It's Here

I've been dreading this point in time since I lost Tim. Friday was Tim's 33rd birthday and he was the type that drug his birthday out as long as possible, it was obnoxious. I miss it. Saturday was the anniversary of him first crashing, being placed in the hospital and rapid response being called in resulting in he & I spending a very long night in MedSurg ICU with a very intoxicated and angry neighbor (don't drive your moped while intoxicated to a stop sign). Dr. Edenfield saved me the next morning as he came in with a very large cup of coffee for me.

A year ago today Tim was fighting for his life in CVICU and I spent another mostly sleepless night just watching him breathe. Still so grateful for Amy, the night nurse he had in the unit a few times that allowed him (& thereby me) rest as much as possible & sweet Savannah who knew something was wrong during the night before and refused to stop pushing for solutions.

I know the next few months are going to be like this, the good memory days and the bad memory days all leading up to that last day that crushed my soul. Even with the time that has passed and the successes I have made I don't think I will ever recover.

I have "normal" days now but nothing really seems normal to me anymore. I'm learning how to live again from scratch. Apparently part of that includes me now being an adrenaline junkie as I went skydiving last weekend (Happy Birthday Tim!) The guys were more nervous than I, https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=nJ52U2f-HBo

I've also started working in a job I love selling medical equipment, tube feeding, oxygen equipment, tracheotomy supplies, etc. It allows me to help people and be involved in the medical field that I love so much without the personal interactions nursing would bring. I feel like that dream died along with Tim. But I finally feel as though I've found my calling in life, jury is still out as to if I'm any good at it. It's good that my days are beginning to have structure and distraction as I don't know how I would get through these next few months without.

I keep feeling as though my time with Tim was a figment in time, a part of my imagination. Many times it doesn't feel real in that it ever happened. Other times it's hard to convince myself that he just isn't home yet. I am the worst roommate I've ever had & that includes Maddy who pees on anything she can reach when she gets mad at me (which has been a lot lately).

I am doing better, Tim is still in my every thought & I talk about him often but the quiet moments are when I miss him most bc they are the times everything floods me. Thank you to all that have been here for me in so many different ways over these past 10 months. I truly wouldn't have made it this far without my village.

Another sporadic post

So sorry, I keep meaning to coming back to this but April was a struggle, May was full of travel and I have no idea what happened to June. So here goes nothing with trying to catch up. 

APRIL

My hairdresser & very close friend flew out to Las Vegas for the day's surrounding my first anniversary without Tim. This also marked our 5th wedding anniversary, it would've meant he made it past the scary point in which they say only 3-4% make it. We always thought if someone had to make it then why not Tim. The week before we left was also the 6th month anniversary of his death. So double whammy. I spent that day with my couch, my dog, my Ativan, crappy food (whatever I can have delivered) & terrible movies. I've finally realized this is the only way I can make it through the day, just make sure that I'm still breathing in & out when the day is over. My birthday is quickly approaching and I've removed that date from Facebook in the hopes I won't be pinged all day with messages along with requesting to my friends and family that we just don't celebrate it this year. Maybe someday I will again but this year I just want to make it through.

While in Vegas we stayed pretty busy between the casinos & the pool but that place is exhausting. Josh got us an amazing deal at the Venetian, unfortunately his husband John had a last minute work trip but we kept him in the loop with late night calls which I'm sure he appreciated...

Oh, I also jumped off of a 90 story tower on April 10 (our 5th anniversary). Here's the video of that, for some reason I can't find the original so I had to tape it off of my phone :

http://youtu.be/2FypYpJoOWo

 

I got back and I believe we had about a week until the BrightLife tournament. So many wonderful people came out and so many made the event a pretty special honorary of Tim, all of this led by Steven. He did an incredible job. My only regret of the day was not getting a picture with him.

Two days after the tournament I became an aunt for the 5th time. Miss Austin is still as tiny as can be and big sister Brynn LOVES her but has renamed her Uh-Oh.

MAY

I can't tell you how happy I was to see May. It meant an easier shot at normalcy and healing. I traveled up to visit my cousin in NJ just outside of the city. I had a great week with her and her husband.

I extended my connection in DC to be able to attend my sorority sisters baby shower. It was so fun to see Savy in her element although embarrassingly she kicked my butt on a hike.

