Cancer Survivors Park Alliance Article

I got a message a few weeks back asking if I would be interested in being featured in the 52 week series in the Greenville News called the Sunday Survivor Series. I'd seen a few examples via the Chop Cancer event my sister and I attended with the Edenfields last fall and agreed right away. I do not like having my picture taken but Mark Kirby made it easy (i.e. kept me distracted) and kept me laughing with his stories or just talking in depth about his loss of his mom to cancer and my loss of Tim. The afternoon flew by and shortly after I got to reconnect to my old friend Emily, who also lost her mom to cancer unfortunately. From Mark & I's afternoon session and Emily & I's discussion the two of them created this piece about my experience of becoming a "cancer survivor."

The article may be read in it's entirety here: http://www.cancersurvivorspark.org/survivor-series.php

My Breaking Point

Last year between the shock, the medication I took just to make it through each day and the general upheaval of my life I can only remember bits and pieces, like a record that just keeps skipping I have huge blank spots in my memory. It's disturbing and although I understand it's been my mind's way of protecting me it kind of scares me a bit. I think the first fluid memories I have are from the beginning of February of last year. 

Because of that even though 2015 was my second holiday season without Tim it really felt like my first. I've learned over the past year that the best approach for me is to just treat "special" days as just another day and live through it. Maybe someday I'll want to celebrate events and holidays again but I considered putting up a tree this year as a success (even though I spent hours trying to get the center section to light up only to find I hadn't plugged it in as I pulled it down). Being surrounded by family and especially the kids makes it better but although the only place I want to be at the end of those days is at home and in my own bed it's incredibly lonely. 

January has been a really busy month, I'm finally starting to somewhat get my feet under me at work (although I still feel completely unsure most days) and I've had a packed schedule. Through work I'm meeting all kinds of amazing people who likely have no idea of what a blessing they are in my life. I feel really lucky to have the opportunity to work and interact with so many kind people. I've also finally gotten a little bit of my OCD back and am getting better organized which helps me to focus more.

I also decided that this year I was going to work on all of the little nagging things here at the house that need to be done but I've put off for one reason or another. So far I'm making pretty good headway and have only slightly electrocuted myself twice. I'm kidding, kind of.

I dont know if it's the continued therapy I go to on a weekly basis, the new focus I'm forcing upon myself this year or a combination of those along with time but midway through this month I've felt slightly less of the sensation of constantly being in a fog. 

That small slice of clarity brought me to a pretty sobering realization. Although I've done fun things that I've enjoyed this past year and been with people I care deeply about I haven't felt happy or joy since prior to losing Tim. I was placed on an anti-depressant during the middle of last year to combat the constant anxiety I was having along with the PTSD I was diagnosed with. It's hard to comprehend looking back but although I guess somewhere deep inside I knew he was dying and it's clear to me now in hindsight but until we were told there was nothing else that could be done I was sure he would get better. An hour after we got the news he was in a coma and an hour past that he was gone. I was basically in shock for so long that when reality finally started to hit me it was more than I could handle. The medicines have helped tremendously along with my amazing therapist but the physical effects of the last year have finally piled up to the point I can no longer ignore them.

I've been doing the bare minimum to care for myself for awhile but towards the end of last year I decided to start cleaning up my act (I.e. no more brownies for breakfast...). I started watching my calorie intake, being more active and working out a little. All the things I've done before to lose weight and become healthier. This time it did the opposite, I gained weight even while eating pretty clean. To the tune of an additional 50lbs since July. My doctor did bloodwork and everything was great except my cholesterol which jumped way up. He instructed me to become really restrictive with my caloric intake and see what happens so I started that at the beginning of January along with continuing to be even more active. At this point my body should be dropping the weight fairly quickly but is not wanting to play along so I believe the next step will be some additional testing to see what's going on. I've been warned already that all of this could be the result of the extremes my body was put through over the past year and a half and the "cure" may just be time as it finds its way back to some sort of balance. In the meantime I've had a range of lovely issues from my friend insomnia who has decided it wants to pop up every now and again to being absolutely dead tired by late afternoon no matter how much sleep I've gotten. I won't bog this down with the whole list of my ailments but let's just say that my list may beat that of my 87yo Grandma.

