bills I have paid and who I owe money to anymore, I have quite a few accounts that I have to have placed in my name, I still have to get our money pit finished and move in and I have a boatload of thank you notes to write for all of the generosity bestowed upon me by you all over this last month. 

I'm having more "not horrendous" days than the ones where I can't function. I'm achieving my goals each day (and even did so early today and got back in bed for the afternoon). My life is still very surreal but I'm reading lots of books as I've found they are a good distraction and actually keep my mind focused which is a rare event and I'm trying to focus on making it to the end of each week versus the end of each day now.

I'm terrified of the fact that I'll never be the same, that I don't recognize myself in pictures from "before". I remember the events happening as the picture was taken but I can't evoke any feeling I was having during that time. I feel like an outsider as I remember those events. I hate knowing that the pain will become easier to bear but will never go away. I hate that I not only lost my husband but my hopes and dreams for the future both personal and professional. I'll never know what our children will look like and whose dominate genes ultimately would've been the winner. I'll never get to see Tim as a father, which was one of his biggest dreams, and later as a grandfather. I'll never get to stare into his old grouchy stubborn wrinkly face bc I know that's exactly the type of old man he would've been, the kind that complains about every ache and pain, the weather, etc but secretly loves every bit of being alive.
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