I have no clue where the rest of May & June went other than working on the house and having my very first job interview. I really hope it works out as it is a position that ties back to many experiences Tim had over his last few months so this gives me the feeling of a connection to him in a strange way.

I do owe an apology as I completely forgot to post the total: $22,000 from the tournament. We couldn't have done it without the generosity of so many. Thank you so much.

As for me, I finally have an amazing sleeping pill so I'm hoping to become a normal sleeper again. I'm still seeing my therapist which helps but I still have big meltdowns and the next few months will be especially hard first with my birthday and the first time I start to catch up to him in age. I'm so dreading the year I surpass him. It will be so hard. The next being Tim's birthday which also sort of marks the beginning of the end as he was admitted the first time & crashed the first time the next day. Each subsequent day will get even harder as we get closer to the one year anniversary. I already know that day is going to absolutely crush me but the one after will be worse. The first time I can't look back a year and have a memory of Tim in it. I still haven't spread his remains and I know where but thus far I still can't stomach the idea of it all truly being over and him gone. I don't know why that affects me so but there you have it.

Tomorrow I'll meet my family and Tim's in Columbia for an exhibition between the Carolina Alums and the Blowfish. They will be honoring Tim before the game starts and as I told his friend Andi, I don't know if his head much less ego will fit into heaven after tomorrow night. He would be so touched that they wanted to honor his memory and I am so incredibly proud of my amazing husband. I'm a very lucky girl to have been the one that got the title of Tim Bright's wife.

Less than a month left

I've gone to my new therapist twice now and I like it. I like her. She's ever so slowly helping me to renter the world as not just an observer but an active participant who wants to be involved. Each week she sets me to a new task and I'm becoming consumed by accomplishing those instead of just being a bump on a log. She's explained why I am so incredibly exhausted no matter how much sleep I get and keeps me from feeling as though I'm a crazy person. I tried to set a goal for myself to go through Tims jeans the other day, as soon as I opened the closet door and could smell him I knew it wasn't happening. I haven't opened that door in months so the way the smell encompassed me was too much to bear. I tried to push through it but I remembered us buying the first pair of jeans I pulled down and I remembered various times he wore them and exactly how they fit him and promptly gave up. Instead I started purging my closet which should keep me occupied for quite some time.

April is going to be a really hard month for me, the 6 month anniversary of Tims death is very quickly approaching on April 4, our anniversary is April 10 and its a big one, 5 years of marriage and 8 years since our first date. Finally the fifth and final BrightLife tournament and dinner is on April 20. It will be a lot of fun but it will also be a really hard day as although all of the funds that will be raised will be going to iTOR once again, Steven and I are focusing the day on Tim and his memory as without his want and desire to make a change and bring awareness to iTOR none of the previous day's would've ever happened.  I think his email below sums it up better than I can and I hope many of you and yours will be able to join us that day or that evening to celebrate the life of Tim.

Dear Friends,

 

Five years ago the first Brightlife “Tee it up for Tim” Golf Tournament was held.  It was put together by friends of my brother in order to make sure that he had funds available for travel or medications associated with his horrible disease.  Tim was blown away by the overwhelming response and money raised, therefore the next three Brightlife tournaments were “Tee it up for Cancer” in order to also help others who are battling cancer.   Up until Tim’s last breath, he always put other people and their needs ahead of his own.  On April 20 we will be holding the final Brightlife golf tournament, and we are going back to the original slogan, “Tee it up for Tim.”  All of the money raised will be going to ITOR, but the focus of this tournament will be a celebration of Tim’s life.    I hope to see all of you this year as we “Tee it for Tim” and honor him by enjoying a great day of golf, followed by dinner and a silent auction.  Tim enjoyed this day and looked forward to seeing everyone at the tournament and/or dinner every year.   We have cut down the number of teams in this year’s tournament, so if you have interest in playing I encourage you to sign up using the link below.   

https://brightlife.ticketbud.com/2015-tee-it-up-for-tim-0c1ebe8fd982

Once again I want to say thank you for your support in the past.  This tournament meant a great deal to Tim.  The final “Tee it up for Tim” event will be held on April 20 at Thornblade Club.  It will be a 1:00 shotgun start, followed by dinner beginning at 6.   Below you will see a link to the registration page for golf and dinner.  I look forward to seeing all of you.   Below is a picture of our group at the first Brightlife “Tee it up for Tim” event.  I challenge a group to top these shirts!!!