All of this has finally pushed me over the edge. I'm tired of feeling like crap all of the time, tired of my body's rebellion and have come to the realization that as boring & tough to stick to at times as the strict diet I kept myself and Tim on was the best I felt. It was the most stress either of had ever dealt with between a mortgage, around $20-25,000 of medical bills yearly, being at the beginning of both of our careers and Tim having limited abilities to work while still trying to enjoy being "normal" with our friends but yet both of us were rarely sick (even with LOTS of chemo for him) and we weren't exactly by the book on protecting ourselves from contact with sick people. 

With that I booked myself back to acupuncture, she got me off of my anxiety medication before and I have no doubt she can't help me again. I've been seeing a physical therapist to finally get my wrist back in order after the surgery on it last year (let's just say I used playing Candy Crush as a way to calm my mind in the hospital and I overplayed it to the point I injured my wrist, it has since been deleted), he thinks I'm about 5 weeks away from be cleared and back to normal. My friend Liz dragged me to a workout class tonight with promises of Biofreeze after (it's like a suped up IcyHot). The class was great, the instructor incredibly kind but the hollow Biofreeze promise was ditched by some excuse to pick up her kid (who has won all the brownie points by telling his Grandma that his "mom & Mrs. Jenny were going to the bar" vs. Barre gym). ;) I'm going to continue the exercising I've been doing but going to add in that as well moving forward. Next steps are to start addressing and determining what's happening with my body to find out if we're moving in the right direction to help it find its balance or the wrong, to slowly start weaning off of my medications (or at least some) & to start enforcing the same rules upon myself that Tim & I lived with so its back to local, non-processed, no additives I go. I'm really going to miss the low grocery bills of 2015.

So essentially 2016 is about slowly starting to fix myself through being a better employee, a better friend, a better person and actually taking care of myself again. I'm hoping by doing those things that maybe someday I can truly feel happy again.

In other news my debit card was stolen a few weeks ago and apparently they also decided to better themself for the new year as they racked up purchases from McDonalds, Walmart, Cicis pizza, a shoe store and clothing store to the tune of over $1,500. My bank was great about it and caught it early enough that the money wasn't sent to the stores and there is a detective pulling various surveillance tapes and believes there is actually a possibility of catching this guy so that's good news.

There was a man named Chandler Beacham that has a few years on Tim in the chemo department and helped us as we began that world. He and his wife Becky became great friends but unfortunately he passed away just a few short months before Tim. A girl named Lindsey Motley and her husband Jay came after Tim was an old regular, she was diagnosed with colon cancer while pregnant and I remember the fear they both wore on their faces as they sat across from Tim & I their first time in infusions as she was still pregnant. Before they had come back Lynn had mentioned there was a new couple and asked Tim to give Lindsey some hints and insight in a similar manner to which Chan did for him. Who knows what that crazy guy said as I don't remember but I hope it helped calm them a little as Chan did for us Tim's first day. Regardless she's recently received news of additional mets and they are hoping to find a trial for her to enter, it's unsaid by them but I'm sure they are not only hopeful for a qualifying trial but for THE trial. The one that is the key to whatever her cancer needs to be defeated. 

I've been asked multiple times as to what to say in bad or tough situations as though somehow I may know after living through it. I know now more of what not to say then what actually to say. I know what little terms or phrases used defeated me but I also know that each person's journey is different and what they need to hear/can't stand to hear varies. In that I just ask that you pray for Lindsey & Jay's friends & family to be able to know what it is they need to hear even if they can't necessarily pinpoint what it is themselves. Pray for Lindsey & Jay as they face the scary decisions as they look for where to go next. Sometimes you can use all the logic in the world to look at treatment options and each still feels like you're choosing blindly. Pray for them to get a strong gut feeling about what direction to take and confidence in their decisions. Pray for strength for both of them that the energy of so many others can help buoy them during this process. Lindsey (& ergo Jay) haven't had a moment of stability recently to give them time to regain strength so most of all pray for them to regain that strength and have that stability bc in the world of cancer stability is such a precious commodity.

Hanging onto Hope

I'm finally on a regular (& normal) sleep schedule. It's taken over a year but has finally happened. I'm also finally dreaming again, they've ranged from weird crazy dreams reflecting current and past events in my life to reliving that final day with Tim. Over and over and over again. Most nights I've woken myself up with a loud scream and shooting up in bed drenched in sweat. The strange thing is typically after that happens I fall right back asleep and am peacefully out for the remainder of the night. It's a little creepy but at the same time I'm just so relieved to be able to see Tim's face and hear his voice again that I don't mind it as much as much as I should.