 

A Conglomeration

This is going to be all over the place, similar to my brain these days. It's been awhile since I've posted but there has been a lot on the schedule and I've been struggling a lot. I keep meaning to get back to blogging as it helps me feel better to get it out but it also helps me document where I've been so I can see if I'm making any progress (the feeling is that I'm stagnant). In that respect I'll likely be writing this over a period of at least a few days as I just don't have the time or energy to do much more.

Monday night (11:30PM):
I've taken my daily anti-anxiety meds and the max dose of my one-off anxiety meds. I'm slightly sleepy but my mind won't shut down for me to go to sleep. Instead I'm starting to respond to WAY overdue Facebook messages (some from as far back as September). My attention span sucks (it always has with my ADHD) so I likely won't get too far on these tonight. At some point I'll just put this down and stare blankly at Good Eats until I fall asleep on the couch. My bed hasn't exactly been comforting for me lately. Reaching over in the middle of the night to a cold bed instead of a warm body will wake you up faster than a bucket of cold water. Maddy stays out here with me every night and luckily I did invest in a nicer couch so my back hasn't been suffering too much. I cry a lot these days, it doesn't take much, if anything to set me off. I'm miserable. Stating that I miss Tim doesn't even begin to describe the feelings I have. I started counseling awhile back but I don't think it was the right time for me just yet. I'm restarting next week with a grief specialist and hoping to get help digging myself out of this quicksand of mourning. I feel like I'm always waiting for Tim to come home, I'm desperate to pick up the phone and have the relief of talking to him but it never happens, obviously. In that I feel as though I'm just waiting. I have amazing friends, friends that have been here for me day and night for the past 5 1/2 months. Those friendships still aren't wavering. This situation has been good in that I'm learned what true friendship looks like.

...So it's been over a week. I keep meaning to do this but there are a lot of things I "mean" to do these days...

Wednesday night (10:50PM):

Once again I've taken my meds but am not yet asleep, something happened last night that changed things, changed me and it's insane but yet I feel so different. I hope it lasts but I have no idea if it will and if it does how long that will be. It's been a really hard few months for me. I've sunk into somewhat of a depression that I don't even seem to have the desire to dig myself out of. I'm struggling to accomplish the simplest tasks for BrightLife or even my house (it got horrendously disgusting for awhile there). Keeping myself and Maddy fed and our hygiene intact is about my limit these days. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I have no issue sleeping all day and going back to sleep the next night. Granted my schedule is still insane but I'm getting more sleep than I have gotten in years. 

I've been busy and will have to recap all of that some other time but my close friends now refer to my house as Fort Knox with all of the security precautions I've added so I feel as safe as ever, to be honest I was no better off with Tim. We once heard noises on our back deck and his exact response to me was "go see what that was". He'd never have an issue sacrificing me for his own safety if an intruder was involved. He kept a long skinny bat called a fungo under our bed versus a metal bat so he wouldn't have to get as close (6"?) to whomever he was hitting. I think I heard more noises at our old house than I have at this one (other than whatever animal lives above my room/the den). I haven't been able to talk my dad into investigating that just yet.

I start counseling again tomorrow, it's overdue. I know I'll never be able to move forward without someone to help me figure out how to do it. I feel as though I'm in a rut and just constantly at odds with the situation I'm in and can't figure out how to come to terms with it much less how to be a functioning human being.

Last night I went to sleep Pretty late with the TV on. It felt as though I was in this weird semi-conscious state and I thought I was just dozing, you know when you're still awake but just lying there with your eyes closed. I do this a lot to try to get myself to fall asleep so it wasn't unusual. I started to realize that I was lying on someone's arm and that person had their other arm up over my head running their fingers through my hair just like Tim used to in order to put me to sleep. I could feel him behind me and somehow knew it was him just from his presence. He said something to me and when I rolled to my back to look at him and ask what he said I ended up being wide awake. It took me a second to realize what was happening but for the first time when realization hit it wasn't upsetting, I felt a sense of peace  and for the first time in almost 6 months I had felt Tim's presence. It's the strangest thing and now I feel like a drug addict just wanting another fix. It was the most realistic dream I've ever had, even the sounds of what was on TV actually sync' up to my dream. I know and understand the science behind it all and can honestly say it was more than that. Maybe it's some part of my sad and overworked brain reaching out but I'll take it, whatever it was. I just want more.

I also went to dinner with a friend who is a pediatric oncologist tonight. She has such a reassuring presence and as she's seen it over and over through her work she just gets it. There have been a few medical questions that have been bothering me about Tims death that I just haven't been sure I want the answers to but then again I need them to be ok. I think I just don't want to hear the "wrong" answer yet I want to person I'm asking to be honest with me no matter what the answer may be. I blurted out one of those questions to my friend tonight and she answered it with exactly what I'd been hoping to hear and even answered a few more with what I've been wanting without even knowing she was doing it.

I knew life was hard but had no idea just how hard it can be until I lost my best friend. He never leaves my mind and saying I miss him doesn't even begin to describe the feelings I have about him being gone. I've been told over and over again that it never gets better, just easier to deal with and I'm hopeful that tomorrow will start to teach me new coping mechanisms for making it easier to deal with.

Already failing at my new goals

So about that whole getting physically healthy thing...I have had a great start, a friend introduced me to Hot Yoga and I've found that not only do I love it but I'm not terrible at it like I am with every single other sport I try. (Also I'm not exaggerating, my high school friends still taunt me over my "fast break" that led to 2 points for the other team...the one time I didn't miss the darn basket & Tim was terrified that we'd have all sons with my lack of physical abilities, it would've been his worst nightmare as a parent). I went four times the first week and only once this past week (i might've decided one night that I'd rather have Thai food delivered). I'm headed back in this coming week though, I love the way it makes my body feel (exhausted and sore). It's great as it completely drains my body and occupies my mind while I'm in there so I finally get a break. Otherwise my mind is still going nuts, the memories flood me constantly throughout the day. Sometimes they are sweet, sometimes they are more disturbing.

I have been eating like crap as well. I killed a pint of Ben & Jerry's (& yes I was on a couch watching a movie eating out of the carton. As cliche as it gets). The good news is typically I just eat around the ice cream to get the cookie dough chunks and toss the rest so perhaps the whole pint doesn't count? I also had McDonalds today. It was terrible and reaffirmed why I don't eat that anymore. 

I came up to my parents house in Clyde NC for some respite away from the insanity. I haven't slept well for the last few weeks (back into my staying up all night routine and waking up early so I never get a large chunk of sleep). My medical insurance is still messed up until the beginning of February so I'm hoping to get started on a new plan then. Until then I've been sticking to my nightly rituals of bubble baths, sleepy time tea, my meds and prepping for bed before trying to lose myself in a book or trash TV show until I finally fall asleep. 

Emotionally I'm back and forth. Most nights I cry myself to sleep, some nights I wake up crying multiple times through the night. I have really weird but realistic dreams (if I say something to you that doesn't make sense clarify that with me as the dreams are so realistic I'm getting mixed up at times with what is really going on vs. it literally being a crazy figment of my imagination. Pair that with my current lack of memory and life is slightly confusing). Maddy also has been waking me up by barking aggressively in the middle of the night. I think there might be a squirrel living in my attic and hoping that's what has her riled up but my poor heart is getting a workout with those wake up calls. The lack of sleep had made me more grouchier than usual but I'm really trying to keep perspective. Sometimes there just isn't enough coffee.

I'm trying to become more forgiving and understanding to everyone I meet and keep in mind that I have no idea what they walk into when they go home just as they don't know the amount of loneliness and grief I walk around with.

It's becoming more real which I why I think I'm starting to get upset more. I try to talk about Tim a lot but I've been getting choked up when I try lately. Throughout my days I see things or talk to people and my first reaction is still, I can't wait to tell Tim. Or that I know something will make him laugh, mad, etc. or I just need his advice. I went to go buy new tennis shoes the other day (want to see if my knees will let me run again). I realized that I haven't picked out my own pair of sneakers since college. Tim has picked out every other pair since and I had no idea where to start. I just wandered down rows and stared for like an hour and finally just left frustrated. The reality that I never get to see him, feel him hug me when I need a pick me up, run ideas by him for his advice, etc. is all sinking in. Being alone is beginning to sink in. I'm adjusting to the living alone thing but Tim and I always talked a lot after dinner and when we laid down in bed. It's where we hashed out our hopes, dreams, fears and got/gave advice, backed each other up, fought over ideals. I miss that time with him. I miss not having him when I feel so down to give me one of his tight hugs and make some dumb remark to make me laugh. Maddy likely thinks I'm an idiot as I try to use her as my sounding board. Too bad she just groans and turns her head as she lies back down.