I took time away from going to my therapist for awhile just because I didn't feel like facing the enormity of how much this all still effects me day after day. That was not the smartest move I've made. I've struggled a lot recently and its come as a shock as I guess I thought the year anniversary of Tims death would be some sort of switch indicating that the worst was over and I had crossed the finish line of grief. It's actually been worse since then. It seems the only switch that flipped was the one in which the fantasy world in my head where Tim was surely going to come walking through the door sometime and I could just save up all of the things I've noted and been wanting to tell him for that moment ended. Reality has finally hit me that he truly is never coming back. It's something that you rationally know but can't seem to wrap your head around so you just stay in a constant state of denial that he's just on a trip or just out of touch. Reality really sucks when it hits.

I finally did head back to see my therapist last Friday and she helped me to kind of understand that I've finally gotten through the denial stage and am now "at the bottom of the pendulum". At least when you finally hit bottom there is nowhere to go but up right? She also told me that apparently I'm one of the more severe cases of grief she's seen. I'm torn between that being a badge of honor for how much Tim and I loved each other or adding it to the list of the curve balls life seems to keep tossing my way when I could really use a nice easy pitch. 

I struggle with having to frequently remind myself that Tim didn't choose to abandon me but it's hard to keep that perspective. I keep feeling like he's out there living his life with someone else and have to remind myself that he didn't leave me. It's so strange but I guess I just want to have a reason to be mad at him for not being here anymore instead of being mad at him for not being here and immediately feeling guilty because I know he would be if he could.

I'm torn over my house, it's started to feel like home (except for the mice that moved into the attic above my bed) but is also a solid constant reminder of everything that the last year has been. Right now that's a bad thing, I'm hoping that as I work my way through all of this that it becomes more of a symbol of how these events have molded me into a different person. I replaced all of Tim and My bedding a month or so ago and now my bed finally feels like it's mine versus being a constant reminder of us. I'm working on that balance now, figuring out what to replace to start a new life with fewer constant reminders that just reopen all of the wounds and what to keep as sweet memories of what once was. I guess it's representative of me trying to figure out who I am now. Considering how hard both of us are on things I've been having to replace a lot of items as they break. A set of sheets we got for our wedding ripped into shreds as I leaned up to watch TV one night leading to the idea of just replacing everything.

Over the past year I've lost interest in things I once loved, I've gained respect for things I once despised (I.e. Tims music and fantasy football) & I don't recognize the girl I see in photos from "before". My memories no longer feel as though they were my own experiences but more of a movie I watched, just surreal. I don't know what I want out of life any longer and I don't have a clue as to who I am but I've finally started to get a little clarity. Where I once thought I was done with supporting cancer fundraising, it's becoming more of a passion but in a different manner than before, one in which I'm more actively involved. I'm reaching out slowly to find out where else I want to volunteer and what matters to me. I've found that giving pieces of myself helps to make me feel whole again.

Mostly these days I'm in a constant state of exhaustion no matter how much sleep I get. Tired of fighting for every step I take forward, tired of being ok, tired of feeling lost and alone, of no longer having the connection with anyone that I did with Tim and tired of figuring it all out alone. Irregardless I have a support system that most could only dream of and through them I find the strength to drag myself out of bed every morning, to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how much I don't want to and to keep trying to get back to the person that Tim fell in love with, a little more hardened and banged up but also with greater understanding of just how precious each day is.

Post Anniversary

Go figure that the one year anniversary of Losing Tim was the same weekend as Joaquin. I will say it was a good distraction as I watched all the news reports rolling in about what was going on. My company headquarters is in Cokumbia (& was luckily spared) but it also gave me a sense of purpose on Monday to try to see how I could help alleviate some of the responsibility from my coworkers and help. 

It's been hard, I try to keep myself distracted and not to think about what I've lost but it haunts me. I didn't just lose my husband/soulmate/best friend/etc... But I missed almost 5 years of being somewhat carefree, the potential of having a family and being a mom, having some to do life with. I'm grieving a lot of those losses as much as I'm grieving Tim at times. Not long after losing Tim I received something called a mantra bracelet that stated "be still and know." It's become my life mantra and a phras I repeat over and over to myself when I am falling apart or having a hard day.