None of this has been easy but the past two weeks have brought in a different kind of hard. It's difficult to explain as rationally I know he's gone and not coming back but my body/mind keeps thinking that it's been enough and I'm ready for him to come back now. The realization that isn't happening hurts the most. I'm not ready and am struggling to accept that at least for now I'm not going to get the privilege of seeing him. That sucks.

I'm trying to stay focused on things I can look forward to. Three friends and I are headed to Universal Orlando for a fun long weekend riding rides and we're all currently studying up on our Harry Potter movies. I quickly learned that the movies are not in fact children's movies (or I'm a big wimp) and should be watched during daylight hours only. Thanks to Jay Motley's obsession with Harry Potter he's loaned me his library so now  I'm also reading the books (much less disturbing than the movies). There is discussion of matching colored t-shirts for each day (my friend Kim Browns family gave that idea). There has also been discussion of using fanny packs. We're hoping to bring them back from '95 to '15. They really are very functional waist purses (even if mine does say Myrtle Beach in a strong 1980s typograph)

There are two girls nights being scheduled by two sets of my amazing friends, all around Valentine's Day. Couldn't imagine being without some of the ones I love most that weekend. I think I had finally convinced Tim that he had to send me flowers this year (there is a first time for everything) so these "dates" will be the perfect replacement

Two other of my friends are helping me to plan a trip for Tim & i's fifth anniversary in April. I don't know that I completely care what we do but I do know I need it to be different and big enough to distract from it also being right at the sixth month anniversary of losing him. We're hoping to get some solid plans laid out in the next week or two. 

I've also been back working part time for my friend Jemny Kramer and her company Fickle. The first day was really hard as I was basically exactly where I was the day I got the call telling me to get to the Cancer center right away and all of the madness started. The work has been a good thing to be able to focus upon, a great distraction. 

I've also been hard at work at my house with finishing the screen porch, making my own builtins for my den. Finally getting my couch delivered. Getting artwork hung and trying to figure out where all of my junk goes. Hopefully my blinds should be up this week so I can stop using blankets to block the windows

I keep getting classier it seems. Minus a rug here or there and some artwork for some blank walls I think my house (inside anyway) is pretty much done. 

With that being the case I'm starting to look into what it would take to become a medical equipment sales representative. If anyone has advice on how to get started I'm more than willing to listen!

Now for the biggest news, steven and I met last week to discuss moving forward with one final BrightLife tournament.  We don't have any details yet on dates, prices, location, etc. but if anyone has items they'd like to donate for the auction, wants to help with gathering items and hole sponsor donations or has any ideas or suggestions as to what we could do to make this final tournament the best and most successful yet please let me know. Tim and I had discussed whether or not we should do a tournament this year and had been leaning toward no until he decided that he really wanted to do it again and got so excited about it. I hope we can translate a little of his excitement for this to you all as we start to get it figured out. As we get more information we will be sure to pass it along. This year all funds earned will do kind of a double duty. After everyone was so generous with the gifts to iTOR after we lost Tim the idea was brought up of naming the iTOR conference room after him. It's actually the last place he was with his advancement council meeting as they planned their great work for 2015. So all money raised from this years tournament goes to that. These funds will also be going to any specific projects designated. In years past Tim and I have spoken to Dr. Edenfield and asked that he put the funds where he sees the most research need. One year it covered the collection and analysis of solid tumors for patients at GHS for an entire year. This meant that for a year every GHS solid tumor patient got that analysis for free (early trials/non-standard protocol typically aren't covered by insurance). I plan to do the same for this year, find out what the most urgent need is and put the funding toward that in the hopes it will be the difference needed for someone else to get their cure. 

So basically I'm staying busy and trying to get myself reaclimated to the "real world" but doing so with baby steps and the understanding that it may be too much and have to step back before going forward again. Life overwhelms me .

Moving into a new year

2015 will be the first year I haven't spent with Tim since I met him. There are going to be a lot of low-points, the anniversary of his diagnosis, what would've been our 5th wedding anniversary, my birthday, his birthday, etc. it's also really sad for me as this takes me a further step from the life I shared with him. My kitchen is finally done but I can't seem to bring myself to cook in it just yet. Sadly it's due to the mess that will be created and that I will have to clean it up on my own instead of relying using Tim to do it. I've been using loose trash bags on the porch thus far as it's easier with the unpacking but truth be told, I'm also avoiding truly having to take out the trash and this cuts out a few steps. I tried to be productive before Christmas Eve by puttingn a load of laundry in. I remembered it was there this morning...I think I finally fixed it after washing it three more times but I may smell a little musty the next time you see me. My apologies in advance... Tim handled all of this stuff for us. Along with the ability to fold a fitted sheet flat. The man had a lot of issues but some incredible talents. He's still saving people today based upon a text I got from a close friend of mine today which made me start crying in the middle of the meat section at Whole Foods (fYI: the butchers have no idea what to do when someone cries in front of the meat case- it seemed to terrify them). The text stated "I was also going to tell you. I had a colonoscopy 2 weeks ago. I was having bleeding when I went to the bathroom. I feel like bc of Tim I was aware of what could be going on so I immediately went to the dr. They found a polyp that was pre cancerous and removed it. If I had not gone to the dr it would have turned into cancer. I know Tim's mission was to bring awareness to the disease and to save someone's else's life. I thought by telling you, you might find a little bit of encouragement in what all y'all went through. Tim brought awareness to me and no telling how long I would have waited to go to the dr if I had not known about colon cancer."

I miss him constantly and think about him every second of every day. I never know if it makes people more uncomfortable or happy to talk about Tim so in public I don't a lot. I also don't know when I can keep it together and I have always been a very private crier. Tim made fun of people on TV for having what he called an "ugly cry face" so I get incredibly self-conscious in case there is a Tim around that might make fun of me. It's been a whirlwind for awhile. The contractors are still working on my house but hopefully approaching the end. I'm ready for peace and quiet around here (& I'm tired of the costs...) but  the house is becoming more comfortable, safer and slowly becoming home. 

I got the flu the week before Christmas, it came over me within an hour or so from feeling fine to being really sick. I'm almost past all of it now. Haven't been contagious since before Christmas but still recouperating from all of it. I also had hand surgery last week for tendinitis embarrassingly enough it came from endless hours of playing Candy Crush during sleepless nights, in countless waiting rooms, etc. this quick surgery should fix everything right up for me.  

Unfortunately I was a TERRIBLE patient. I'm really anxious about anesthesia now that I know just how badly it can get. Granted the issues Tim had were related to the tumors in his lungs but it's still rocked me to my core. I was told to take a Klonopin before I came in and as soon as they gave me an IV they gave me Verced which should've calmed me down and kept me from caring as the goal was not to put me all the way under. Needless to say. The Verced never worked and I chatted them up all the way back to the OR. I also made sure they know that if I crashed I did not want to be recessitated multiple times as they reminded me that this was supposed to be a quick 10 min procedure that shouldn't even involve general anesthesia so the likelihood of me crashing was pretty slim. I'm pretty sure I remember asking what meds they would be giving me next at some point before I woke up and realized I was sobbing and completely disoriented. With my robust medical knowledge and terror of anesthesia, the nurses had asked about my background so I went to sleep talking about Tim. As I woke up it ended up being me sobbing about Tim and Tellig the whole story to the 5 or so nurses around my bed that I had made cry. This is all according to my friend Hayley that took me. Apparently they came to get her pretty quickly stating that they usually waited until the patient came to more but thought she may be able to calm me down. At some point in my dilerium I remember seeing/hearing someone pull a curtain to the side who stated they had followed everything and had been praying for me. It meant a lot. I pulled it together enough to request a grilled cheese with a side of honey mustard and a plate of half and half. I demolished it, so much for a light meal after surgery. My newest niece Stella was also born and I found out I'll be having yet another niece, Austin, come April. Soon I'll have four little nieces and a nephew running around that I can spoil.