That being said, sometimes it's hard for me now to use some of the best overdramatic expressions I used to (I.e. I'm dying, this is the worst day of my life, etc.) I start to but catch myself as they just sound so trivial and callous now that I have seen someone die and I have lived through the worst day of my life. I don't get phased by the rough stuff as much as I used to and I still get annoyed by trivial things but now I truly understand what is worthwhile and really important in life. I was thinking of what I would save if I had to leave my house in a hurry (it's an exercise I've done before at night to distract my anxiety at night). Before my concern would always be that Tim & I wouldn't have enough room in our cars for all of the things we'd "have" to save. Now I think I'd have extra room as so long as I had Maddy, important paperwork and my pillow (you'd understand if you slept in my bed) I'd be just fine.

Some portion of my life feels surreal and like a dream. I can't decide if it's the part I'm living now or the part from before. I see pictures of myself from "before" and then don't know who that girl is. I can't imagine living without the understanding of how bad life can be like I know now. It makes me feel as though I'm al let two completely separate people.

My body is still struggling, I've finally mostly gotten my sleeping under control but Friday was put on a regime of antibiotics for a minor infection I had. I started feeling worse Saturday evening and my mom took me to existent care. I was sure I had gotten a full blown case of the flu on top of this other infection. Apparently I was allergic to the antibiotics I was getting so today I've been loading up on fluids trying to flush that one out of my system and let the other kick in. I also screwed up a tooth and had to go to the dentist this morning to get that fixed up. Some of my pain has finally subsided as of this evening and I'm finally starting to feel a little better. I'm hopeful that the high dosage of antibiotics should keep me somewhat healthy at least for a few weeks.

My girlfriends have been absolutely incredible through the past few weeks, they have buoyed me through this and kept me busy and distracted. I hope there is never a reason that I can do enough to thank them for everything they've done for me. 

I'm slowly but surely making progress. I got it in me to go through Tim's clothes the other day and pull out his lesser used items. I'm still not really ready to part with them so they are hanging out in a spare bedroom but I took a step. My house is almost done with projects I can do but now I'm bored and ready for a new one. Keeping my hands busy during the evenings and weekends is much better for me than lying around watching TV.

Maddy is doing great other than being a lazy bum. This morning after letting her out to go to the bathroom she sprinted back in, climbed up in my bed and fell back asleep. She's figured out that if she bangs her bowls around enough I'll come fill up whatever is missing so she essentially lives the life of a pampered princess. I still blame Tim for ruining my dog as she had much better manners before he entered our lives. She's also figured out how to move the kitchen chairs around and will let herself up onto kitchen counters or the table and help herself to whatever she desires when I'm out of the house. I've been catching her via the nanny cam, she's sneaky in that she hops right down when she knows I'm coming in and approaches the door as though she was sleeping on the couch. 

That's been the extent of my exciting life these days. I don't do much other than work, work on the house or watch TV so I'm pretty boring at this point. I've written somewhere around 500-600 thank you notes but I'm still behind by about 150 so I know there are many overdue and I apologize but they are coming. The same goes for the Favebook messages, I will respond to each one but I'm super slow so you have my most sincere apologies and know it will arrive someday...

Thank you all for all of your love, support and kindness. Even when I don't respond know that I do see it, appreciate it and am so grateful for it.

Today was bad, tomorrow will be worse

Today has been hard, it officially marks a full year since I lost Tim. Everything I've done over this past year has been in the perspective of what were we doing at this time last year. Right now I was signing off on not having an autopsy on Tim, they were asking me what funeral home to use, I was starting to go through my and Tim's phones for our families to call and inform friends of the news, I missed a lot of people in the chaos. Someone posted something about it on Facebook which forced our hand into making a post about what had happened versus being able to let the shock sink in and get through the night. I had to get on the elevator and walk away from Tim for the last time. I passed out from exhaustion and it's one of the last times I really slept through the night without medication, even to this day.

Today has been hard, full of clear and difficult memories of what Tim went through in his last day. Tomorrow will be nearly impossible. Tomorrow will be the first time in my adult like that I look back to what happened last year and don't have memories of Tim included. I have had such a tremendous support system and incredibly patient, kind and thoughtful friends but it doesn't make the process any easier. Thank you all for supporting me, our siblings, parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends over the past year. There are many more hard days ahead for all of us but the kindness and patience means a lot.