All of that & its subsequent recovery led me right into Christmas which was nice as I had no time to anticipate it, get nervous and worked up. I slept most of Christmas Eve then it was very low-key. Christmas morning was mainly watching my niece go nuts of her toys and planning the inevitable trip to the ER for my dad who just got a bow and arrow, luckily he lost his arrow on his fourth shot.  My cousins decided we'd do a white elephant exchange instead of our traditional Christmas gifting and it was a lot of fun. I got to round out the day at Tom & Rickia's house with Steven, Haley & the kids, Tims Aunt Karen and Tom's parents. It was really hard bc I kept feeling like he should be there and almost kept looking for him but being with his family is the best gift I can get as I see little bits of him in their mannerisms, the things they say, etc. 

Every single day is hard. Things hit you from out of nowhere and knock you off of this very precarious place you've managed to balance yourself. I don't feel like I'm living anymore. I feel like I survive from day to day. No matter how ugly the previous day was, if I make it to the next I survived and that's enough.

Unfortunately I've gotten to the point where that just isn't enough anymore for me. I'm tired of not being able to fall asleep until 3 or 4 every night then waking up at 1 or 2 in the afternoon. It prevents me from getting back into a normal life, a normal routine. A good friend recently told me after I mentioned I wouldn't mind his life of travel and adventure that all you have to do is stay up late and wake up early. I've got the staying up part down pat. Now I just have to figure out how to drag myself out of bed in the morning. My goals for the new year are seemingly simple but pretty complex in actuality, they all bear down to making myself a better, happier, healthier person and I'm putting them out there so I can be held accountable as I'm going to try really hard to slip I'm sure:

1. Get physically healthy - I've focused the last five years on tims life, his health and his needs. I don't even know who I am or what I want anymore. I do know that this girl has no qualms about killing a brownie for breakfast & multiple other times during the day. I eat my feelings and unless those feelings start becoming kale chips, sprouts and tofu this is not going to turn out well. So I've decided I'm going to put the ban on myself that I kept on Tim to keep him as healthy as possible. Goodbye red meat, white anything, processed anything, fried anything and sugar containing substances. I'm going to miss them but know I'll feel better when I get back into our old routines...right after I stop by  Golden Chick one last time that is...

2 get emotionally healthy - I'm on too many drugs to balance my mood. I want to start addressing the elephant in the room and start working my way off the meds. It will be a long process but I know it will be the healthiest way to go overall. I'll be going back into therapy, work on getting my meds adjusted for the short term with a long term plan, head back to acupuncture as nothing calms me like that and I'm going to start trying yoga to feel like I can regain control of my body and my life.

3. Get spiritually healthy - this is the hardest. Do I still love God and believe in God? Yes. But I'm so confused, so lost as to why this happened as I can't seem to find any justifiable reason for it. Why Tims story wouldn't have spread just as far and well if he was that .009% that's cured from such an advanced stage Cancer. Someone has to be the first, why not him? I'm pissed at God right now for essentially crushing me so completely. Ministers at our church have been reaching out and there is one I'm getting together with soon to discuss all of this.

4 get financially healthy - I'm well taken care of currently but I know I need to start trying to find a job. I also know that I wouldn't hire myself right now as I have too many issues with the sleeping stuff to be a good employee. I still also don't know what I want to do. I have almost 10 years experience in marketing but to be honest, my heart wasn't fully invested so I was only decent at it. I reapplied to nursing school for the fall but not sure I'll do it. I think I could do all of the procedures but I couldn't be the nurse the patients and their families not only need, but deserve. I am considering the idea of being a medical equipment sales rep but have a lot more research to do and to see if I could even get into the market. By the end of the year id like to have a job I love to do and look forward to going into work every day.

My hope is that by achieving these things I can start to pick myself up and move forward. I hate that it pulls me further from mylife with Tim but am also realizing that time is doing thatwhether I participate or not. Wheni meet with him again I want to be able to tell him about everything I accomplished every after he was gone. I can't wait to see that sweet grin again. This is also the year of family and friends for me. I'm learning how to ask for help and stop sticking myself into an island. I know I need down/alone time every so often but I do adore all of the time I've had with so many sweet friends recently.

Hope you all have a happy new year. May 2015 be a year of positive growth for all of us.