51 weeks

At this time a week from now I have no idea what I'll be feeling or how I'll handle it being a year down to the date and time we of lost Tim. It's going to be extremely hard but the biggest difference between the anniversary next week and that time last year is that now I have hope. A few weeks ago I hit a turning point and have been anxious about it not lasting or getting as down as I was previously but somehow my feeling of hope has persevered. I feel guilty about it a lot regardless of what my therapist says but I've also come to the conclusion that even if Tim had a miraculous turnaround and was cured of the cancer, he would be miserable right now. Completely dependent upon oxygen and a wheelchair, not able to participate in life as he would want to do and I think that has given me some form of peace in a twisted way. I still fantasize every day about what life could've been had he never gotten sick or had he never taken that turn for the worse last year. I still imagine what we'd be doing at this moment had those things never happened and would love to have that life, whatever shape it may take but at the same time I know the reality of the situation would've had us trapped inside and without visitors last winter due to how severe the flu season was. It wouldn't have had Tim disappearing every weekend to a football game with me harping on him about taking time to help me around the house this fall, it would be filled with prepping for another flu season and the constant fear of Tim catching some kind of respiratory illness and ultimately he would've been absolutely miserable.

This past week we dedicated the I TOR conference room in Tim's memory and I know he'd be so honored. I've had friends offering dinners, stopping by to say hi, hanging out, sending cards, etc. and through the time I spend with them be it on the phone, on FaceTime or in person, I feel his love. Today was my youngest nieces dedication at church with a reception here after. At one point her older sister was running around interacting and playing with everyone as I cleaned up inside (likely due to the cake and ice cream and candy corn I kept offering up). In that moment I could almost visualize she & Tim playing as he once did with Steven's oldest two. I can't begin to express how much I wish that was reality.

For now I'm doing ok, my meds are finally regulated, I have the best support system I could ever dream of between family, friends, doctors, etc. and I'm truly living in each moment and facing each day as it comes instead of worrying of what will come after. I'm scared of next Sunday and the feelings and memories that will come from that day but honestly it's the day after that scares me more as I have approached each day with the comfort of seeing what Tim and I were doing a year ago on that date which gives me a sense of comfort. Oct 5 will be the first time I can't do that. I have no doubt that I will make it though but these days really knock the wind out of me and it feels like it's hard to recover from the blows. Regardless I haven't stopped trying. It's a fight every single day to get up out of bed and I count the hours until I can climb back in. But I am fighting and fighting hard to be ok, to reclaim my life and slowly but surely to move forward, always carrying Tim right with me.

My body knows even when I dont...

It's really strange how my body has taken over my emotions the last few weeks. Somehow I intuitively know the days that were bad ones with Tim's health and wake up feeling "off". Today was the first "good" day I've had in weeks now. My sleeping pill is no longer working so I'm back to hanging out wide awake until 3AM again no matter how much melatonin, warm milk, hot relaxing baths, etc. I supplement with. Luckily I have an appointment with my doctor again this week and can hopefully get everything adjusted quickly this time and get back to sleeping again. Tonight I supplemented with Benedryl, fingers crossed that it works and that I don't oversleep tomorrow morning. 

In the spirit of being as candid as I've always been: I keep meaning to come back here but in a way I'm also trying to reclaim my life and my anonymity, as happy as I am to hear that these posts have helped others and I'll leave them up as long as blogger lets me so hopefully they may continue to do so as well as to spread Tim's voice and story and as much as they help me to express and vent I'm the person who hates crying in front of other people as its so awkward (had lots of those awkward moments in the past few years). I also miss the days of kind strangers not knowing my life story and personal thoughts, so as with everything else in my life these days I'm trying to find a balance. We started this as a way to make life easier and keep everyone updated on Tim's status without having to rehash the whole story over and over again and I've kept it up for the same reason, except now to share what is going on with my life now.

Its a little over 3 weeks until the year anniversary of losing Tim, its a hard pill to swallow. In some ways I can't believe its only been a year, in others I can't believe its already been a year. It feels like yesterday that we were hanging out and talking. I can still hear his voice and laughter when I think about him. Slowly but surely the horrendous images of him on that last day are not the first that pop into my head when I think of him, but they are of happier times, of him and Maddy giving me the stink eye when I would try to get into our bed (God forbid I disturb their cuddle sessions :) ), the way when he really laughed hard he would sound just like the count from Sesame Street but when he was "giggling" he'd chuckle and as he teased me he always would make this high pitch heeehh heh hehe, just how proud and in awe he was of all of his achievements with promoting iTOR. I mentioned to some friends tonight as how I get recognized when I say my name sometimes, not because of anything I've done but always as "Tim Bright's wife" That is a honor I'm so happy to have as my own, it sounds so crazy and possessive to say but Tim shared so much of himself with others but that title is one of the things no one else besides me can ever claim and I truly love being able to do so. 

My job is going well, I think, most days I feel completely lost and unqualified but I try to remind myself that this is how I've been at the beginning of every job and it will get better (at least we all can hope ;)). My house is finally almost at the point I feel I can call it done, as most know Tim & I closed on this house last July and started renovations right after so the majority of those were being done while he was in the hospital (it was as horrible as it sounds). This is why we lived with his parents for the short stints he was out of the hospital which I'm glad worked out that way as it made me feel so much safer to nap, go check on the renovations or just simply take a little break. My girlfriends moved me and Maddy in last November (p.s. its not a large house but I'm still figuring out where they stashed things for me) and renovations continued until the early part of the summer. I'm finally starting to grow grass in most places of my yard (thank God for no more red clay everywhere) and I am finally starting to feel safe and almost like this is home for me. My bedroom is sparse and at some point I'd like to start fresh with new linens but as with most things associated to my time with Tim I'm not quite ready to make that leap just yet. 

Maddy has made me take that leap with a few things as she recently decided that me not being home during the day was completely unacceptable and crushed a nice vase and picture frame (keep in mind that this destructor also ate through my blinds about a month after me getting them and went through a phase in which she peed her way through my house. Other than that we've become pretty close again. When I'm home she refuses to be in a different room than me and follows me around. Not an issue most times but it becomes pretty comical as I'm cleaning or doing something causing me to walk back and forth and my little shadow becomes very frustrated that she can't just settle in anywhere. She's also decided that her bed (which is a double layered memory foam mattress - Tim's idea not mine) is unacceptable most days and likes to sleep on mine now...right where my feet should go.

I saw one of Tim's former co-workers the other day and he kept remarking how much better I look now than the last time he saw me sometime right after the funeral. Looking back I can see what's different. I still have many very bad, very dark, very sad days but the difference is now I can see a light again and know that this is just a blip on the radar. I don't think I will ever be the person I was before and I mourn for her. I strongly doubt I can ever approach life again with that much positivism and exuberance because I've lived through the worst that can happen. I'm a lot more free than I ever was before though, the only "things" I truly care about are the ones that are attached to memories of Tim. I like others and would like to protect my investments (specifically my new couch that Maddy treats as her own personal jungle gym) but I no longer would be devastated to lose things. My relationships with family members and friends are better than they ever have been before and I'm finally (slowly and kind of) learning to ask for help when I need it. Speaking of, if anyone is mad at their spouse please feel free to volunteer them over here, I'm always needing trash to be taken out, dishes to be unloaded, laundry to be done or a lawnmower to be tamed (it hates me as much as I despise it) as those were chores Tim took care of and apparently some part of my brain seems to think he'll still be managing them so I ignore them for awhile.

I'm slowly but surely starting to find a sense of peace within myself and am finding that maybe I do want to step into Tim's shoes to speak to others about iTOR and what they do and how they are helping our community. I hate publicly speaking almost more than unloading a dishwasher but I'm beginning to feel drawn in. I'll give it my first shot next Tuesday at an event in Tim's memory.

Tuesday is the day that iTOR will be dedicating their conference room (where Tim sat in countless Cancer Center Advancement Council meetings) as the Tim Bright Conference Room thanks to the incredibly generous donations by so many of you after his passing. I've been told that (if I understand correctly) those exceeded $100,000 and still trickle in from time to time. That's an amazing legacy to be left by Tim and I hope he would be so proud that his legacy continues. I know I am. I've heard the phrase "gifting begets gifting" and I can only hope that those reading the plaque about Tim's legacy as they walk down the hall will be inspired in some way by his story. I'll try to post a picture of it up here soon. 

Grief seems to be a very selfish and desolate emotion. I often forget that others miss Tim as much as I do and how much he made a difference in someone else's life. I just see life moving on without him here to enjoy it. I've had a few little reminders today that he's still affecting so many people and you've no idea how happy that makes me as well as how it pulls me out of my lonely little bubble to help understand that I'm not the only one wishing he was still here. Some days some stupid little stunt, i.e. me being asked to be in my new office's Fantasy Football Team when anyone who knows me knows just how much of a joke that is, reminds me that he's still getting the last laugh. I'm sure he's up there somewhere causing as much havoc as he possibly can.