On to the next holiday.

I made it through Thanksgiving if only by sheer distraction and exhaustion after not sleeping for the two days proceeding it. My sole focus has been upon getting this house organized (which includes paying bills I've just stuck in random places and am now getting late notices on). I think that focus has kept me calmer than I would be without it. I count the weeks as the anniversaries of losing Tim. One month was also All Saints Day at church, Two months happened to be the weekend after Thanksgiving and now I've discovered that Three months will be the weekend after Christmas. Four months will also be pretty rough as it is the day before the anniversary of Tims diagnosis. I think I finally get a break from all of the collisions of dates and anniversaries come February and will have a break until our 5th wedding anniversary in April when it's also the 6th month anniversary of losing Tim. This kind of horrible cosmic coincidence would only happen to me with my horrible luck. 

Obviously I'm frustrated these days and a bit down in the dumps. My family (parents, sister, grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins) bent over backwards to help make my Thanksgiving a bit more bearable. I went right up to the mountains the day after which was a good distraction. My friend is currently working on getting tims car all fixed up for me. It'll look even better from the front than before Tim was driving it into everything (which I've apparently taken over now).

Our supper club friends held our Christmas dinner and white elephant gift exchange over here last week. I still have no counters, sink or dishwasher so they were sweet enough to bring their own pots and pans for anything that had to be heated up and we kept it classy with paper plates and plastic cups. (Btw that should be a new dinner party trend, makes clean-up a breeze) I also got a very special visit from tims mom and her friend Patti and was able to go eat lunch with them. It was really nice being able to catch up. I ate lunch, attended Spanish class, learned about snowflakes and was the official tag-ee for a large bunch of 4 year olds when I got to go visit with Lillian at school the other day. It was so nice to see her in that different element (so quiet and shy!) and I had the best time playing with her and her class. Pretty sure some of those kids legitimately think my name is "Aunt Jenny" although I have to admit that I miss Lillian's old name for me. For some reason she called me "Uncle Jenny" for years and it stuck until she grew up on me, "Aunt Jenny" seems a bit boring after that. :) I got to peek in on Harlan for a second who took a second to place what I was doing there but was such a sweet cuddler as soon as he figured it out. Nothing like seeing his face light up when it clicked that I was there to see him. I adore those kids & am so grateful to watch them (& their soon-to-be sister) grow up. Tim was ecstatic about becoming an uncle again and actually looking forward to holding a baby this time versus me forcing him to hold the baby long enough for the picture. I think Lillian and Harlan warmed him up and Brynn was his first experience not being afraid with a newborn. Irregardless he loved our nieces and nephew more than anything else in this world (including Maddy & myself). He would've been thrilled to become an uncle again twice in a four month period. 

The DVD library did so well that I purchased another DVD cart for the cancer center and will be making drop-offs at the McCall Hospice House as well as back at the hospital for the pallative care floor. I've heard that many are so excited about this and I can't thank you all enough for all of your generosity. 

I'm slowly but surely writing all of my thank you notes but have injured my wrist (or more technically injured it awhile back and am finally getting it treated) and am stuck in a large gorgeous black splint (with Velcro that catches on everything) for the next few weeks. Depending on how everything goes I may have surgery on it just before Christmas. Between that and Maddy spilling my tea on a big batch today slowly is the operative word.

I miss Tim, every second of every day. Nights are hard and id do just about anything to talk to him again (as in have a conversation). People ask if I feel his presence and mostly I just feel the loss of it still, the hole of what was. I can't seem to fathom that I'm not going to see him again in this lifetime. If feels like a joke or that he's on a trip. I haven't caught myself calling him yet but I woke up and couldn't find him for awhile the other day. It was so confusing then so devastating. 

Stupid little things set me off, someone asking how I'm doing, a quote from Anchorman, a sweet friend doing the dinner prayer, finding all of his gory scary movies. In a way it's frustrating, I can't keep my emotions in check. I either sound/feel like a robot when I talk about him or I lose it, no middle ground. There have been some very awkward experiences at restaurants, on the phone with customer service reps and some poor people that ask the wrong question at the wrong time. Ultimately I've learned of the kindness of most people. There are a few scoundrels in the bunch but the ones that are good more than make up for the others.